I struggle to find any truth in your lies.

Have you ever forgotten the Lord?
Like seriously felt completely absent from Him?
Have you ever pretended you knew Him but forgot what He was like?
Have you ever been so wrapped up in spending time with the lover in front of your face..
you forgot to spend time the unconditional lover who you will spend Eternity worshiping?
Have you ever just forgot what it was like to feel the peace of God?
Have you ever forgot what it was like to believe God had a plan for you?
Have you ever forgotten what it was like to actually believe God had a plan for your life?
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by your burden of sin and idolatry you never thought it would be lifted?
It is interesting how all of these things, I have recently experienced.
And with one night of solitude; one night of listening to nothing but drop dead sickly gorgeous hymns; one night of reading through Paul's letters, i feel at peace again.
I hate that.
I hate that I go from one state spiritually to another.
I hate that I can't be consistent.
I hate that I still can't get over the question that haunts my mind
due to crazy family trials..
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I hate that I just cant be one way and not feel the burden of not being in control
I hate that I cant just give it up.
I guess its just because i am so passionate.
I am an extremely passionate person.
I give my all, or nothing.
My singing voice is either really great, or really sucks.
My love is either all there, or all gone.
When I believe in something, i believe it whole heartedly.
When i complement you, I mean it.
When i give advise, i give it with my whole heart.
When i curse, I speak it with vigor.
When i share an opinion, it will be abrasive.
When i choose to hold onto a thought or plan, i cling to it with my life.
THUS:
When I sin, I sin BIG.
When I hear Satan's lies, I tend to believe them.
When I worship, the Holy Spirit consumes me and sometimes I forget where I am, or enter a completely different place.If you are there, I will take you with me. Im dead serious. Ask any of my friends.
When I decide to not follow the Lord, or ignore Him, my heart hardens in about 30 seconds of doing so.
When my mind enters places it shouldn't it goes nuts.
I wish my heart was not so passionate. I wish I could be more calm, more put together. But I am scattered in an oddly organized purposed way. One of the main reasons I love my boyfriend is because he is so put together and calm and at peace. He is the most responsible, smart, hard working person I know. He is passionate like myself, but puts that passion into constructive activity that glorifies the Lord and benefits everyone. Unlike Myself.
I was talking to my friend Doug today, We are at similar places in our lives spiritually. We both shared about how we feel like we have kinda lost our place, forgotten what the peace of God felt like, gotten lazy spiritually. I believe that spiritual laziness and a lack of peace is the result of believing the lies of Satan.
I constantly forget that I have been saved from every sin, and that laziness is a waste of time. Stress is a waste of the time God has given us. It is pointless and is a lie from Satan. Sadly, I am struggling daily to conquer him, and lately i have been failing. I am such a selfish being, prone to a sinful life filled with consequences.

"Nothing in thy hand I bring, simply to the cross i cling. Naked come to the for dress, helpless look to the for Grace. Frail I to the fountain fly; wash me savior, or i die. " ~ Rock of Ages

2 Corinthians 11:3
"I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpents cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ."

2 Corinthians 2:10-11
"I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

Romans 6

Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ

1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Slaves to Righteousness

15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.

How Fickle My heart and How Woozy My Eyes

I don't have much battery life left on my computer and my charger is not on me, but i wanted to update you on my reading. I have been very busy, as result of being blessed with Jobs. However, I have kept up on my reading. And thus, plan on updating you a little bit on things.

The more I read this book, the more I realize how much I need Jesus EVERY day. It's so easy to ignore him, esp. because I have a rather active thought life that seems to think about everything BUT things of Jesus Christ. However, this book has been showing me the power of the word of the Lord. In the beginning of the book, Beth Moore lists 5 Benefits to Total Surrender.
1) Knowing God and Believing in Him
2) Glorifying God
3) To Find Satisfaction in God
4) To Experience God's Peace
5) TO Enjoy God's Presence.
The 5 Obstacles that keep us from experiencing the benefits of total surrender are
1) Unbelief
2) Pride
3) Idolatry
4) Prayerlessness
5) Legalism

Each Chapter I have been reading tackles the 5 benefits and the 5 obstacles. I have read up to Prayerlessness. Idolatry has most definitely been the hardest chapter to read. I have so much of it in my life. I feel like every relationship and every blessing or possible great plan for my life or any form of possible security becomes an Idol.
Beth Moore poses this question in the beginning of the chapter - "Have you ever noticed that one of the most common human experiences is the inability to be completely satisfied? Unfortunately salvation alone does not completely fill the need. Many come to Christ out of their search for something missing; yet after receiving His salvation, they go elsewhere for further satisfaction. Dissatisfaction is not a terrible thing. It's a God thing. Its' only a terrible thing when we don't let it lead us to Christ."
How true is that? What I have noticed through reading this book the most is that every single obstacle I struggle with ties together. I don't believe God is always there for me and really has a plan for my life, thus I turn to Pride and believe that I am able to have control and let satan lie to me by telling me I am strong enough to handle it on my own, then make everything in my life an Idol by turning to them instead of the Lord or by not giving them up to God.
I also have been noticing I put too much of my time into a certain person into my life. I tend to poor out too much of my life onto people, and on this particular person I have put a great amount of expectation that completely inhibits me from unconditionally loving them. They will NEVER meet my needs like Jesus Christ can. Believing somehow their words or their actions or romance will somehow make me feel the way only Christ can, is a lie. This realization is only recent, due to my relationship being a long distant one. I never have realized how selfish and prideful I am, until I entered into a relationship. I never really felt that I had sin I needed to be stripped of, but I have never been in love and thus never wanted to be rid of it more in my life. Seeing it affect someone and something I love more than anything in my life is a huge burden I want nothing to do with anymore. How I hope salvation can soon be the satisfaction in my life again and take over and cleanse me.
Surrender is such a difficult thing. Oh how I can't wait to be away from all this sin in my life. I feel so filthy so much of the time. Giving into the flesh is such a terrible waste of time.

"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself or say, "is not this thing in my right hand a lie?" - Isaiah 44:20