I am not one to sit and lament over things. In fact I am such an impatient person most of the time all I want to do when facing a problem is run past it and forget about it. But there is a certain "problem" that won't go away. Lets call him tyrant. Tyrant fills my head with lyrics for music that I don't want to write cause I am afraid it will sound like a pathetic Taylor Swift ballad. He makes me sit and do nothing. Then I remind myself this tyrant is not worth wasting time over. Repair only comes by being productive with my heart. I just wish the repair was faster. I miss this tyrant overtaking my life. I loved everything this person brought into my life minus the heartbreak. Which was about 50% of it. Knowing your not going to be with someone who you actually love despite all the shit in your relationship sucks. People come and go but we will still have hearts.
The problem with this tyrant was it was all about self. It was completely selfish, everything we said and did to/with eachother. We wanted a fill in that feels great till the road of denial ends in the steep cliff one of us gets pushed off of. This tyrant pushed me off for sure and ran back down the road to call the police and blame someone else.
Its interesting the people we let in our lives. Why do our selfish hearts always want what we aren't supposed to? Why does rebellion taste so good then make us so sick? Why when offered eternity, Unconditional love, provision, value and destiny, do i accept heartbreak? It's not like the instant gratifciation is worth it. Its not like i didnt know what was coming. Its not like i didnt know everything would end. I guess i just wished it didnt.
Wow does avoiding hw and shopping all day make me think to hard.
I just wish I could put the past where it belongs.
I pray every day God gives me a hope and a trust so I don't have to feel like this anymore when this tyrant tells me out of the blue he misses me. Which i know, is a lie.
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