Have you ever forgotten the Lord?
Like seriously felt completely absent from Him?
Have you ever pretended you knew Him but forgot what He was like?
Have you ever been so wrapped up in spending time with the lover in front of your face..
you forgot to spend time the unconditional lover who you will spend Eternity worshiping?
Have you ever just forgot what it was like to feel the peace of God?
Have you ever forgot what it was like to believe God had a plan for you?
Have you ever forgotten what it was like to actually believe God had a plan for your life?
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by your burden of sin and idolatry you never thought it would be lifted?
It is interesting how all of these things, I have recently experienced.
And with one night of solitude; one night of listening to nothing but drop dead sickly gorgeous hymns; one night of reading through Paul's letters, i feel at peace again.
I hate that.
I hate that I go from one state spiritually to another.
I hate that I can't be consistent.
I hate that I still can't get over the question that haunts my mind
due to crazy family trials..
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I hate that I just cant be one way and not feel the burden of not being in control
I hate that I cant just give it up.
I guess its just because i am so passionate.
I am an extremely passionate person.
I give my all, or nothing.
My singing voice is either really great, or really sucks.
My love is either all there, or all gone.
When I believe in something, i believe it whole heartedly.
When i complement you, I mean it.
When i give advise, i give it with my whole heart.
When i curse, I speak it with vigor.
When i share an opinion, it will be abrasive.
When i choose to hold onto a thought or plan, i cling to it with my life.
THUS:
When I sin, I sin BIG.
When I hear Satan's lies, I tend to believe them.
When I worship, the Holy Spirit consumes me and sometimes I forget where I am, or enter a completely different place.If you are there, I will take you with me. Im dead serious. Ask any of my friends.
When I decide to not follow the Lord, or ignore Him, my heart hardens in about 30 seconds of doing so.
When my mind enters places it shouldn't it goes nuts.
I wish my heart was not so passionate. I wish I could be more calm, more put together. But I am scattered in an oddly organized purposed way. One of the main reasons I love my boyfriend is because he is so put together and calm and at peace. He is the most responsible, smart, hard working person I know. He is passionate like myself, but puts that passion into constructive activity that glorifies the Lord and benefits everyone. Unlike Myself.
I was talking to my friend Doug today, We are at similar places in our lives spiritually. We both shared about how we feel like we have kinda lost our place, forgotten what the peace of God felt like, gotten lazy spiritually. I believe that spiritual laziness and a lack of peace is the result of believing the lies of Satan.
I constantly forget that I have been saved from every sin, and that laziness is a waste of time. Stress is a waste of the time God has given us. It is pointless and is a lie from Satan. Sadly, I am struggling daily to conquer him, and lately i have been failing. I am such a selfish being, prone to a sinful life filled with consequences.
"Nothing in thy hand I bring, simply to the cross i cling. Naked come to the for dress, helpless look to the for Grace. Frail I to the fountain fly; wash me savior, or i die. " ~ Rock of Ages
2 Corinthians 11:3
"I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpents cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ."
2 Corinthians 2:10-11
"I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.
Romans 6
Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ
1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.
Slaves to Righteousness
15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
How Fickle My heart and How Woozy My Eyes
I don't have much battery life left on my computer and my charger is not on me, but i wanted to update you on my reading. I have been very busy, as result of being blessed with Jobs. However, I have kept up on my reading. And thus, plan on updating you a little bit on things.
The more I read this book, the more I realize how much I need Jesus EVERY day. It's so easy to ignore him, esp. because I have a rather active thought life that seems to think about everything BUT things of Jesus Christ. However, this book has been showing me the power of the word of the Lord. In the beginning of the book, Beth Moore lists 5 Benefits to Total Surrender.
1) Knowing God and Believing in Him
2) Glorifying God
3) To Find Satisfaction in God
4) To Experience God's Peace
5) TO Enjoy God's Presence.
The 5 Obstacles that keep us from experiencing the benefits of total surrender are
1) Unbelief
2) Pride
3) Idolatry
4) Prayerlessness
5) Legalism
Each Chapter I have been reading tackles the 5 benefits and the 5 obstacles. I have read up to Prayerlessness. Idolatry has most definitely been the hardest chapter to read. I have so much of it in my life. I feel like every relationship and every blessing or possible great plan for my life or any form of possible security becomes an Idol.
Beth Moore poses this question in the beginning of the chapter - "Have you ever noticed that one of the most common human experiences is the inability to be completely satisfied? Unfortunately salvation alone does not completely fill the need. Many come to Christ out of their search for something missing; yet after receiving His salvation, they go elsewhere for further satisfaction. Dissatisfaction is not a terrible thing. It's a God thing. Its' only a terrible thing when we don't let it lead us to Christ."
How true is that? What I have noticed through reading this book the most is that every single obstacle I struggle with ties together. I don't believe God is always there for me and really has a plan for my life, thus I turn to Pride and believe that I am able to have control and let satan lie to me by telling me I am strong enough to handle it on my own, then make everything in my life an Idol by turning to them instead of the Lord or by not giving them up to God.
I also have been noticing I put too much of my time into a certain person into my life. I tend to poor out too much of my life onto people, and on this particular person I have put a great amount of expectation that completely inhibits me from unconditionally loving them. They will NEVER meet my needs like Jesus Christ can. Believing somehow their words or their actions or romance will somehow make me feel the way only Christ can, is a lie. This realization is only recent, due to my relationship being a long distant one. I never have realized how selfish and prideful I am, until I entered into a relationship. I never really felt that I had sin I needed to be stripped of, but I have never been in love and thus never wanted to be rid of it more in my life. Seeing it affect someone and something I love more than anything in my life is a huge burden I want nothing to do with anymore. How I hope salvation can soon be the satisfaction in my life again and take over and cleanse me.
Surrender is such a difficult thing. Oh how I can't wait to be away from all this sin in my life. I feel so filthy so much of the time. Giving into the flesh is such a terrible waste of time.
"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself or say, "is not this thing in my right hand a lie?" - Isaiah 44:20
The more I read this book, the more I realize how much I need Jesus EVERY day. It's so easy to ignore him, esp. because I have a rather active thought life that seems to think about everything BUT things of Jesus Christ. However, this book has been showing me the power of the word of the Lord. In the beginning of the book, Beth Moore lists 5 Benefits to Total Surrender.
1) Knowing God and Believing in Him
2) Glorifying God
3) To Find Satisfaction in God
4) To Experience God's Peace
5) TO Enjoy God's Presence.
The 5 Obstacles that keep us from experiencing the benefits of total surrender are
1) Unbelief
2) Pride
3) Idolatry
4) Prayerlessness
5) Legalism
Each Chapter I have been reading tackles the 5 benefits and the 5 obstacles. I have read up to Prayerlessness. Idolatry has most definitely been the hardest chapter to read. I have so much of it in my life. I feel like every relationship and every blessing or possible great plan for my life or any form of possible security becomes an Idol.
Beth Moore poses this question in the beginning of the chapter - "Have you ever noticed that one of the most common human experiences is the inability to be completely satisfied? Unfortunately salvation alone does not completely fill the need. Many come to Christ out of their search for something missing; yet after receiving His salvation, they go elsewhere for further satisfaction. Dissatisfaction is not a terrible thing. It's a God thing. Its' only a terrible thing when we don't let it lead us to Christ."
How true is that? What I have noticed through reading this book the most is that every single obstacle I struggle with ties together. I don't believe God is always there for me and really has a plan for my life, thus I turn to Pride and believe that I am able to have control and let satan lie to me by telling me I am strong enough to handle it on my own, then make everything in my life an Idol by turning to them instead of the Lord or by not giving them up to God.
I also have been noticing I put too much of my time into a certain person into my life. I tend to poor out too much of my life onto people, and on this particular person I have put a great amount of expectation that completely inhibits me from unconditionally loving them. They will NEVER meet my needs like Jesus Christ can. Believing somehow their words or their actions or romance will somehow make me feel the way only Christ can, is a lie. This realization is only recent, due to my relationship being a long distant one. I never have realized how selfish and prideful I am, until I entered into a relationship. I never really felt that I had sin I needed to be stripped of, but I have never been in love and thus never wanted to be rid of it more in my life. Seeing it affect someone and something I love more than anything in my life is a huge burden I want nothing to do with anymore. How I hope salvation can soon be the satisfaction in my life again and take over and cleanse me.
Surrender is such a difficult thing. Oh how I can't wait to be away from all this sin in my life. I feel so filthy so much of the time. Giving into the flesh is such a terrible waste of time.
"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself or say, "is not this thing in my right hand a lie?" - Isaiah 44:20
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Awake My Soul.
So this past spring semester, I went through a fabulous workbook by an amazing woman named Beth Moore called Breaking Free. It changed a lot about how i view my walk with God.
I am now reading the book that goes with that workbook. A bit out of order, I admit, but the workbook was so heavy i had to do one at a time. I have been learning so much about the Lord and myself that I am going to start specifically blogging about how that book is changing my life and my relationships with God and other people. The Lord is going to do some mighty things. I only expect it to happen both the most difficult and best way possible.
Part 1 and the beginning of Part 2. Chapters 1-4.
Key Verse: Isaiah 61:1-4.
Do I REALLY believe God?
I mean, if it came to a life and death situation, or the choice between being "alone" and being with someone for the rest of my life, would I REALLY choose the Lord? I can say I would all I want, but my recent thought processes would say other wise.
Honestly, I don't believe God is going to give me the best. It is a daily struggle for me to give up myself and my life to someone I won't physically see till my life is over. I believe He sent His son to die on the cross for me and that He loves me and all that. But lately I have been struggling with believing He will follow through. I have made myself an idol. I mean literally, myself, an idol. Beth Moore is using Isaiah and the first 33 chapters(i think that's what it was), to show that when God told the Israelites to only believe in Him, they didn't and thus made themselves and their sinful desires an idol. This means the desire to control my life is an idol. I believe God has good plans for me...in some aspects. I mean, going on an amazing Summer Project was His plan, and meeting my boyfriend at Winter Conference was in His plan, Resonate was in His plan, but sucking at school is really dragging me down. Not being able to use the talents I have to serve the Lord is hurting . I don't really see any sort of direction in my life at the moment. I don't see where i am going or what I am doing. All i see is that I will be doing ministry and that is awesome, but part of me wants a "real" job. Whatever that means. I am rambling. What I am trying to say is that the first thing i have learned from this book is that we never believe God as much as we think we do. There is ALWAYS something in the way of FULLY believing He is our God and nothing else is. There is always something distracting us from Him. Whether it's pride or fear, it is there. I wish this were not so.
I am now reading the book that goes with that workbook. A bit out of order, I admit, but the workbook was so heavy i had to do one at a time. I have been learning so much about the Lord and myself that I am going to start specifically blogging about how that book is changing my life and my relationships with God and other people. The Lord is going to do some mighty things. I only expect it to happen both the most difficult and best way possible.
Part 1 and the beginning of Part 2. Chapters 1-4.
Key Verse: Isaiah 61:1-4.
Do I REALLY believe God?
I mean, if it came to a life and death situation, or the choice between being "alone" and being with someone for the rest of my life, would I REALLY choose the Lord? I can say I would all I want, but my recent thought processes would say other wise.
Honestly, I don't believe God is going to give me the best. It is a daily struggle for me to give up myself and my life to someone I won't physically see till my life is over. I believe He sent His son to die on the cross for me and that He loves me and all that. But lately I have been struggling with believing He will follow through. I have made myself an idol. I mean literally, myself, an idol. Beth Moore is using Isaiah and the first 33 chapters(i think that's what it was), to show that when God told the Israelites to only believe in Him, they didn't and thus made themselves and their sinful desires an idol. This means the desire to control my life is an idol. I believe God has good plans for me...in some aspects. I mean, going on an amazing Summer Project was His plan, and meeting my boyfriend at Winter Conference was in His plan, Resonate was in His plan, but sucking at school is really dragging me down. Not being able to use the talents I have to serve the Lord is hurting . I don't really see any sort of direction in my life at the moment. I don't see where i am going or what I am doing. All i see is that I will be doing ministry and that is awesome, but part of me wants a "real" job. Whatever that means. I am rambling. What I am trying to say is that the first thing i have learned from this book is that we never believe God as much as we think we do. There is ALWAYS something in the way of FULLY believing He is our God and nothing else is. There is always something distracting us from Him. Whether it's pride or fear, it is there. I wish this were not so.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
.
The following Chart was in a reading by Elmer Towns in my to read section of my Theology Class.
It's probably one of the most life changing articles I have ever read, and I suggest asking me to print you off a copy cause it's pretty amazing. It's all stuff we have all heard one way or another throughout life, but to have it all in one place written by a super wise man is pretty amazing. He also included this awesome C.S. Lewis quote, which I love.
Every time you make a choice, you are turning the control part of you into something a little different from what you were before. And taking your life as a whole, with all its innumerable choices, you are slowly turning the control thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish one.” – C. S. Lewis
Left side people Right side people
a. Emotion based a. Character based.
b. “What is easiest? b. “What is right?
c. “When I feel good, then I’ll do it. c. “When I do it, then I’ll feel good.
d. Controlled by moods d. Controlled by priorities
.
e. Selfish mindset e. Servanthood mindset
f. Life and lips disagree f. Life and lips agree
g. Looks for excuses g. Looks for solutions
h. Outward influenced h. Inward influenced
i. Quits during tough times i. Continues during tough times
j. This person whines j. This person wins
– by John Maxwell
In other awesome news, I started reading Isaiah, and then 2 weeks later started reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. Guess what the book is based around? Isaiah. Awesome right?
1 month till boyfriend comes home
3 days till Centrifuge Camp with Resonate
1 month till Worship Retreat and VStaff Retreat
1 month till my birthday :)
1 month and a week till i start to HOPEFULY work at Zoe underground :)
life is good.
The following Chart was in a reading by Elmer Towns in my to read section of my Theology Class.
It's probably one of the most life changing articles I have ever read, and I suggest asking me to print you off a copy cause it's pretty amazing. It's all stuff we have all heard one way or another throughout life, but to have it all in one place written by a super wise man is pretty amazing. He also included this awesome C.S. Lewis quote, which I love.
Every time you make a choice, you are turning the control part of you into something a little different from what you were before. And taking your life as a whole, with all its innumerable choices, you are slowly turning the control thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish one.” – C. S. Lewis
Left side people Right side people
a. Emotion based a. Character based.
b. “What is easiest? b. “What is right?
c. “When I feel good, then I’ll do it. c. “When I do it, then I’ll feel good.
d. Controlled by moods d. Controlled by priorities
.
e. Selfish mindset e. Servanthood mindset
f. Life and lips disagree f. Life and lips agree
g. Looks for excuses g. Looks for solutions
h. Outward influenced h. Inward influenced
i. Quits during tough times i. Continues during tough times
j. This person whines j. This person wins
– by John Maxwell
In other awesome news, I started reading Isaiah, and then 2 weeks later started reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. Guess what the book is based around? Isaiah. Awesome right?
1 month till boyfriend comes home
3 days till Centrifuge Camp with Resonate
1 month till Worship Retreat and VStaff Retreat
1 month till my birthday :)
1 month and a week till i start to HOPEFULY work at Zoe underground :)
life is good.
Friday, July 9, 2010
forever young
A little bit of my story:
I had a fabulous childhood. Probably one of the best a kid could ever ask for. My parents both did not have a great childhood, my mom especially. So when they got married and decided to have kids, they promised each other they would do nothing but pour out love on their children. My little brother and I were home-schooled till high school. We also went to the same church, Calvary Chapel of Olympia, till we graduated high school. I had every opportunity I could have ever dreamed of growing up. I did absolutely everything a little girl could want to do; from going to disneyland to horseback riding, to getting an American Girl Doll for Christmas and learning how to surf. I did everything...except get involved with Young Life. I guess it was because i went to a Christian high-school, or it might have been because my youth group was so amazing. I just never really got invovled..it was only at the public high-schools. My parents wouldn't let me go to young life camp because they said I didn't need to, so i never went.
Till this past week.
I'm not even in high-school, and I am pretty sure I love it just as much as all of them do.
I came to visit my boyfriend, he was generous enough to bring me. I have loved being here and being around him. We have been dating for 6 months now. Well, on Sunday we will have been. Seeing him use his talents to serve the Lord in a way that ministers to the hearts of the kids is so wonderful and I'm so blessed to have been here to encourage him. kind of crazy how God works. All of his co-workers have been asking me about our(Gus and I's) story, and every time I tell it, it amazes me where I was spiritually and emotionally, in December/January. I was ready to be a missionary, spend the rest of my life paying off school debt, while traveling the world playing music and hanging out with beautiful babies in different third world countries...maybe i would have dreads and maybe i would have been chillin' with my bestie Jessica Mcfaul on the beach in South America. Or maybe I would be in a band, like Hillsong. What never crossed my mind, however, was the thought of being in love. The idea of visiting my boyfriend whom i am in love with at Crooked Creek Ranch Young Life Camp, and hanging out with 400 high schoolers all week, would not have seemed appealing to me at the time. Now, however, I have officially feel in love with not only my boyfriend, but Young Life. I have met some amazing people, seen some amazing things, and experienced some awesome times with Gus.
The person that stood out to me the most I have met, is a guy named Zach. He has worked here a few times over the years, and everyone in the intern house and on staff loves the guy. He has a mental disability, but he does not let it affect the way he lives, or what he wants to do. While Gus was telling me a little bit about him, he told me Zach was writing a book. The next day I got the chance to ask Zach what his book was about. He told me a few summers ago he planned a 3 month, 18 state road trip to reunite with friends and family. The day before he left, he met a girl at a coffee shop, and 2 days later, they were talking about Jesus over breakfast. He said he then realized that if he was intentional with people and with being in relationships with people, a complete stranger would turn into a friend. I was amazed. Not only had this guy completely immersed his life in the healing power of Jesus Christ and conquered his disability, but also made an effort a lot of us don't make that God has called us to. As I sat in amazement listening to him, he told me his book is nothing but conversations with people he had on his road trip. I was pretty impressed, and told him I can't wait to read his book when it gets published.
Another group of people I got introduced to in a new way, were high-schoolers. I guess I built up a sort of resentment towards high schoolers, because my years of being in jr. high/high school were not always awesome..and i was FAR from being an awesome kid. I was mean to my friends and tried to immerse myself in youth group so I could mask my bad behavior. And this generation of high-schoolers don't have an awesome rep..similar to me ha. My heart softened though, as the week went on. Every activity these kids did was intentional to bring them and their group closer to their leaders and closer to the Lord. As the week went on, and the talks at Club got more and more intentional and intense, I started to realize that this is a lot like Campus Crusade for Christ, but for high schoolers. And these kids need Jesus just as much as I do. As much as the people at WSU need Him. For me to judge them or not be around them is ridiculous. Pretty soon they will end up like me and my friends, struggling to have a great community and walk with Christ out in this crazy world of ours...and Young LIfe introduces them to a walk with Christ and a better lifestyle. I loved everything about this camp and about this week. The thing that stood out to me the most was a time called real life, where a few of the leaders on Program, staff, and the worship leader of the week shared how they came to Christ through Young Life and how their lives have been touched by Jesus. THen after they finished (they split it up into 3 days), they brought out a lot of the leaders with cardboard signs, and one side had a sentence that described their life before jesus, then on the other side a sentence describing their current life. It was incredibly powerful. The one that stood out to me the most was:
"Religion left me feeling trapped"
"Relationship with Christ set me Free."
I know right? pretty amazing.
So over all...this week has been pretty amazing. Even though I had a rough day yesterday just because Gus and I were so tired, today is a new day and sadly it's my last. I hope to return ... maybe next summer...maybe work here? thinking that might be an amazing experience.
Anyways...long story short..young life is awesome. and i am sad i didn't fully get to embrace/understand/love it till now.
I had a fabulous childhood. Probably one of the best a kid could ever ask for. My parents both did not have a great childhood, my mom especially. So when they got married and decided to have kids, they promised each other they would do nothing but pour out love on their children. My little brother and I were home-schooled till high school. We also went to the same church, Calvary Chapel of Olympia, till we graduated high school. I had every opportunity I could have ever dreamed of growing up. I did absolutely everything a little girl could want to do; from going to disneyland to horseback riding, to getting an American Girl Doll for Christmas and learning how to surf. I did everything...except get involved with Young Life. I guess it was because i went to a Christian high-school, or it might have been because my youth group was so amazing. I just never really got invovled..it was only at the public high-schools. My parents wouldn't let me go to young life camp because they said I didn't need to, so i never went.
Till this past week.
I'm not even in high-school, and I am pretty sure I love it just as much as all of them do.
I came to visit my boyfriend, he was generous enough to bring me. I have loved being here and being around him. We have been dating for 6 months now. Well, on Sunday we will have been. Seeing him use his talents to serve the Lord in a way that ministers to the hearts of the kids is so wonderful and I'm so blessed to have been here to encourage him. kind of crazy how God works. All of his co-workers have been asking me about our(Gus and I's) story, and every time I tell it, it amazes me where I was spiritually and emotionally, in December/January. I was ready to be a missionary, spend the rest of my life paying off school debt, while traveling the world playing music and hanging out with beautiful babies in different third world countries...maybe i would have dreads and maybe i would have been chillin' with my bestie Jessica Mcfaul on the beach in South America. Or maybe I would be in a band, like Hillsong. What never crossed my mind, however, was the thought of being in love. The idea of visiting my boyfriend whom i am in love with at Crooked Creek Ranch Young Life Camp, and hanging out with 400 high schoolers all week, would not have seemed appealing to me at the time. Now, however, I have officially feel in love with not only my boyfriend, but Young Life. I have met some amazing people, seen some amazing things, and experienced some awesome times with Gus.
The person that stood out to me the most I have met, is a guy named Zach. He has worked here a few times over the years, and everyone in the intern house and on staff loves the guy. He has a mental disability, but he does not let it affect the way he lives, or what he wants to do. While Gus was telling me a little bit about him, he told me Zach was writing a book. The next day I got the chance to ask Zach what his book was about. He told me a few summers ago he planned a 3 month, 18 state road trip to reunite with friends and family. The day before he left, he met a girl at a coffee shop, and 2 days later, they were talking about Jesus over breakfast. He said he then realized that if he was intentional with people and with being in relationships with people, a complete stranger would turn into a friend. I was amazed. Not only had this guy completely immersed his life in the healing power of Jesus Christ and conquered his disability, but also made an effort a lot of us don't make that God has called us to. As I sat in amazement listening to him, he told me his book is nothing but conversations with people he had on his road trip. I was pretty impressed, and told him I can't wait to read his book when it gets published.
Another group of people I got introduced to in a new way, were high-schoolers. I guess I built up a sort of resentment towards high schoolers, because my years of being in jr. high/high school were not always awesome..and i was FAR from being an awesome kid. I was mean to my friends and tried to immerse myself in youth group so I could mask my bad behavior. And this generation of high-schoolers don't have an awesome rep..similar to me ha. My heart softened though, as the week went on. Every activity these kids did was intentional to bring them and their group closer to their leaders and closer to the Lord. As the week went on, and the talks at Club got more and more intentional and intense, I started to realize that this is a lot like Campus Crusade for Christ, but for high schoolers. And these kids need Jesus just as much as I do. As much as the people at WSU need Him. For me to judge them or not be around them is ridiculous. Pretty soon they will end up like me and my friends, struggling to have a great community and walk with Christ out in this crazy world of ours...and Young LIfe introduces them to a walk with Christ and a better lifestyle. I loved everything about this camp and about this week. The thing that stood out to me the most was a time called real life, where a few of the leaders on Program, staff, and the worship leader of the week shared how they came to Christ through Young Life and how their lives have been touched by Jesus. THen after they finished (they split it up into 3 days), they brought out a lot of the leaders with cardboard signs, and one side had a sentence that described their life before jesus, then on the other side a sentence describing their current life. It was incredibly powerful. The one that stood out to me the most was:
"Religion left me feeling trapped"
"Relationship with Christ set me Free."
I know right? pretty amazing.
So over all...this week has been pretty amazing. Even though I had a rough day yesterday just because Gus and I were so tired, today is a new day and sadly it's my last. I hope to return ... maybe next summer...maybe work here? thinking that might be an amazing experience.
Anyways...long story short..young life is awesome. and i am sad i didn't fully get to embrace/understand/love it till now.
Monday, June 7, 2010
pivot chords
A lot of things have been flowing my way at one time recently.
All of them because I chose to live a lifestyle where God is the one who directs my path. Lately, I have developed an idol called Security. This idol is a bitch. If i don't have some sort of security..whether it be financial, educational, or investment in my future, I flip. And it all came from the great habit of making future plans. Future Plans I decided that I wanted to happen, without really praying about it..just deciding that's the way it's going to be. Luckly I have an amazing mentor, who gives me amazing workbooks, that somehow are alive. I swear, this beth moore workbook i am going through, has been unfolding questions and topics that have to do exactly with what I am going through. Whether it be doubt, uncertainty, fear, pride, selfishness, etc. I have learned SO much in SO little time I just can't blog about it as much as I would like to. So this is a collaboration of the thoughts, quotes, and scriptures that are/ have been helping me get rid of the idol of security, the fear of uncertainty in my own life on earth, and the box i put God in.
" No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God First."~ Oswald Chambers
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." ~ Psalm 143:8
"The Key to Peace is authority. Peace is the fruit of an obedient, righteous life." ~ Beth Moore.
"You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on yoru pleasures." ~ James 4:2-3
"Discipline - somehow at times of great temptation and weakness,discipline flies like a bird out the window.
Lessons from The Past - We don't think straight when we get a surprise hard core attack.
What is Best For Us- our humannature is much too slef-destructive to automatically choose what is best in our weakest moments."
~ Beth Moore.
"It is God's will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid secual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionat lust like the heathen who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or should take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit."
~ 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
"If Any of you Lacks wisdom he should seek God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from hte Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does." ~ James 1:5-8
"Some of you say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to some city. We will stay there a year do business and make money. But you do not know what will happen tomorrow! Your life is like a mist. yu can see it for a short time, then it goes away. so you should say, 'if the Lord wants we will live and do this or that." ~ James 4:13-15
"Humility is not something we have till humbling ourselves is something we do." ~ Beth Moore.
"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him. He cannot save himself or say, 'is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"
~Isa. 44:20
"When we are not satisfied in Christ, we develop 2 things; a negative focus that leads to self righteousness and blindness, and a satisfaction vacuum that pulls us toward false solutions." ~ Beth Moore.
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God as called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if at some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." ~ Phillippians 3:13-16
All of them because I chose to live a lifestyle where God is the one who directs my path. Lately, I have developed an idol called Security. This idol is a bitch. If i don't have some sort of security..whether it be financial, educational, or investment in my future, I flip. And it all came from the great habit of making future plans. Future Plans I decided that I wanted to happen, without really praying about it..just deciding that's the way it's going to be. Luckly I have an amazing mentor, who gives me amazing workbooks, that somehow are alive. I swear, this beth moore workbook i am going through, has been unfolding questions and topics that have to do exactly with what I am going through. Whether it be doubt, uncertainty, fear, pride, selfishness, etc. I have learned SO much in SO little time I just can't blog about it as much as I would like to. So this is a collaboration of the thoughts, quotes, and scriptures that are/ have been helping me get rid of the idol of security, the fear of uncertainty in my own life on earth, and the box i put God in.
" No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God First."~ Oswald Chambers
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." ~ Psalm 143:8
"The Key to Peace is authority. Peace is the fruit of an obedient, righteous life." ~ Beth Moore.
"You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on yoru pleasures." ~ James 4:2-3
"Discipline - somehow at times of great temptation and weakness,discipline flies like a bird out the window.
Lessons from The Past - We don't think straight when we get a surprise hard core attack.
What is Best For Us- our humannature is much too slef-destructive to automatically choose what is best in our weakest moments."
~ Beth Moore.
"It is God's will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid secual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionat lust like the heathen who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or should take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit."
~ 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
"If Any of you Lacks wisdom he should seek God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from hte Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does." ~ James 1:5-8
"Some of you say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to some city. We will stay there a year do business and make money. But you do not know what will happen tomorrow! Your life is like a mist. yu can see it for a short time, then it goes away. so you should say, 'if the Lord wants we will live and do this or that." ~ James 4:13-15
"Humility is not something we have till humbling ourselves is something we do." ~ Beth Moore.
"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him. He cannot save himself or say, 'is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"
~Isa. 44:20
"When we are not satisfied in Christ, we develop 2 things; a negative focus that leads to self righteousness and blindness, and a satisfaction vacuum that pulls us toward false solutions." ~ Beth Moore.
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God as called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if at some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." ~ Phillippians 3:13-16
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Seasons
This past school year has moved me in so many ways...mostly because it was a roller coaster of emotion, decision, and change. There are few people in my life that move me. Move me spiritually, emotionally, and physically by changing my actions. Recently I have had what my friend Jocelyn Larsen calls, a “seasonal” friend; One whom God puts in your life for a season and a reason. A seasonal friend that moved my entire being, and has left an handprint on my heart.
I attend a church called Resonate on the WSU campus, one whose motto is “serving God is better in community.” There are very few churches that live up to the motto they put themselves under, and since Resonate never loses their vision through that motto, I attend. Wholeheartedly. Resonate is staffed with a bunch of people from Texas through some ministry connection I can’t remember the name of that is under the huge umbrella of the Southern Baptist Church. This ministry sends us interns, and my seasonal friend came for a school year to intern with the church. She did more than intern however. She defined the word serve. She defined the word love. She defined the word submission. If you know me, you know I like the real truth. When I need to hear something..i like brutal honesty. It’s how my parents have been towards me, and it pushes me to learn and grow. I appreciate learning through that more than anything. I think the brutality side comes from being a musician…that fire inside of you that pushes you brutally to be the best. This seasonal friend, is the only one I have had that has changed that side of me. When I needed love the most, she gave it. When I needed prayer and encouragement or just a favor, she was there. I feel like Jesus sends these people to remind us of how powerful is grace is. How it moves us in so many ways and therefore leads to transformation. Last semester was the worst 4 months of my life. The seasonal friend was there..sent from the Lord to remind me of His love through a time of such brokenness I drowned myself in ministry to feel like the Lord was present so I didn’t have to think about what I actually had to confront in the real world. And that was failure. Failure I put myself through and made for myself because I chose not to glorify the Lord with everything. Did I need to hear I was doing this? No, I already knew I had screwed up. Did I need a reminder on what forgiveness was? What unconditional love was? What Grace was? Hell yes. The Lord sent this seasonal friend to me to show me that. And oddly to also prepare me for a serious relationship. To give me of an example of the pursuit of holiness. It’s a tough thing to see, but that’s only because the beauty of it is so overwhelming. I crave that. And this seasonal friend is gone. Not forever, but from my presence. And it totally sucks. And it makes my heart ache..hurt…you know. I swear I’m not being dramatic. But like I said, I was moved. So thank you Jane Owen. Thank you for leaving the handprint on my heart. For making me want holiness and joy in the Lord more than anything. For showing me what true beauty is. For through comforting me, helping me see brokenness is the best thing for me at times. And through your time of grief, know your Pullman family and all the people you have moved(because I KNOW I am not the ONLY one), will always be here for you. Like you were for us. Thanks for showing us a glimpse of the love of Jesus Christ.
I attend a church called Resonate on the WSU campus, one whose motto is “serving God is better in community.” There are very few churches that live up to the motto they put themselves under, and since Resonate never loses their vision through that motto, I attend. Wholeheartedly. Resonate is staffed with a bunch of people from Texas through some ministry connection I can’t remember the name of that is under the huge umbrella of the Southern Baptist Church. This ministry sends us interns, and my seasonal friend came for a school year to intern with the church. She did more than intern however. She defined the word serve. She defined the word love. She defined the word submission. If you know me, you know I like the real truth. When I need to hear something..i like brutal honesty. It’s how my parents have been towards me, and it pushes me to learn and grow. I appreciate learning through that more than anything. I think the brutality side comes from being a musician…that fire inside of you that pushes you brutally to be the best. This seasonal friend, is the only one I have had that has changed that side of me. When I needed love the most, she gave it. When I needed prayer and encouragement or just a favor, she was there. I feel like Jesus sends these people to remind us of how powerful is grace is. How it moves us in so many ways and therefore leads to transformation. Last semester was the worst 4 months of my life. The seasonal friend was there..sent from the Lord to remind me of His love through a time of such brokenness I drowned myself in ministry to feel like the Lord was present so I didn’t have to think about what I actually had to confront in the real world. And that was failure. Failure I put myself through and made for myself because I chose not to glorify the Lord with everything. Did I need to hear I was doing this? No, I already knew I had screwed up. Did I need a reminder on what forgiveness was? What unconditional love was? What Grace was? Hell yes. The Lord sent this seasonal friend to me to show me that. And oddly to also prepare me for a serious relationship. To give me of an example of the pursuit of holiness. It’s a tough thing to see, but that’s only because the beauty of it is so overwhelming. I crave that. And this seasonal friend is gone. Not forever, but from my presence. And it totally sucks. And it makes my heart ache..hurt…you know. I swear I’m not being dramatic. But like I said, I was moved. So thank you Jane Owen. Thank you for leaving the handprint on my heart. For making me want holiness and joy in the Lord more than anything. For showing me what true beauty is. For through comforting me, helping me see brokenness is the best thing for me at times. And through your time of grief, know your Pullman family and all the people you have moved(because I KNOW I am not the ONLY one), will always be here for you. Like you were for us. Thanks for showing us a glimpse of the love of Jesus Christ.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
"....And I don't care who knows it!"
This will probably be the most honest I have ever been..so hold on to your hats.
Have you ever been in love?
I'm talking
heart aching
head over heels
barf inducing
one of the first things you think about in the morning is them..
one of the only people who makes you smile when you wanna punch someone....
you can't stand to miss a call or text from them...
you want to buy them things for no apparent reason...
the one person whose laugh and smile makes your heart so happy it feels like it may explode...
all the sudden every chick flick makes u cry and say "its uuuuuuusssss baaahhhhh"
(just kidding..thats just sad.)
all the sudden relationship books seem appealing..
flowers are prettier
coffee tastes better
ice cream is sweeter
The BIBLE makes you want to cry every time you open it
cause you are actually experiencing a love from Jesus Christ
you NEVER thought you would.
the food you eat together sends you to heaven
and you even spend all your money on gas to be with them.
(even when you know your going without food the next day)
and a kiss makes you feel like someone hooked you up to an electric chair
and so much electricity flows from your head to your toes that
your heart just might come right out of your chest
and land in their hand.
and it totally does every time he/she grabs your face and plants one.
cause you are so in love.
This is me.
I know I know, I have talked and talked about relationships not being for me.
and I could talk about what all the wise people in my life have said about my relationships.
But now, I am learning how to apply it.
Because I am so head over heels in love.
How do i know this?
I literally got to the point I was sitting myself down and trying to talk myself out of it
cause it felt so irrational, so unrealistic, so unlike anything else.
um sounds like the Love of Jesus Christ to me.
so irrational He would die on a cross cause of it.
so unrealistic He loves us unconditionally.
its SO unlike anything else.
and it is work.
hard work. money. time. energy.
and its the most fulfilling work i have ever experienced.
i have never strived to be so unconditional all the time with how i treat people.
and i have never in my wildest dreams, thought i would be seeing what I am.
I am reading this book, called Wild at Heart. It is changing how i view God.
and him..aka the boyfriend.
The book recently pointed out to me something quite amazing,
How the characteristics men and women have that are so different.. are all characteristics of the Lord.
being made in "His Image" has a whole new meaning all of the sudden.
All of the sudden it is so totally true..that I can't be connected with him unless I'm connected with the Lord.
how the hell am i supposed to understand men if i don't talk to God about it?
the ultimate pursuer and warrior of our hearts?
All of the sudden when I look at my boyfriend I see characteristics of God i could never posses or fully understand.
Unless i fully rely on the Lord's wisdom to help me respect those characteristics.
I am also learning a whole lot about myself too from that book.
About how the "stupid girl" side of me, is not so stupid.
the part of me that wants to be pursued, that wants to be loved, affirmed, etc.
that's from God. Christ TOTALLY wants to be pursued by us.
But how often do i forget to pursue the Lord, but strive to be pursued by my boyfriend.
all to often.
Some people may think
"what the hell Atalie, you've been dating for 4 months and your thinking like this already? How can you be in love?"
"Do you even KNOW what that means? Are you even thinking about protecting your heart?"
Well, I am what my friend Spencer Sorrell calls, "a rare bird."
When I was in 5th grade, i had my first crush. His name was AJ and all the girls at youth group thought he was SO cute.
I was one of those girls. And since my parents taught my sunday school, they knew I was gaga for him.
It made me so nervous to talk about him that i never did, but if you saw me then, you would be able to tell.
So my parents sat me down, actually my dad sat me down, and talked to me about relationships.
He talked to me about dating, and about what "protecting my heart" was, and about my relationship with God.
He also told me I am the most passionate person he knows, and he thought i should be careful.
He said it was great cause Christ is so passionate and has such a "give it all away" attitude with his love.
He also said he knew for a fact I am that way, and that i need to be really careful about who i give my heart to, and
how many times i give it away.
My parents never gave me "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" like the rest of my youth groups parents,
they basically told me
"Your smart. Your good with relationships. and you love Jesus. If you choose to date, make sure he is too.
Don't be stupid. WE would like you to wait to date till your older, but it's up to you and the Lord."
So I decided not to date. But I did decide to pray my face off. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart so that it's only His.
and to help me share it with just one other person...not 3 or 5. But one. Yep I have been praying to only date one person,
since i was in 5th grade. Sounds COMPLETELY unrealistic and totally nothing like anyone who lives in this day and age.
But I waited till i was 22 to kiss someone, hold hands with someone, and say I love You and mean it.
And boy do I mean it. It's worth it and i KNOW this relationship is going to be an amazing life changing one.
I just have to stop hating working so much. The lazy side of me doesn't want to be unconditional.
It wants to be selfish. And its so hard to get past my selfish desires and pursue selfless love.
And if my heart gets broken it gets broken. And since the Lord handed this relationship to me and it had NOTHING to do with me or how I felt at the time (since i was the most spiritually broken i have EVER been when I met him), I know the Lord would heal and restore my heart and it would still be okay cause i would Still follow after Him.
Loving this man is changing how I love the Lord in so many ways. its changing how I view the Lord's love for me.
Its changing everything.
and even though its difficult sometimes...its worth it.
I love you Gus Simpson. I won't give up on this.
Have you ever been in love?
I'm talking
heart aching
head over heels
barf inducing
one of the first things you think about in the morning is them..
one of the only people who makes you smile when you wanna punch someone....
you can't stand to miss a call or text from them...
you want to buy them things for no apparent reason...
the one person whose laugh and smile makes your heart so happy it feels like it may explode...
all the sudden every chick flick makes u cry and say "its uuuuuuusssss baaahhhhh"
(just kidding..thats just sad.)
all the sudden relationship books seem appealing..
flowers are prettier
coffee tastes better
ice cream is sweeter
The BIBLE makes you want to cry every time you open it
cause you are actually experiencing a love from Jesus Christ
you NEVER thought you would.
the food you eat together sends you to heaven
and you even spend all your money on gas to be with them.
(even when you know your going without food the next day)
and a kiss makes you feel like someone hooked you up to an electric chair
and so much electricity flows from your head to your toes that
your heart just might come right out of your chest
and land in their hand.
and it totally does every time he/she grabs your face and plants one.
cause you are so in love.
This is me.
I know I know, I have talked and talked about relationships not being for me.
and I could talk about what all the wise people in my life have said about my relationships.
But now, I am learning how to apply it.
Because I am so head over heels in love.
How do i know this?
I literally got to the point I was sitting myself down and trying to talk myself out of it
cause it felt so irrational, so unrealistic, so unlike anything else.
um sounds like the Love of Jesus Christ to me.
so irrational He would die on a cross cause of it.
so unrealistic He loves us unconditionally.
its SO unlike anything else.
and it is work.
hard work. money. time. energy.
and its the most fulfilling work i have ever experienced.
i have never strived to be so unconditional all the time with how i treat people.
and i have never in my wildest dreams, thought i would be seeing what I am.
I am reading this book, called Wild at Heart. It is changing how i view God.
and him..aka the boyfriend.
The book recently pointed out to me something quite amazing,
How the characteristics men and women have that are so different.. are all characteristics of the Lord.
being made in "His Image" has a whole new meaning all of the sudden.
All of the sudden it is so totally true..that I can't be connected with him unless I'm connected with the Lord.
how the hell am i supposed to understand men if i don't talk to God about it?
the ultimate pursuer and warrior of our hearts?
All of the sudden when I look at my boyfriend I see characteristics of God i could never posses or fully understand.
Unless i fully rely on the Lord's wisdom to help me respect those characteristics.
I am also learning a whole lot about myself too from that book.
About how the "stupid girl" side of me, is not so stupid.
the part of me that wants to be pursued, that wants to be loved, affirmed, etc.
that's from God. Christ TOTALLY wants to be pursued by us.
But how often do i forget to pursue the Lord, but strive to be pursued by my boyfriend.
all to often.
Some people may think
"what the hell Atalie, you've been dating for 4 months and your thinking like this already? How can you be in love?"
"Do you even KNOW what that means? Are you even thinking about protecting your heart?"
Well, I am what my friend Spencer Sorrell calls, "a rare bird."
When I was in 5th grade, i had my first crush. His name was AJ and all the girls at youth group thought he was SO cute.
I was one of those girls. And since my parents taught my sunday school, they knew I was gaga for him.
It made me so nervous to talk about him that i never did, but if you saw me then, you would be able to tell.
So my parents sat me down, actually my dad sat me down, and talked to me about relationships.
He talked to me about dating, and about what "protecting my heart" was, and about my relationship with God.
He also told me I am the most passionate person he knows, and he thought i should be careful.
He said it was great cause Christ is so passionate and has such a "give it all away" attitude with his love.
He also said he knew for a fact I am that way, and that i need to be really careful about who i give my heart to, and
how many times i give it away.
My parents never gave me "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" like the rest of my youth groups parents,
they basically told me
"Your smart. Your good with relationships. and you love Jesus. If you choose to date, make sure he is too.
Don't be stupid. WE would like you to wait to date till your older, but it's up to you and the Lord."
So I decided not to date. But I did decide to pray my face off. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart so that it's only His.
and to help me share it with just one other person...not 3 or 5. But one. Yep I have been praying to only date one person,
since i was in 5th grade. Sounds COMPLETELY unrealistic and totally nothing like anyone who lives in this day and age.
But I waited till i was 22 to kiss someone, hold hands with someone, and say I love You and mean it.
And boy do I mean it. It's worth it and i KNOW this relationship is going to be an amazing life changing one.
I just have to stop hating working so much. The lazy side of me doesn't want to be unconditional.
It wants to be selfish. And its so hard to get past my selfish desires and pursue selfless love.
And if my heart gets broken it gets broken. And since the Lord handed this relationship to me and it had NOTHING to do with me or how I felt at the time (since i was the most spiritually broken i have EVER been when I met him), I know the Lord would heal and restore my heart and it would still be okay cause i would Still follow after Him.
Loving this man is changing how I love the Lord in so many ways. its changing how I view the Lord's love for me.
Its changing everything.
and even though its difficult sometimes...its worth it.
I love you Gus Simpson. I won't give up on this.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It's amazing how God NEVER ceases to suprise me.
Here I am...super stressed about school...super anxious and worried...
NOT wanting to do ANYTHING with people...just study.
I have also been dealing with so much fear.
If you don't already know, i am in an amazing relationship.
It's so amazing and such a blessing it scares me sometimes.
I feel like i either don't deserve him or I am just not mature enough to handle it.
Both are bullshit but honestly..its hard to think otherwise when God so randomly blesses you with such an amazing person.
I have been feeling the spiritual stronghold of failure seep into my relationship.
it's been freaking me out.
I dont know what happened but i had NO confidence in God what so ever.
I had no confidence in His plan, or the love He has given me.
Esp. the Love He has given me through my boyfriend.
i had NO idea.
I was so spiritually dry and exhausted.
Exhausted from crying, worrying, and failing.
And GOd just spoke to me.
I sat in a group of people friday night and we talked about where we were at.
we were all so honest.
CRU has never felt so raw...its been so shallow to me for so long..so gospel only oriented.
till now.
i planned to do hw. brought tons of it.
instead i got massive allergies and ended up taking so much medicine i passed out saturday afternoon.
literally.
never passed out before hahaha. layed on my bed. and died.
it was not what i planned. but i needed it.
then i woke up. and had great God time.
i prayed for the man i love.
i prayed and prayed.
I prayed for strength in my weakness.
and i was open. and vulnerable. and myself. around people i dont hang with much.
i was so thankful i had that community through my college years.
so thankful for them always being there.
so thankful they kept pushing me despite how drained they were.
it was such a blessing.
one i took for granted. most of this semester.
i got to be open and honest with God.
my view of my future changed.
Sure i don't know what the hell is going to happen with my life.
But God's plan will ALWAYS be Glorifying Him. No matter WHAT.
it will also, be the best plan for me. even if it has weird changes.
I am so thankful for a love based on the rock of Christ.
I am so thankful for a community that keeps me on that rock.
i am so thankful for parents who helped put me on that rock.
what an amazing weekend.
Here I am...super stressed about school...super anxious and worried...
NOT wanting to do ANYTHING with people...just study.
I have also been dealing with so much fear.
If you don't already know, i am in an amazing relationship.
It's so amazing and such a blessing it scares me sometimes.
I feel like i either don't deserve him or I am just not mature enough to handle it.
Both are bullshit but honestly..its hard to think otherwise when God so randomly blesses you with such an amazing person.
I have been feeling the spiritual stronghold of failure seep into my relationship.
it's been freaking me out.
I dont know what happened but i had NO confidence in God what so ever.
I had no confidence in His plan, or the love He has given me.
Esp. the Love He has given me through my boyfriend.
i had NO idea.
I was so spiritually dry and exhausted.
Exhausted from crying, worrying, and failing.
And GOd just spoke to me.
I sat in a group of people friday night and we talked about where we were at.
we were all so honest.
CRU has never felt so raw...its been so shallow to me for so long..so gospel only oriented.
till now.
i planned to do hw. brought tons of it.
instead i got massive allergies and ended up taking so much medicine i passed out saturday afternoon.
literally.
never passed out before hahaha. layed on my bed. and died.
it was not what i planned. but i needed it.
then i woke up. and had great God time.
i prayed for the man i love.
i prayed and prayed.
I prayed for strength in my weakness.
and i was open. and vulnerable. and myself. around people i dont hang with much.
i was so thankful i had that community through my college years.
so thankful for them always being there.
so thankful they kept pushing me despite how drained they were.
it was such a blessing.
one i took for granted. most of this semester.
i got to be open and honest with God.
my view of my future changed.
Sure i don't know what the hell is going to happen with my life.
But God's plan will ALWAYS be Glorifying Him. No matter WHAT.
it will also, be the best plan for me. even if it has weird changes.
I am so thankful for a love based on the rock of Christ.
I am so thankful for a community that keeps me on that rock.
i am so thankful for parents who helped put me on that rock.
what an amazing weekend.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
repeating chorus.
I have been learning a ton about relationships.
from how to be nice when i don't feel like it
to communicating long distance.
Its been super difficult.
but probably the most rewarding and fulfilling way of learning,
God has EVER blessed me with.
I have been so blessed by so many people that take the time to love me
and give me a wide range of advise.
From my mom to my friend Josh..
it just keeps coming and coming
and i love praying about it and thinking about it..
and applying most of it.
i love reading the Bible.
I love my friends.
and i am totally in love with my boyfriend and i refuse to be ashamed.
I have been learning a lot about myself as a musician.
I have been learning that I really do love practicing.
Esp. when it gets me somewhere.
I love it more than geology thats for SURE.
Yesterday was the first time i actually sang like i wanted to.
Like I practiced.
And I was singing my "dream song" at the same time.
I also am stoked to be singing harmony with 2 of my most talented friends.
Might even break out a bit of violin.
I am so stoked to see where all of this takes me.
I think its interesting when we are trying to get through the trials in our lives...
and we work and work and we are totally drained and don't know if we are going to make it
and God is all the sudden like:
"Hey you. Look around. Everything your doing applies to your relationship with me.
Everything your doing applies to what I have called you to do.
Every relationship you have requires as much work as your music.
It takes time..but in the end every difficult thing you learned
turns into something beautiful. Something creative.
Something different..something that glorifies me.
So shut up, quit complaining, quit worrying about it, and get to work."
from how to be nice when i don't feel like it
to communicating long distance.
Its been super difficult.
but probably the most rewarding and fulfilling way of learning,
God has EVER blessed me with.
I have been so blessed by so many people that take the time to love me
and give me a wide range of advise.
From my mom to my friend Josh..
it just keeps coming and coming
and i love praying about it and thinking about it..
and applying most of it.
i love reading the Bible.
I love my friends.
and i am totally in love with my boyfriend and i refuse to be ashamed.
I have been learning a lot about myself as a musician.
I have been learning that I really do love practicing.
Esp. when it gets me somewhere.
I love it more than geology thats for SURE.
Yesterday was the first time i actually sang like i wanted to.
Like I practiced.
And I was singing my "dream song" at the same time.
I also am stoked to be singing harmony with 2 of my most talented friends.
Might even break out a bit of violin.
I am so stoked to see where all of this takes me.
I think its interesting when we are trying to get through the trials in our lives...
and we work and work and we are totally drained and don't know if we are going to make it
and God is all the sudden like:
"Hey you. Look around. Everything your doing applies to your relationship with me.
Everything your doing applies to what I have called you to do.
Every relationship you have requires as much work as your music.
It takes time..but in the end every difficult thing you learned
turns into something beautiful. Something creative.
Something different..something that glorifies me.
So shut up, quit complaining, quit worrying about it, and get to work."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
In a Sweater Poorly Knit
The Lord always makes me apply what he teaches.
Whenever keith/josh/amy/patrick dodson talk about something ....it comes up in my life.
I get to experience it, and apply what im being taught.
like the opportunity to forgive and forget and move forward.
the opportunity to love without expectation.
The opportunity to treat others like God treats us.
instead of doing unto others as they deserve.
so while applying this to my life with a dear friend of mine
[that i honestly didnt think i would be able to call "dear friend" and mean it ever again]
...he tells me of a band,
that turned out to be a mirror image of how i feel most of the time.
i have been attempting to reach out to my boyfriend in a new way.
he listens to a TON of music that he cant stand
that i love because i love it.
so i figured i would try to adapt my ear to his tastes.
because i love him,
i already have somewhat an ear for the hard core/screamo genre,
[thanks to my best friend in HS being in MANY metal bands/working at BLBC]
but it wears me out quickly.
so i am trying to build endurance.
anyways...
this band is totally different from anything i have ever really listened to.
they have awesome instrumentalists who play awesome melodies and harmonies
but the lead singer has a horrible voice.
in fact.
he yells their lyrics outloud
with music in a background
practically ruining the music.
not really a screamo band
but a "hard core" one none the less.
one i relate to.
the lead singer may be obnoxious vocally
but
the lyrics are the most passionate i have heard in a while
and come from the soul.
in fact
they remind me of psalms.
they contain verses a musician only dreams of writing
with a creativity people will do anything to have.
I love how when i first started listening i judged.
then a friend told me to listen closer..
and i heard passion, love, truth, and honesty.
the voice wasn't pretty.
but the words it yelled/spoke
were perfect.
it reminded me that
maybe when we feel like just an annoying yelling voice with
awesome background music that is getting ruined by us
we aren't looking at life the way we should.
maybe we don't have the confidence in the Lord we thought we did..
or maybe our identity really isn't in Christ.
maybe we should stop being so concerned with how we sound
but what we are actually saying.
just a thought.
"you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!
I do not exist only you exist"
~mewithoutyou~
Whenever keith/josh/amy/patrick dodson talk about something ....it comes up in my life.
I get to experience it, and apply what im being taught.
like the opportunity to forgive and forget and move forward.
the opportunity to love without expectation.
The opportunity to treat others like God treats us.
instead of doing unto others as they deserve.
so while applying this to my life with a dear friend of mine
[that i honestly didnt think i would be able to call "dear friend" and mean it ever again]
...he tells me of a band,
that turned out to be a mirror image of how i feel most of the time.
i have been attempting to reach out to my boyfriend in a new way.
he listens to a TON of music that he cant stand
that i love because i love it.
so i figured i would try to adapt my ear to his tastes.
because i love him,
i already have somewhat an ear for the hard core/screamo genre,
[thanks to my best friend in HS being in MANY metal bands/working at BLBC]
but it wears me out quickly.
so i am trying to build endurance.
anyways...
this band is totally different from anything i have ever really listened to.
they have awesome instrumentalists who play awesome melodies and harmonies
but the lead singer has a horrible voice.
in fact.
he yells their lyrics outloud
with music in a background
practically ruining the music.
not really a screamo band
but a "hard core" one none the less.
one i relate to.
the lead singer may be obnoxious vocally
but
the lyrics are the most passionate i have heard in a while
and come from the soul.
in fact
they remind me of psalms.
they contain verses a musician only dreams of writing
with a creativity people will do anything to have.
I love how when i first started listening i judged.
then a friend told me to listen closer..
and i heard passion, love, truth, and honesty.
the voice wasn't pretty.
but the words it yelled/spoke
were perfect.
it reminded me that
maybe when we feel like just an annoying yelling voice with
awesome background music that is getting ruined by us
we aren't looking at life the way we should.
maybe we don't have the confidence in the Lord we thought we did..
or maybe our identity really isn't in Christ.
maybe we should stop being so concerned with how we sound
but what we are actually saying.
just a thought.
"you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!
I do not exist only you exist"
~mewithoutyou~
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Crescendo
God is amazing...He has a watch and a plan.
And HE blessed me with a dear dear wise beautiful Godly friend/mentor
whom i am going through a study with
that is perfect for where I am at in life.
Its called Living Free and its by Beth Moore.
and this is a little something she wrote that is kind of changing my life.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny..
because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment..
because you "deserve better than this"
I cheat you of knowledge... because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing... because you're too full of me to forgive.
I cheat of you holiness..
because you refuse to admit you're wrong.
I cheat you of vision..
because you'd rather look in the mirror than out the window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship..
because no one knows the real you.
I cheat you of love..
because REAL romance DEMANDS sacrifice.
I cheat of you greatness in heaven
because I convince you to see your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.
Untrue.
I'm looking to make a fool of you.
GOd has so much for you I admit, but don't worry..
if you stick with me,
You'll never know.
~Beth Moore~
And HE blessed me with a dear dear wise beautiful Godly friend/mentor
whom i am going through a study with
that is perfect for where I am at in life.
Its called Living Free and its by Beth Moore.
and this is a little something she wrote that is kind of changing my life.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny..
because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment..
because you "deserve better than this"
I cheat you of knowledge... because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing... because you're too full of me to forgive.
I cheat of you holiness..
because you refuse to admit you're wrong.
I cheat you of vision..
because you'd rather look in the mirror than out the window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship..
because no one knows the real you.
I cheat you of love..
because REAL romance DEMANDS sacrifice.
I cheat of you greatness in heaven
because I convince you to see your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.
Untrue.
I'm looking to make a fool of you.
GOd has so much for you I admit, but don't worry..
if you stick with me,
You'll never know.
~Beth Moore~
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Now I Sing Freedom For All Of My Days
So this Easter was a bit different than the past.
Last year i was hard core into Easter.
I honestly did not really read my lent book alot
I didn't really give up anything..I tried but then felt stupid for it
cause i felt like i set myself up for failure.
I fasted but had a string cheese in the middle of the day Saturday.
I also was kinda iffy about the whole Easter service, because it was not as big of a deal to me I guess.
I don't know why.
Well, that all changed friday night.
knew the service would not be as sorrowful or scarring as last years..
but it was honestly the most intense time of worship and communion I have ever had.
It really brought to the surface a lot of the reasons why I felt the lacking of so much passion.
This entire weekend, I spent really going over this semester in my head.
it FLEW by as did the opportunity I had to make it TOTALLY different from the last.
I have full confidence my grades will be better and I won't fail.
But, I could have should have would have if have's wouldn't leave my mind.
Friday night I could barely sleep because
all those fill in the blank questions would not leave my head.
Lately I have had serious anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares.
Satan has a serious stronghold in my life that is wearing me down.
He tries his hardest to convince me DAILY that everything i do is pointless.
Every single relationship/friendship, every thing on my to-do list,
every musical note that comes out of my heart, mouth and body,
every word i say, action i put forth, step i take,
will ultimately lead to failure and its pointless to even try.
So this semester i have struggled, dragging my feet to put forth effort to TRY.
it hurts. every part of it hurts me. I get physically ill.
i know i know i sound SO dramatic.
well Satan is good at lying to girls with their emotions slash using emotions to lie to us.
He does that a lot to me.
Lately though, i have been seriously convicted by the strong hold of failure.
The shackles it holds me in are breaking and I can feel it.
I feel my passion for music slowly stirring inside me while
passions for other things are slowly fading.
I'm starting to view a big picture.
First I learned this through experiencing what it looks like to NOT let God's big picture affect your life.
It leads to brokenness and a feeling of failure and despair.
But praise God he rescues us from that..and blesses us with relationships that show us
how working hard and glorifying Him in EVERY aspect of our life pays off.
He also showed me that His picture is NOT mine in ANY way.
ESP. when i am NOT in the word, when i am NOT using my time, money, thoughts, and actions to Glorify Him.
and then of course, he showed me through my pastor Keith at Resonate.
The Holy Spirit is a POWERFUL being. and Lately, He has been working in AMAZING ways in my life
through my church.
Not ONLY has the Lord called me to use the spiritual gifts that He grew in me through CRU
next year on Resonate VSTAFF
but he ALSO
used the Metanarrative Sermon series to CHANGE.MY.LIFE.
So last night I could NOT sleep. Those fill in the blank questions were HAUNTING me something fierce.
I was super afraid about classes and school and decided to read the psalms.
I read through psalm 18-40, read 1 and 2 Corinthians, and did Laundry till about 330 am.
So Keith was talking today about the big picture and how even though all the little stories in
the story of the crucifixion made it all seem so chaotic and awful
God had a BIGGER plan that GLorified Him and His power.
He also read Psalm 22 and talked about how David prophesied this big plan
of the crucifixion
before crucifying people was even invented as a punishment for crime.
how amazing is that.
that in my anxiety i read through a psalm that showed a bigger picture.
a picture i way to often DONT look at or pay attention too.
even if its starring me in the face.
So often in this life all i can see is where I am at.
But there is something God is doing with my life
with the good and the bad and the successful parts and not so successful parts.
in Rob Bells book Droplets Like Stars
He talks about how is counselor has a sign that he pulls out every time Rob says words like
failure, waste and loss.
It says :
אלוהים זה לא בזבוז
The God That Does Not Waste.
what an amazing truth. God uses EVERYTHING to Glorify Him and show His bigger picture of salvation.
Now i can sing freedom for ALL of my days
because its ONLY by the power of the Cross I am saved.
Last year i was hard core into Easter.
I honestly did not really read my lent book alot
I didn't really give up anything..I tried but then felt stupid for it
cause i felt like i set myself up for failure.
I fasted but had a string cheese in the middle of the day Saturday.
I also was kinda iffy about the whole Easter service, because it was not as big of a deal to me I guess.
I don't know why.
Well, that all changed friday night.
knew the service would not be as sorrowful or scarring as last years..
but it was honestly the most intense time of worship and communion I have ever had.
It really brought to the surface a lot of the reasons why I felt the lacking of so much passion.
This entire weekend, I spent really going over this semester in my head.
it FLEW by as did the opportunity I had to make it TOTALLY different from the last.
I have full confidence my grades will be better and I won't fail.
But, I could have should have would have if have's wouldn't leave my mind.
Friday night I could barely sleep because
all those fill in the blank questions would not leave my head.
Lately I have had serious anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares.
Satan has a serious stronghold in my life that is wearing me down.
He tries his hardest to convince me DAILY that everything i do is pointless.
Every single relationship/friendship, every thing on my to-do list,
every musical note that comes out of my heart, mouth and body,
every word i say, action i put forth, step i take,
will ultimately lead to failure and its pointless to even try.
So this semester i have struggled, dragging my feet to put forth effort to TRY.
it hurts. every part of it hurts me. I get physically ill.
i know i know i sound SO dramatic.
well Satan is good at lying to girls with their emotions slash using emotions to lie to us.
He does that a lot to me.
Lately though, i have been seriously convicted by the strong hold of failure.
The shackles it holds me in are breaking and I can feel it.
I feel my passion for music slowly stirring inside me while
passions for other things are slowly fading.
I'm starting to view a big picture.
First I learned this through experiencing what it looks like to NOT let God's big picture affect your life.
It leads to brokenness and a feeling of failure and despair.
But praise God he rescues us from that..and blesses us with relationships that show us
how working hard and glorifying Him in EVERY aspect of our life pays off.
He also showed me that His picture is NOT mine in ANY way.
ESP. when i am NOT in the word, when i am NOT using my time, money, thoughts, and actions to Glorify Him.
and then of course, he showed me through my pastor Keith at Resonate.
The Holy Spirit is a POWERFUL being. and Lately, He has been working in AMAZING ways in my life
through my church.
Not ONLY has the Lord called me to use the spiritual gifts that He grew in me through CRU
next year on Resonate VSTAFF
but he ALSO
used the Metanarrative Sermon series to CHANGE.MY.LIFE.
So last night I could NOT sleep. Those fill in the blank questions were HAUNTING me something fierce.
I was super afraid about classes and school and decided to read the psalms.
I read through psalm 18-40, read 1 and 2 Corinthians, and did Laundry till about 330 am.
So Keith was talking today about the big picture and how even though all the little stories in
the story of the crucifixion made it all seem so chaotic and awful
God had a BIGGER plan that GLorified Him and His power.
He also read Psalm 22 and talked about how David prophesied this big plan
of the crucifixion
before crucifying people was even invented as a punishment for crime.
how amazing is that.
that in my anxiety i read through a psalm that showed a bigger picture.
a picture i way to often DONT look at or pay attention too.
even if its starring me in the face.
So often in this life all i can see is where I am at.
But there is something God is doing with my life
with the good and the bad and the successful parts and not so successful parts.
in Rob Bells book Droplets Like Stars
He talks about how is counselor has a sign that he pulls out every time Rob says words like
failure, waste and loss.
It says :
אלוהים זה לא בזבוז
The God That Does Not Waste.
what an amazing truth. God uses EVERYTHING to Glorify Him and show His bigger picture of salvation.
Now i can sing freedom for ALL of my days
because its ONLY by the power of the Cross I am saved.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Looking for music in a music box
I have a very dear friend named Jane.
she is an encourager, a lover, and a Grace giver.
She has the type of gentle tender hearted loving spirit I aspire to have.
Unfortunately i am too loud and crazy and outgoing to have this many days
but i still try.
Last semester while i was backed into a dark corner by Satan
my dear friend Jane told me about a CD that helped heal her heart many a time.
I immediatly said whatever but then she had me listen to a song called
From This One Place by Sara Groves.
The CD is her best work
she wrote it 2 years ago
she is in her 40's and has been making music for a lONG time.
knowing that her best CD was composed during her 40's made me feel better already.
and listening to this song made me realize that this CD is not a cheesy christian CD
like i thought it would be.
I have been thinking about what to blog and how to write out how i feel about my life right now.
this song explains it perfectly.
so thanks sara groves for reading my mind 2 years early and putting a melody to it.
From This One Place
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
she is an encourager, a lover, and a Grace giver.
She has the type of gentle tender hearted loving spirit I aspire to have.
Unfortunately i am too loud and crazy and outgoing to have this many days
but i still try.
Last semester while i was backed into a dark corner by Satan
my dear friend Jane told me about a CD that helped heal her heart many a time.
I immediatly said whatever but then she had me listen to a song called
From This One Place by Sara Groves.
The CD is her best work
she wrote it 2 years ago
she is in her 40's and has been making music for a lONG time.
knowing that her best CD was composed during her 40's made me feel better already.
and listening to this song made me realize that this CD is not a cheesy christian CD
like i thought it would be.
I have been thinking about what to blog and how to write out how i feel about my life right now.
this song explains it perfectly.
so thanks sara groves for reading my mind 2 years early and putting a melody to it.
From This One Place
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
Thursday, March 11, 2010
the solid rock.
I search and search.
to only find what was starring me right in the face.
I don't care if people think I am moving to fast
God has a watch He knows what time it is.
I control my actions and thoughts and feelings to an extent
but he has a hold on my heart and soul and controls and consumes me
as a result of the Holy Spirit in me.
I refuse to not change my actions.
I refuse to settle for anything less than the Lords plan.
So these are the scriptures the Lord revealed to me.
i am going to memorize them to remind me
no one has a hold on me but the Lord.
"Just because doing something is technically legal, doesn't mean it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims." 1 Corinthians 8:12.
"The Weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself u against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. " 2 Cor 10:4-5
"Fight the Good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12
"As for God his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. HE is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. HE trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:30-36
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mudand mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their Trust in God."
Psalm 40:2-3
"Yet I am always with you. You hold me by your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into Glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And this earth has NOTHING i desire besides you.
MY flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26
to only find what was starring me right in the face.
I don't care if people think I am moving to fast
God has a watch He knows what time it is.
I control my actions and thoughts and feelings to an extent
but he has a hold on my heart and soul and controls and consumes me
as a result of the Holy Spirit in me.
I refuse to not change my actions.
I refuse to settle for anything less than the Lords plan.
So these are the scriptures the Lord revealed to me.
i am going to memorize them to remind me
no one has a hold on me but the Lord.
"Just because doing something is technically legal, doesn't mean it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims." 1 Corinthians 8:12.
"The Weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself u against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. " 2 Cor 10:4-5
"Fight the Good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12
"As for God his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. HE is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. HE trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:30-36
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mudand mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their Trust in God."
Psalm 40:2-3
"Yet I am always with you. You hold me by your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into Glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And this earth has NOTHING i desire besides you.
MY flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
ties and slurs
I love people. I love it when people speak truth into my life.
Unfortunately I am REALLY good at listening and just doing what they say to make them like or love me, or get some kind of approval.
I go to an AMAZING church called Resonate. Its different because its Raw and made up of a Raw group of college students and twenty to thirty somethings that feel the Lord's calling in their lives to serve the campus, the church, and the world. I love it when my pastor Keith Weiser says something that smacks my heart or kicks my butt or causes a tear followed by an action.
I especially love a married couple on staff. When I decided I was angry at God and felt very alone at WSU, this couple helped me deal with it. They laughed with me prayed for me and the wife of this couple and I decided to start meeting.
She is someone I look up to. I strive for a relationship with God like hers. A balance of Grace and Truth that helps her speak, a sort of intune-ness with the Holy Spirit constantly, and a love for people i wish i had. We meet every other week and its great.
But for some reason its been hard lately.
You see im in love with this guy, and he was totally not on my timeline. But he was on God's and its been a struggle figuring out how to love him. How to get past the temptations, work through the struggles, and be honest with people at the same time.
I feel like the Lord has called me to be a worship leader BUT some parts of my life right now do not reflect that calling at all.
This woman keeps me accountable to this, but lately i have not been letting her. It hurts when i know i do the wrong thing, when i push boundaries, when i do what i want cause i can.
It hurts when I feel like i have to lie to someone i love so much to please them. I don't want to. i want to be honest. But something inside me wants to be told im okay. Im never going to be okay. I am always going to struggle. I just don't want to be judged i guess. But I guess there is a difference between Judgment and Godly Rebuke.
So even though i thought about it, Im not going to lie.
I refuse to give into Satan.
As my friend Lo said today
"I don't like Satan, he's a bad person and i hate him and the things he does."
this is so true. and kind of an adorable way to say it.
I love it when I know I have the right people in my life.
this couple is the right people.
my boyfriend is the right person.
my friends are the right people.
this body of believers are the right people.
these 4 truths, are going to keep me from letting Satan lie.
and listen to Godly Rebuke. and take it.
and cry. and learn. and grow. and be broken.
In the Lord. And to Glorify the Lord.
Not to Please the People.
or the person.
Unfortunately I am REALLY good at listening and just doing what they say to make them like or love me, or get some kind of approval.
I go to an AMAZING church called Resonate. Its different because its Raw and made up of a Raw group of college students and twenty to thirty somethings that feel the Lord's calling in their lives to serve the campus, the church, and the world. I love it when my pastor Keith Weiser says something that smacks my heart or kicks my butt or causes a tear followed by an action.
I especially love a married couple on staff. When I decided I was angry at God and felt very alone at WSU, this couple helped me deal with it. They laughed with me prayed for me and the wife of this couple and I decided to start meeting.
She is someone I look up to. I strive for a relationship with God like hers. A balance of Grace and Truth that helps her speak, a sort of intune-ness with the Holy Spirit constantly, and a love for people i wish i had. We meet every other week and its great.
But for some reason its been hard lately.
You see im in love with this guy, and he was totally not on my timeline. But he was on God's and its been a struggle figuring out how to love him. How to get past the temptations, work through the struggles, and be honest with people at the same time.
I feel like the Lord has called me to be a worship leader BUT some parts of my life right now do not reflect that calling at all.
This woman keeps me accountable to this, but lately i have not been letting her. It hurts when i know i do the wrong thing, when i push boundaries, when i do what i want cause i can.
It hurts when I feel like i have to lie to someone i love so much to please them. I don't want to. i want to be honest. But something inside me wants to be told im okay. Im never going to be okay. I am always going to struggle. I just don't want to be judged i guess. But I guess there is a difference between Judgment and Godly Rebuke.
So even though i thought about it, Im not going to lie.
I refuse to give into Satan.
As my friend Lo said today
"I don't like Satan, he's a bad person and i hate him and the things he does."
this is so true. and kind of an adorable way to say it.
I love it when I know I have the right people in my life.
this couple is the right people.
my boyfriend is the right person.
my friends are the right people.
this body of believers are the right people.
these 4 truths, are going to keep me from letting Satan lie.
and listen to Godly Rebuke. and take it.
and cry. and learn. and grow. and be broken.
In the Lord. And to Glorify the Lord.
Not to Please the People.
or the person.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
all other ground is sinking sand....
i dont know why I am blogging right now. I just had a breakdown because so many feelings and thoughts have been flooding my head for the past two days. like REALLY intense things. Like being in love, like not wanting to be at WSU anymore, wondering where my passion for music went, wondering where my passion for singing went, wondering why I can't do anything right.
I love knowing I can't depend on my boyfriend and I'm not being sarcastic. I need Jesus more than anything, and by telling me he needed to hang up the phone cause he was so exhausted he could not listen and needed to sleep or else he would get irritated reminded me i needed to have some serious one on one time with Jesus.
That one on one was a breakdown to the song You Are For Me by Kari Job which gets me EVERY time. I am so insecure. I hate it and I hate saying this but I can't stand my voice half the time and it doesn't help that my challenges every day in the music building trying desperately to get a degree constantly reminds me how good I am at failing. IT turns that passion that could have been a music note into a flood of tears. Lately the Lord has been teaching me a hell of a lot about strongholds, and failure is that stronghold i don't need in my life. It has me enslaved in shackles of lies I can't seem to get free from. Satan has me trapped right now and I just broke down telling the Lord i am sinking in sand and need him to be my solid rock and no one or nothing else.
I am sick of feeling like all my passion goes to hell. I am sick of feeling like I have this love for music that gets thrown out the window cause I SUCK at doing my homework and going to class and studying and taking tests and i'm always nervous cause i always think I am NEVER going to get any better. I can compare myself to people all day long. I can listen to people all day tell me how much they hate my voice or how i need to get better and better and how i am not good enough and if i cant do it now i will never be able to do it. im over it. I can't do it people. The only person that can is the Lord. He gave me this voice and he can take it away in a second. He gave me passion for some damn reason and I am sick of it going to Hell cause i think i have it under control and put it in something or someone who should NOT be having it or experiencing it.
I am sick of feeling dramatic and stupid for being myself. I am sick of dreading walking in the music building and being afraid of singing cause of people. this voice is God's and I don't give a damn anymore what anyone thinks. Im going to practice my ass off cause im sick of feeling like this all the time and breaking down cause im so nervous about messing up. It's His voice and if i don't glorify Him with it starting now He will take it away. I can't do school or relationships or life with out Him. This wall that is in front of me that I can't get past is going to get busted down by Jesus. Im too pissed to let it stand in my way anymore. I've cried too many tears for nothing.
my flesh and my heart and my mind and my body will always fail.
however...
His oath and covenant and blood support me in the whelming flood
when every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay
on Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.
I am SICK of sinking sand.
I love knowing I can't depend on my boyfriend and I'm not being sarcastic. I need Jesus more than anything, and by telling me he needed to hang up the phone cause he was so exhausted he could not listen and needed to sleep or else he would get irritated reminded me i needed to have some serious one on one time with Jesus.
That one on one was a breakdown to the song You Are For Me by Kari Job which gets me EVERY time. I am so insecure. I hate it and I hate saying this but I can't stand my voice half the time and it doesn't help that my challenges every day in the music building trying desperately to get a degree constantly reminds me how good I am at failing. IT turns that passion that could have been a music note into a flood of tears. Lately the Lord has been teaching me a hell of a lot about strongholds, and failure is that stronghold i don't need in my life. It has me enslaved in shackles of lies I can't seem to get free from. Satan has me trapped right now and I just broke down telling the Lord i am sinking in sand and need him to be my solid rock and no one or nothing else.
I am sick of feeling like all my passion goes to hell. I am sick of feeling like I have this love for music that gets thrown out the window cause I SUCK at doing my homework and going to class and studying and taking tests and i'm always nervous cause i always think I am NEVER going to get any better. I can compare myself to people all day long. I can listen to people all day tell me how much they hate my voice or how i need to get better and better and how i am not good enough and if i cant do it now i will never be able to do it. im over it. I can't do it people. The only person that can is the Lord. He gave me this voice and he can take it away in a second. He gave me passion for some damn reason and I am sick of it going to Hell cause i think i have it under control and put it in something or someone who should NOT be having it or experiencing it.
I am sick of feeling dramatic and stupid for being myself. I am sick of dreading walking in the music building and being afraid of singing cause of people. this voice is God's and I don't give a damn anymore what anyone thinks. Im going to practice my ass off cause im sick of feeling like this all the time and breaking down cause im so nervous about messing up. It's His voice and if i don't glorify Him with it starting now He will take it away. I can't do school or relationships or life with out Him. This wall that is in front of me that I can't get past is going to get busted down by Jesus. Im too pissed to let it stand in my way anymore. I've cried too many tears for nothing.
my flesh and my heart and my mind and my body will always fail.
however...
His oath and covenant and blood support me in the whelming flood
when every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay
on Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.
I am SICK of sinking sand.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Unwanted Reprise.
I know what i want in this life. I know what I am called to. And i have no clue when the hell its happening or what the hell is going on. You think you've reached your lowest point...then the Lord brings you out of it teaching you to appreciate brokenness, teaching you that the lowest points are when you are closest. the lowest points are when the most beautiful unexpected things happen, like meeting the one person i never thought i would. thats right, him. I never thought this would ever happen. I kind of felt like i was so unworthy for it to ever happen to me I talked myself out of it and felt like the Lord could use me more without it. I looked at a relationship like a crutch. but its not. its teaching me more about myself than i ever wanted to know. Its teaching more about the beauty of the melody of my life than i ever imagined; like how great being patient was, how God used my singleness and prayer for 1 person only to minister to him and show him God's grace and unconditional Love. yea its great. I can honestly say I am in love. and i have never felt this way and its extremely emotional to be able to say all this passion inside i refused to share is slowly coming out in encouragement, laughter, kisses and prayer for him. but the best part is...nothing has changed. im still my failing ridiculous dramatic super passionate musical self. and i kind of hate it.
i am so freaking tired of random breakdowns. where all i want is the holy spirit to fix my heart already. This chip in the vessel of myself the Lord is molding, has not gone away yet. I still SUCK at school and im getting better musically but im so over feeling like im not good enough like i will never be good enough. i want so badly to be normal haha. i want so badly to do well. to succeed. to compose like brooke frasier slash misty edwards and be at my knees consistently. I get it takes brokenness to get to that place, but do i constantly need to feel like i am spiritually in sack-cloth and ashes? is there something wrong with me? there are some moments i cant speak and hardly breathe. i dont feel right. i dont feel like myself. i try to laugh it off. He tries to kiss it away..comfort it away...pray it away..and nothing works. Where is this solid rock? where is the Lord?
He is no where to be seen. The joys of my life have become stresses. CRU worship team has become a dread in my mind..this is no good. I have not been to Resonate in 3 weeks. and i don't miss it. is my heart moving on? where is the Lord? Because this is the darkest my heart has been in a long time. I feel dramatic and stupid for writing this but i really don't know what else to do. I can't sing without crying. I can't breath without negative thoughts. I don't see the Lord in anything. I dive into his word constantly reading and reading and reading and praying and searching and crying the frick out. and im writing music and im confident musically in myself to a point but something is pulling me back. there is a huge wall..built by satan; a giant pause in my melody. and it hurts.
i am so freaking tired of random breakdowns. where all i want is the holy spirit to fix my heart already. This chip in the vessel of myself the Lord is molding, has not gone away yet. I still SUCK at school and im getting better musically but im so over feeling like im not good enough like i will never be good enough. i want so badly to be normal haha. i want so badly to do well. to succeed. to compose like brooke frasier slash misty edwards and be at my knees consistently. I get it takes brokenness to get to that place, but do i constantly need to feel like i am spiritually in sack-cloth and ashes? is there something wrong with me? there are some moments i cant speak and hardly breathe. i dont feel right. i dont feel like myself. i try to laugh it off. He tries to kiss it away..comfort it away...pray it away..and nothing works. Where is this solid rock? where is the Lord?
He is no where to be seen. The joys of my life have become stresses. CRU worship team has become a dread in my mind..this is no good. I have not been to Resonate in 3 weeks. and i don't miss it. is my heart moving on? where is the Lord? Because this is the darkest my heart has been in a long time. I feel dramatic and stupid for writing this but i really don't know what else to do. I can't sing without crying. I can't breath without negative thoughts. I don't see the Lord in anything. I dive into his word constantly reading and reading and reading and praying and searching and crying the frick out. and im writing music and im confident musically in myself to a point but something is pulling me back. there is a huge wall..built by satan; a giant pause in my melody. and it hurts.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Lament.
Everyone wants to be in a relationship and every one wants to be loved and told they are amazing and etc. For a very very long time, I did not want to be in one or get married. I felt like the Lord said no. And praise God he did or else I would be a mess. I dont know what the heck God is doing right now or why this is happening but I feel like the word no has been his favorite word towards me lately. I feel like even though my parents are supportive the Lord is going to say no to summer project. I am preparing myself mentally physically emotionally and spiritually. It is going to kill me and break my heart but the Lord has a plan and i have to trust it.
As for this ridiculous heart of mine, i recently gave it away to someone who I thought was going to take care of it. Turns they couldn't handle it and knew it. They were broken spiritually and emotionally and didnt care. He wanted my heart and wanted to love it. He wanted to be with me but couldn't. His was too broken. And it sucks but I feel like I get to really learn how to love someone and not expect anything from them. As much as it hurts, I don't regret holding hands with him or letting him run his fingers through my hair or falling asleep in his arms either. He is amazing and the Lord is going to do mighty things in his life he probably can't even imagine. I am just grateful the Lord has called me to stick around and help him through it.
I get to be his friend. And really when we think about relationships there really is not anything different, maybe some physical stuff included but nothing other than that. At least according to the bible and the models we have of relationships through Adam and Even and the Lord and David and Jonathan we should love each other unconditionally despite not having a title.
ya it kinda sucks that i thought i was going to share something with someone but really I just get to learn all over again. Maybe thats the way its always supposed to be though. I want to be there for him and I want to show him what the Lord has showed me. cause i can. and because i care about him. Just wish i never let him hold my hand.
I am too passionate for my own good. Should have listened to Amy Jessica and Jane and been careful. Oh well. I learned.
As for this ridiculous heart of mine, i recently gave it away to someone who I thought was going to take care of it. Turns they couldn't handle it and knew it. They were broken spiritually and emotionally and didnt care. He wanted my heart and wanted to love it. He wanted to be with me but couldn't. His was too broken. And it sucks but I feel like I get to really learn how to love someone and not expect anything from them. As much as it hurts, I don't regret holding hands with him or letting him run his fingers through my hair or falling asleep in his arms either. He is amazing and the Lord is going to do mighty things in his life he probably can't even imagine. I am just grateful the Lord has called me to stick around and help him through it.
I get to be his friend. And really when we think about relationships there really is not anything different, maybe some physical stuff included but nothing other than that. At least according to the bible and the models we have of relationships through Adam and Even and the Lord and David and Jonathan we should love each other unconditionally despite not having a title.
ya it kinda sucks that i thought i was going to share something with someone but really I just get to learn all over again. Maybe thats the way its always supposed to be though. I want to be there for him and I want to show him what the Lord has showed me. cause i can. and because i care about him. Just wish i never let him hold my hand.
I am too passionate for my own good. Should have listened to Amy Jessica and Jane and been careful. Oh well. I learned.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Diminished Seventh.
Life is a learning process and for some reason I always live life the hard way. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, but I do. There are some things in life I am very sure of, and there are somethings in life I thought I was sure of. I am very sure of my love for Jesus Christ. I am very sure that I have so much passion in my weird heart that it scares me, so I choose to push it towards worshiping Christ. I have recently however, come to notice I have only been worshiping Christ one way, the only way I felt I was good at doing it. I used to say i choose to worship Christ with my life and how i live. Thats easier said than done.
When I went on Summer Project in 2008 my leader Michelle Essary gave me a letter. I keep it in my Bible to remind me that God calls me to worship the Lord through all aspects of my life, not just music. I have been failing at this hard core. I have been slacking in so. many. areas of my life it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I was excited because for a while I was sure I was going to get to blame it on medical reasons and take med's and it would be all better. But really, it was just me and my flesh choosing to do things the hard way, yet again. I have come to the end of this road that only leads me to a dead end.
I am sick and tired of learning things the hard way and making life difficult for myself because I don't apply myself. I see people who aren't even music majors playing their faces of just because they know when they dedicate themselves it glorifies the Lord whether it be worship music or some Italian Aria. I am sick of being a slacker and not working hard because I don't feel like it. it gets me no where.
Tonight at CRU when I was singing I felt like i should not have been on stage. I think as a result of not striving with my everything to worship the Lord through doing my best at everything I dove into, I am not being a worship leader at all. It is not always about the music.
So I came home feeling not good after a stressful evening and I just wanted to go to bed when I have TONS do tomorrow cause I put it off. I talked to my dear friends that I live with feeling like crying because I can't stop thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. They prayed for me. Then I realized its not about what I feel like doing its what my mom always says - its what I get to do. and i get to do it well. cause i can do it well. I can be talented if i want to but I choose not to be. I can accomplish things that glorify the Lord and even though they may not be what I think they are going to be they will reflect my heart and the Lord's glory.
One of my favorite worship songs ever written I first heard on summer project. I was sitting on the balcony of my apartment late late one night listening to my friends ipod on random and the song None But Jesus by Brooke Frasier came on. It was exactly how I felt about Jesus and I knew that I was going to write songs and sing songs like it one day. How/when/where i had/still have no idea. But I know its going to happen. I just slow down the process when I make it about how I feel and what I feel like doing. I waste my time my money my life my talent. My heart aches right now thinking of the years I have wasted not doing what I should, not saying what I should, not being what I should be. But I can't dwell on it I can move forward praying the Lord change my heart and heal my mind from its lazy state.
I have a very dear friend named Jane. She is so nice and wonderful and I want to be just like her. She makes me cry regularly because she is so wonderful and it is overwhelming the amount of Jesus that pours from her heart and life. She gave me a rose yesterday when we met up and talked. I wanted to cry. She also earlier in the year let me borrow a CD that has changed my life and impacted my heart. The CD is by Kari Jobe and she wrote an amazing song called You Are For Me that is a reminder of the Lords heart towards me.
Tonight when i was super discouraged and I didn't want to listen to music I did anyways. Its interesting the thing I am so discouraged about brings me so much comfort. Its amazing how broken I have been feeling. This whole entire semester. And how far away I feel from the Lord. I want to go to heaven so badly some days. I don't even care about what I have or have not experienced in life I just want Jesus here with me right now because I feel so alone. I don't know what has happened or why I feel this way. Anyways Jane regularly reminds me of things that I do not get told very often by people other than my parents. She gives me the most encouraging words I have ever received and yesterday she told me I had a beautiful voice and that I was beautiful and God was going to use me to impact hundreds of thousands of people through music. I hope that is true. I hope that why I feel this way now is prepairing me for that.
I know this blog does not make any sense but I feel like the Lord is changing my life hard core. I wish this happened earlier kinda, but not really. I just know that there is no one else for me, None but Jesus. Crucified to Set Me Free and I live to Bring Him Praise. This will be my life motto and this will be what keeps me going. My heart hurts like hell but its okay because the Lord forgives renews and restarts.
And the diminished Seventh will resolve.
When I went on Summer Project in 2008 my leader Michelle Essary gave me a letter. I keep it in my Bible to remind me that God calls me to worship the Lord through all aspects of my life, not just music. I have been failing at this hard core. I have been slacking in so. many. areas of my life it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I was excited because for a while I was sure I was going to get to blame it on medical reasons and take med's and it would be all better. But really, it was just me and my flesh choosing to do things the hard way, yet again. I have come to the end of this road that only leads me to a dead end.
I am sick and tired of learning things the hard way and making life difficult for myself because I don't apply myself. I see people who aren't even music majors playing their faces of just because they know when they dedicate themselves it glorifies the Lord whether it be worship music or some Italian Aria. I am sick of being a slacker and not working hard because I don't feel like it. it gets me no where.
Tonight at CRU when I was singing I felt like i should not have been on stage. I think as a result of not striving with my everything to worship the Lord through doing my best at everything I dove into, I am not being a worship leader at all. It is not always about the music.
So I came home feeling not good after a stressful evening and I just wanted to go to bed when I have TONS do tomorrow cause I put it off. I talked to my dear friends that I live with feeling like crying because I can't stop thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. They prayed for me. Then I realized its not about what I feel like doing its what my mom always says - its what I get to do. and i get to do it well. cause i can do it well. I can be talented if i want to but I choose not to be. I can accomplish things that glorify the Lord and even though they may not be what I think they are going to be they will reflect my heart and the Lord's glory.
One of my favorite worship songs ever written I first heard on summer project. I was sitting on the balcony of my apartment late late one night listening to my friends ipod on random and the song None But Jesus by Brooke Frasier came on. It was exactly how I felt about Jesus and I knew that I was going to write songs and sing songs like it one day. How/when/where i had/still have no idea. But I know its going to happen. I just slow down the process when I make it about how I feel and what I feel like doing. I waste my time my money my life my talent. My heart aches right now thinking of the years I have wasted not doing what I should, not saying what I should, not being what I should be. But I can't dwell on it I can move forward praying the Lord change my heart and heal my mind from its lazy state.
I have a very dear friend named Jane. She is so nice and wonderful and I want to be just like her. She makes me cry regularly because she is so wonderful and it is overwhelming the amount of Jesus that pours from her heart and life. She gave me a rose yesterday when we met up and talked. I wanted to cry. She also earlier in the year let me borrow a CD that has changed my life and impacted my heart. The CD is by Kari Jobe and she wrote an amazing song called You Are For Me that is a reminder of the Lords heart towards me.
Tonight when i was super discouraged and I didn't want to listen to music I did anyways. Its interesting the thing I am so discouraged about brings me so much comfort. Its amazing how broken I have been feeling. This whole entire semester. And how far away I feel from the Lord. I want to go to heaven so badly some days. I don't even care about what I have or have not experienced in life I just want Jesus here with me right now because I feel so alone. I don't know what has happened or why I feel this way. Anyways Jane regularly reminds me of things that I do not get told very often by people other than my parents. She gives me the most encouraging words I have ever received and yesterday she told me I had a beautiful voice and that I was beautiful and God was going to use me to impact hundreds of thousands of people through music. I hope that is true. I hope that why I feel this way now is prepairing me for that.
I know this blog does not make any sense but I feel like the Lord is changing my life hard core. I wish this happened earlier kinda, but not really. I just know that there is no one else for me, None but Jesus. Crucified to Set Me Free and I live to Bring Him Praise. This will be my life motto and this will be what keeps me going. My heart hurts like hell but its okay because the Lord forgives renews and restarts.
And the diminished Seventh will resolve.
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