Seasons

This past school year has moved me in so many ways...mostly because it was a roller coaster of emotion, decision, and change. There are few people in my life that move me. Move me spiritually, emotionally, and physically by changing my actions. Recently I have had what my friend Jocelyn Larsen calls, a “seasonal” friend; One whom God puts in your life for a season and a reason. A seasonal friend that moved my entire being, and has left an handprint on my heart.
I attend a church called Resonate on the WSU campus, one whose motto is “serving God is better in community.” There are very few churches that live up to the motto they put themselves under, and since Resonate never loses their vision through that motto, I attend. Wholeheartedly. Resonate is staffed with a bunch of people from Texas through some ministry connection I can’t remember the name of that is under the huge umbrella of the Southern Baptist Church. This ministry sends us interns, and my seasonal friend came for a school year to intern with the church. She did more than intern however. She defined the word serve. She defined the word love. She defined the word submission. If you know me, you know I like the real truth. When I need to hear something..i like brutal honesty. It’s how my parents have been towards me, and it pushes me to learn and grow. I appreciate learning through that more than anything. I think the brutality side comes from being a musician…that fire inside of you that pushes you brutally to be the best. This seasonal friend, is the only one I have had that has changed that side of me. When I needed love the most, she gave it. When I needed prayer and encouragement or just a favor, she was there. I feel like Jesus sends these people to remind us of how powerful is grace is. How it moves us in so many ways and therefore leads to transformation. Last semester was the worst 4 months of my life. The seasonal friend was there..sent from the Lord to remind me of His love through a time of such brokenness I drowned myself in ministry to feel like the Lord was present so I didn’t have to think about what I actually had to confront in the real world. And that was failure. Failure I put myself through and made for myself because I chose not to glorify the Lord with everything. Did I need to hear I was doing this? No, I already knew I had screwed up. Did I need a reminder on what forgiveness was? What unconditional love was? What Grace was? Hell yes. The Lord sent this seasonal friend to me to show me that. And oddly to also prepare me for a serious relationship. To give me of an example of the pursuit of holiness. It’s a tough thing to see, but that’s only because the beauty of it is so overwhelming. I crave that. And this seasonal friend is gone. Not forever, but from my presence. And it totally sucks. And it makes my heart ache..hurt…you know. I swear I’m not being dramatic. But like I said, I was moved. So thank you Jane Owen. Thank you for leaving the handprint on my heart. For making me want holiness and joy in the Lord more than anything. For showing me what true beauty is. For through comforting me, helping me see brokenness is the best thing for me at times. And through your time of grief, know your Pullman family and all the people you have moved(because I KNOW I am not the ONLY one), will always be here for you. Like you were for us. Thanks for showing us a glimpse of the love of Jesus Christ.

"....And I don't care who knows it!"

This will probably be the most honest I have ever been..so hold on to your hats.
Have you ever been in love?
I'm talking
heart aching
head over heels
barf inducing
one of the first things you think about in the morning is them..
one of the only people who makes you smile when you wanna punch someone....
you can't stand to miss a call or text from them...
you want to buy them things for no apparent reason...
the one person whose laugh and smile makes your heart so happy it feels like it may explode...
all the sudden every chick flick makes u cry and say "its uuuuuuusssss baaahhhhh"
(just kidding..thats just sad.)
all the sudden relationship books seem appealing..
flowers are prettier
coffee tastes better
ice cream is sweeter
The BIBLE makes you want to cry every time you open it
cause you are actually experiencing a love from Jesus Christ
you NEVER thought you would.
the food you eat together sends you to heaven
and you even spend all your money on gas to be with them.
(even when you know your going without food the next day)
and a kiss makes you feel like someone hooked you up to an electric chair
and so much electricity flows from your head to your toes that
your heart just might come right out of your chest
and land in their hand.
and it totally does every time he/she grabs your face and plants one.
cause you are so in love.
This is me.

I know I know, I have talked and talked about relationships not being for me.
and I could talk about what all the wise people in my life have said about my relationships.
But now, I am learning how to apply it.
Because I am so head over heels in love.
How do i know this?
I literally got to the point I was sitting myself down and trying to talk myself out of it
cause it felt so irrational, so unrealistic, so unlike anything else.
um sounds like the Love of Jesus Christ to me.
so irrational He would die on a cross cause of it.
so unrealistic He loves us unconditionally.
its SO unlike anything else.
and it is work.
hard work. money. time. energy.
and its the most fulfilling work i have ever experienced.
i have never strived to be so unconditional all the time with how i treat people.
and i have never in my wildest dreams, thought i would be seeing what I am.
I am reading this book, called Wild at Heart. It is changing how i view God.
and him..aka the boyfriend.
The book recently pointed out to me something quite amazing,
How the characteristics men and women have that are so different.. are all characteristics of the Lord.
being made in "His Image" has a whole new meaning all of the sudden.
All of the sudden it is so totally true..that I can't be connected with him unless I'm connected with the Lord.
how the hell am i supposed to understand men if i don't talk to God about it?
the ultimate pursuer and warrior of our hearts?
All of the sudden when I look at my boyfriend I see characteristics of God i could never posses or fully understand.
Unless i fully rely on the Lord's wisdom to help me respect those characteristics.
I am also learning a whole lot about myself too from that book.
About how the "stupid girl" side of me, is not so stupid.
the part of me that wants to be pursued, that wants to be loved, affirmed, etc.
that's from God. Christ TOTALLY wants to be pursued by us.
But how often do i forget to pursue the Lord, but strive to be pursued by my boyfriend.
all to often.
Some people may think
"what the hell Atalie, you've been dating for 4 months and your thinking like this already? How can you be in love?"
"Do you even KNOW what that means? Are you even thinking about protecting your heart?"
Well, I am what my friend Spencer Sorrell calls, "a rare bird."
When I was in 5th grade, i had my first crush. His name was AJ and all the girls at youth group thought he was SO cute.
I was one of those girls. And since my parents taught my sunday school, they knew I was gaga for him.
It made me so nervous to talk about him that i never did, but if you saw me then, you would be able to tell.
So my parents sat me down, actually my dad sat me down, and talked to me about relationships.
He talked to me about dating, and about what "protecting my heart" was, and about my relationship with God.
He also told me I am the most passionate person he knows, and he thought i should be careful.
He said it was great cause Christ is so passionate and has such a "give it all away" attitude with his love.
He also said he knew for a fact I am that way, and that i need to be really careful about who i give my heart to, and
how many times i give it away.
My parents never gave me "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" like the rest of my youth groups parents,
they basically told me
"Your smart. Your good with relationships. and you love Jesus. If you choose to date, make sure he is too.
Don't be stupid. WE would like you to wait to date till your older, but it's up to you and the Lord."
So I decided not to date. But I did decide to pray my face off. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart so that it's only His.
and to help me share it with just one other person...not 3 or 5. But one. Yep I have been praying to only date one person,
since i was in 5th grade. Sounds COMPLETELY unrealistic and totally nothing like anyone who lives in this day and age.
But I waited till i was 22 to kiss someone, hold hands with someone, and say I love You and mean it.
And boy do I mean it. It's worth it and i KNOW this relationship is going to be an amazing life changing one.
I just have to stop hating working so much. The lazy side of me doesn't want to be unconditional.
It wants to be selfish. And its so hard to get past my selfish desires and pursue selfless love.
And if my heart gets broken it gets broken. And since the Lord handed this relationship to me and it had NOTHING to do with me or how I felt at the time (since i was the most spiritually broken i have EVER been when I met him), I know the Lord would heal and restore my heart and it would still be okay cause i would Still follow after Him.
Loving this man is changing how I love the Lord in so many ways. its changing how I view the Lord's love for me.
Its changing everything.
and even though its difficult sometimes...its worth it.
I love you Gus Simpson. I won't give up on this.