Lament.

Everyone wants to be in a relationship and every one wants to be loved and told they are amazing and etc. For a very very long time, I did not want to be in one or get married. I felt like the Lord said no. And praise God he did or else I would be a mess. I dont know what the heck God is doing right now or why this is happening but I feel like the word no has been his favorite word towards me lately. I feel like even though my parents are supportive the Lord is going to say no to summer project. I am preparing myself mentally physically emotionally and spiritually. It is going to kill me and break my heart but the Lord has a plan and i have to trust it.
As for this ridiculous heart of mine, i recently gave it away to someone who I thought was going to take care of it. Turns they couldn't handle it and knew it. They were broken spiritually and emotionally and didnt care. He wanted my heart and wanted to love it. He wanted to be with me but couldn't. His was too broken. And it sucks but I feel like I get to really learn how to love someone and not expect anything from them. As much as it hurts, I don't regret holding hands with him or letting him run his fingers through my hair or falling asleep in his arms either. He is amazing and the Lord is going to do mighty things in his life he probably can't even imagine. I am just grateful the Lord has called me to stick around and help him through it.
I get to be his friend. And really when we think about relationships there really is not anything different, maybe some physical stuff included but nothing other than that. At least according to the bible and the models we have of relationships through Adam and Even and the Lord and David and Jonathan we should love each other unconditionally despite not having a title.
ya it kinda sucks that i thought i was going to share something with someone but really I just get to learn all over again. Maybe thats the way its always supposed to be though. I want to be there for him and I want to show him what the Lord has showed me. cause i can. and because i care about him. Just wish i never let him hold my hand.
I am too passionate for my own good. Should have listened to Amy Jessica and Jane and been careful. Oh well. I learned.