Lament.

Everyone wants to be in a relationship and every one wants to be loved and told they are amazing and etc. For a very very long time, I did not want to be in one or get married. I felt like the Lord said no. And praise God he did or else I would be a mess. I dont know what the heck God is doing right now or why this is happening but I feel like the word no has been his favorite word towards me lately. I feel like even though my parents are supportive the Lord is going to say no to summer project. I am preparing myself mentally physically emotionally and spiritually. It is going to kill me and break my heart but the Lord has a plan and i have to trust it.
As for this ridiculous heart of mine, i recently gave it away to someone who I thought was going to take care of it. Turns they couldn't handle it and knew it. They were broken spiritually and emotionally and didnt care. He wanted my heart and wanted to love it. He wanted to be with me but couldn't. His was too broken. And it sucks but I feel like I get to really learn how to love someone and not expect anything from them. As much as it hurts, I don't regret holding hands with him or letting him run his fingers through my hair or falling asleep in his arms either. He is amazing and the Lord is going to do mighty things in his life he probably can't even imagine. I am just grateful the Lord has called me to stick around and help him through it.
I get to be his friend. And really when we think about relationships there really is not anything different, maybe some physical stuff included but nothing other than that. At least according to the bible and the models we have of relationships through Adam and Even and the Lord and David and Jonathan we should love each other unconditionally despite not having a title.
ya it kinda sucks that i thought i was going to share something with someone but really I just get to learn all over again. Maybe thats the way its always supposed to be though. I want to be there for him and I want to show him what the Lord has showed me. cause i can. and because i care about him. Just wish i never let him hold my hand.
I am too passionate for my own good. Should have listened to Amy Jessica and Jane and been careful. Oh well. I learned.

Diminished Seventh.

Life is a learning process and for some reason I always live life the hard way. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, but I do. There are some things in life I am very sure of, and there are somethings in life I thought I was sure of. I am very sure of my love for Jesus Christ. I am very sure that I have so much passion in my weird heart that it scares me, so I choose to push it towards worshiping Christ. I have recently however, come to notice I have only been worshiping Christ one way, the only way I felt I was good at doing it. I used to say i choose to worship Christ with my life and how i live. Thats easier said than done.
When I went on Summer Project in 2008 my leader Michelle Essary gave me a letter. I keep it in my Bible to remind me that God calls me to worship the Lord through all aspects of my life, not just music. I have been failing at this hard core. I have been slacking in so. many. areas of my life it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I was excited because for a while I was sure I was going to get to blame it on medical reasons and take med's and it would be all better. But really, it was just me and my flesh choosing to do things the hard way, yet again. I have come to the end of this road that only leads me to a dead end.
I am sick and tired of learning things the hard way and making life difficult for myself because I don't apply myself. I see people who aren't even music majors playing their faces of just because they know when they dedicate themselves it glorifies the Lord whether it be worship music or some Italian Aria. I am sick of being a slacker and not working hard because I don't feel like it. it gets me no where.
Tonight at CRU when I was singing I felt like i should not have been on stage. I think as a result of not striving with my everything to worship the Lord through doing my best at everything I dove into, I am not being a worship leader at all. It is not always about the music.
So I came home feeling not good after a stressful evening and I just wanted to go to bed when I have TONS do tomorrow cause I put it off. I talked to my dear friends that I live with feeling like crying because I can't stop thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. They prayed for me. Then I realized its not about what I feel like doing its what my mom always says - its what I get to do. and i get to do it well. cause i can do it well. I can be talented if i want to but I choose not to be. I can accomplish things that glorify the Lord and even though they may not be what I think they are going to be they will reflect my heart and the Lord's glory.
One of my favorite worship songs ever written I first heard on summer project. I was sitting on the balcony of my apartment late late one night listening to my friends ipod on random and the song None But Jesus by Brooke Frasier came on. It was exactly how I felt about Jesus and I knew that I was going to write songs and sing songs like it one day. How/when/where i had/still have no idea. But I know its going to happen. I just slow down the process when I make it about how I feel and what I feel like doing. I waste my time my money my life my talent. My heart aches right now thinking of the years I have wasted not doing what I should, not saying what I should, not being what I should be. But I can't dwell on it I can move forward praying the Lord change my heart and heal my mind from its lazy state.
I have a very dear friend named Jane. She is so nice and wonderful and I want to be just like her. She makes me cry regularly because she is so wonderful and it is overwhelming the amount of Jesus that pours from her heart and life. She gave me a rose yesterday when we met up and talked. I wanted to cry. She also earlier in the year let me borrow a CD that has changed my life and impacted my heart. The CD is by Kari Jobe and she wrote an amazing song called You Are For Me that is a reminder of the Lords heart towards me.
Tonight when i was super discouraged and I didn't want to listen to music I did anyways. Its interesting the thing I am so discouraged about brings me so much comfort. Its amazing how broken I have been feeling. This whole entire semester. And how far away I feel from the Lord. I want to go to heaven so badly some days. I don't even care about what I have or have not experienced in life I just want Jesus here with me right now because I feel so alone. I don't know what has happened or why I feel this way. Anyways Jane regularly reminds me of things that I do not get told very often by people other than my parents. She gives me the most encouraging words I have ever received and yesterday she told me I had a beautiful voice and that I was beautiful and God was going to use me to impact hundreds of thousands of people through music. I hope that is true. I hope that why I feel this way now is prepairing me for that.
I know this blog does not make any sense but I feel like the Lord is changing my life hard core. I wish this happened earlier kinda, but not really. I just know that there is no one else for me, None but Jesus. Crucified to Set Me Free and I live to Bring Him Praise. This will be my life motto and this will be what keeps me going. My heart hurts like hell but its okay because the Lord forgives renews and restarts.
And the diminished Seventh will resolve.

The recent minor key change.

I am not one to sit and lament over things. In fact I am such an impatient person most of the time all I want to do when facing a problem is run past it and forget about it. But there is a certain "problem" that won't go away. Lets call him tyrant. Tyrant fills my head with lyrics for music that I don't want to write cause I am afraid it will sound like a pathetic Taylor Swift ballad. He makes me sit and do nothing. Then I remind myself this tyrant is not worth wasting time over. Repair only comes by being productive with my heart. I just wish the repair was faster. I miss this tyrant overtaking my life. I loved everything this person brought into my life minus the heartbreak. Which was about 50% of it. Knowing your not going to be with someone who you actually love despite all the shit in your relationship sucks. People come and go but we will still have hearts.
The problem with this tyrant was it was all about self. It was completely selfish, everything we said and did to/with eachother. We wanted a fill in that feels great till the road of denial ends in the steep cliff one of us gets pushed off of. This tyrant pushed me off for sure and ran back down the road to call the police and blame someone else.
Its interesting the people we let in our lives. Why do our selfish hearts always want what we aren't supposed to? Why does rebellion taste so good then make us so sick? Why when offered eternity, Unconditional love, provision, value and destiny, do i accept heartbreak? It's not like the instant gratifciation is worth it. Its not like i didnt know what was coming. Its not like i didnt know everything would end. I guess i just wished it didnt.
Wow does avoiding hw and shopping all day make me think to hard.
I just wish I could put the past where it belongs.
I pray every day God gives me a hope and a trust so I don't have to feel like this anymore when this tyrant tells me out of the blue he misses me. Which i know, is a lie.

The Tonic Key.

I realize that my last blog was extremely random with no structure at all. So I should probably introduce myself and a little background.
I'm a Senior at WSU and a Music Major. Music is the only thing I am really good at yet for some reason I am horrible at school work. To me, Campus Crusade for Christ and Resonate Church are the reasons I go to WSU. They include the people I care about, a vision that I would not have without the Lord, and an encouragement to use music in the way God intended. I have always wanted to be a rock star. Just ask my parents. Those 2 things keep me in check, or else I would be an arrogant bitch. Its Fact.
I am an extremely passionate person. Sometimes it scares me cause I have no clue the capability of my emotion. It either explodes or implodes. Most of the time it implodes so much I want to explode and I shut down. I have recently been venting this passion through creating music, poetry and doing my school work. I have also been pouring it into people around me, and that is good but very hard. Most of the people the Lord calls me to pour it into are the complete opposite of me and challenge me hard core to adapt to differences. Lately I have been learning brokenness never really goes away. God uses it to mold us. After all the Bible does describe us as "jars of clay being molded." I figure he is fixing our broken shards and remolding us all the time, so i better get used to it. Its damn hard though. This whole brokenness/lonliness thing wears on me, but I never would expect it to be so fufilling.
On a brighter note, I love anything related to theater, singing, dancing, music, etc. I am a huge fan of musicals [except Phantom of the Opera and Dream Girls]. I love love love music. If I did not have a relationship with Jesus Christ music would be the only thing I cared about. I am super passionate about relationships. I believe that I am probably the most social person you will ever meet. Sometimes I clash with certain personalities, but thats rare. I just love people and i love being friends with people. It facinates me that there is only one "me" and one "you" in the whole universe. I have some amaazing friends at WSU that blow my mind and heart out of the water. Lately I have not been able to hang out with them very much, but its life. I miss them a lot though. I am also a huge fan of the ocean, cooking/baking, scrapbooking/stamping, Twilight, Gossip Girl, and fashion. If I was not a music major I would be a fashion major. But i am so materialistic that it would ruin me and my life. I love shopping and i love fashion magazines and all things from Nordstrom. I am also honest and open haha. Obviously. I do have a fabulous famliy, and I had the best childhood a kid could ever have had. I talk about it alot. I love kids. I am having two and when they are older I am adopting a little girl from China and a boy from Africa. I love to travel and can't wait to go to Paris or Australia.
I became a Christian when i was 17. I grew up in the church - Calvary Chapel of OLY- and was baptized when i was 13 cause my friends were getting baptized.I was a brat to many people and went to church cause of my friends because I was homeschooled and church was my social life. When I went to high school i got an itch to be different and experience the real world. I stopped being a fake biznatch and grew up. I dedicated my life when i was a JR. I had the best youth pastor ever and don't you dare argue with me. He was my big brother and planted a seed in my heart. It grew into a love for the Lord, music, and people.So much has happened since then, but thats another blog to come. I just know now, that if it weren't for him, or Jesus Christ for that matter, I would not be living the way I am today.

Rain.

It is interesting how driving in the rain to overplayed music is so theraputic. I don't have a car at school, so I never get to drive. When I get home for a break or something, I go driving. I usually say I am going to meet someone, but really I just drive and drive. Usually around downtown oly and back home again on back roads. It is usually in the rain. My soundtrack is usually Coldplay or Kings of Leon. I don't know why I listen to them so much...maybe cause they help me think.
Being lonely is a weird feeling. Its weird to have so many relationships and being around so many people all the time you just drown. I feel like going to WSU has chewed me up and spit me out. I feel like being a music major took alot of joy out of creating music for me, and thus I never practice so I am never at my full potential. I look like an idiot alot cause I say I am a music major and people expect all this genius out of my mouth but it never happens. I decided while driving I am going to be more dedicated to my art. I Am going to do it to benefit my relationship with the Lord. Next semester is going to be a new leaf in all areas of life.
I also decided that I am sick of feeling alone all the time. I am worn out from college life. I want to be on the road. I want to be in a band. I want to be writing music. I want to be famous in a weird way. Half of me however just wants to be known for sick worship music. I don't know what happened to me though. I used to love crowds and people. Now I kind of like being alone. To a point though. Feeling God is good. Feeling my sin is not. Lately I have been alone in more ways than one. And about 90% of the time. It is not good and i do not like it. But maybe it is good. Maybe i treasure it. I got asked out last week. I got really defensive. It is interesting how I wanted to experience something for so long then hating the experience once you get the chance to actually live it. I got so defensive.
I miss last year. I miss seeing my good friends all the time. I miss laughing alot. And blasting music. Music feels great.
I have been praying for my Grandma. She is my mom's mom. She is very mean to my mom and my mom's siblings. It hurts my feelings. I don't know if she is really a Christian or not. I am really mad at her for being mean to my mom. I hope I can forgive her before she dies.
Those drives in the rain sure bring up alot of thought.