The Unwanted Reprise.

I know what i want in this life. I know what I am called to. And i have no clue when the hell its happening or what the hell is going on. You think you've reached your lowest point...then the Lord brings you out of it teaching you to appreciate brokenness, teaching you that the lowest points are when you are closest. the lowest points are when the most beautiful unexpected things happen, like meeting the one person i never thought i would. thats right, him. I never thought this would ever happen. I kind of felt like i was so unworthy for it to ever happen to me I talked myself out of it and felt like the Lord could use me more without it. I looked at a relationship like a crutch. but its not. its teaching me more about myself than i ever wanted to know. Its teaching more about the beauty of the melody of my life than i ever imagined; like how great being patient was, how God used my singleness and prayer for 1 person only to minister to him and show him God's grace and unconditional Love. yea its great. I can honestly say I am in love. and i have never felt this way and its extremely emotional to be able to say all this passion inside i refused to share is slowly coming out in encouragement, laughter, kisses and prayer for him. but the best part is...nothing has changed. im still my failing ridiculous dramatic super passionate musical self. and i kind of hate it.

i am so freaking tired of random breakdowns. where all i want is the holy spirit to fix my heart already. This chip in the vessel of myself the Lord is molding, has not gone away yet. I still SUCK at school and im getting better musically but im so over feeling like im not good enough like i will never be good enough. i want so badly to be normal haha. i want so badly to do well. to succeed. to compose like brooke frasier slash misty edwards and be at my knees consistently. I get it takes brokenness to get to that place, but do i constantly need to feel like i am spiritually in sack-cloth and ashes? is there something wrong with me? there are some moments i cant speak and hardly breathe. i dont feel right. i dont feel like myself. i try to laugh it off. He tries to kiss it away..comfort it away...pray it away..and nothing works. Where is this solid rock? where is the Lord?
He is no where to be seen. The joys of my life have become stresses. CRU worship team has become a dread in my mind..this is no good. I have not been to Resonate in 3 weeks. and i don't miss it. is my heart moving on? where is the Lord? Because this is the darkest my heart has been in a long time. I feel dramatic and stupid for writing this but i really don't know what else to do. I can't sing without crying. I can't breath without negative thoughts. I don't see the Lord in anything. I dive into his word constantly reading and reading and reading and praying and searching and crying the frick out. and im writing music and im confident musically in myself to a point but something is pulling me back. there is a huge wall..built by satan; a giant pause in my melody. and it hurts.