Diminished Seventh.

Life is a learning process and for some reason I always live life the hard way. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, but I do. There are some things in life I am very sure of, and there are somethings in life I thought I was sure of. I am very sure of my love for Jesus Christ. I am very sure that I have so much passion in my weird heart that it scares me, so I choose to push it towards worshiping Christ. I have recently however, come to notice I have only been worshiping Christ one way, the only way I felt I was good at doing it. I used to say i choose to worship Christ with my life and how i live. Thats easier said than done.
When I went on Summer Project in 2008 my leader Michelle Essary gave me a letter. I keep it in my Bible to remind me that God calls me to worship the Lord through all aspects of my life, not just music. I have been failing at this hard core. I have been slacking in so. many. areas of my life it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I was excited because for a while I was sure I was going to get to blame it on medical reasons and take med's and it would be all better. But really, it was just me and my flesh choosing to do things the hard way, yet again. I have come to the end of this road that only leads me to a dead end.
I am sick and tired of learning things the hard way and making life difficult for myself because I don't apply myself. I see people who aren't even music majors playing their faces of just because they know when they dedicate themselves it glorifies the Lord whether it be worship music or some Italian Aria. I am sick of being a slacker and not working hard because I don't feel like it. it gets me no where.
Tonight at CRU when I was singing I felt like i should not have been on stage. I think as a result of not striving with my everything to worship the Lord through doing my best at everything I dove into, I am not being a worship leader at all. It is not always about the music.
So I came home feeling not good after a stressful evening and I just wanted to go to bed when I have TONS do tomorrow cause I put it off. I talked to my dear friends that I live with feeling like crying because I can't stop thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. They prayed for me. Then I realized its not about what I feel like doing its what my mom always says - its what I get to do. and i get to do it well. cause i can do it well. I can be talented if i want to but I choose not to be. I can accomplish things that glorify the Lord and even though they may not be what I think they are going to be they will reflect my heart and the Lord's glory.
One of my favorite worship songs ever written I first heard on summer project. I was sitting on the balcony of my apartment late late one night listening to my friends ipod on random and the song None But Jesus by Brooke Frasier came on. It was exactly how I felt about Jesus and I knew that I was going to write songs and sing songs like it one day. How/when/where i had/still have no idea. But I know its going to happen. I just slow down the process when I make it about how I feel and what I feel like doing. I waste my time my money my life my talent. My heart aches right now thinking of the years I have wasted not doing what I should, not saying what I should, not being what I should be. But I can't dwell on it I can move forward praying the Lord change my heart and heal my mind from its lazy state.
I have a very dear friend named Jane. She is so nice and wonderful and I want to be just like her. She makes me cry regularly because she is so wonderful and it is overwhelming the amount of Jesus that pours from her heart and life. She gave me a rose yesterday when we met up and talked. I wanted to cry. She also earlier in the year let me borrow a CD that has changed my life and impacted my heart. The CD is by Kari Jobe and she wrote an amazing song called You Are For Me that is a reminder of the Lords heart towards me.
Tonight when i was super discouraged and I didn't want to listen to music I did anyways. Its interesting the thing I am so discouraged about brings me so much comfort. Its amazing how broken I have been feeling. This whole entire semester. And how far away I feel from the Lord. I want to go to heaven so badly some days. I don't even care about what I have or have not experienced in life I just want Jesus here with me right now because I feel so alone. I don't know what has happened or why I feel this way. Anyways Jane regularly reminds me of things that I do not get told very often by people other than my parents. She gives me the most encouraging words I have ever received and yesterday she told me I had a beautiful voice and that I was beautiful and God was going to use me to impact hundreds of thousands of people through music. I hope that is true. I hope that why I feel this way now is prepairing me for that.
I know this blog does not make any sense but I feel like the Lord is changing my life hard core. I wish this happened earlier kinda, but not really. I just know that there is no one else for me, None but Jesus. Crucified to Set Me Free and I live to Bring Him Praise. This will be my life motto and this will be what keeps me going. My heart hurts like hell but its okay because the Lord forgives renews and restarts.
And the diminished Seventh will resolve.