i dont know why I am blogging right now. I just had a breakdown because so many feelings and thoughts have been flooding my head for the past two days. like REALLY intense things. Like being in love, like not wanting to be at WSU anymore, wondering where my passion for music went, wondering where my passion for singing went, wondering why I can't do anything right.
I love knowing I can't depend on my boyfriend and I'm not being sarcastic. I need Jesus more than anything, and by telling me he needed to hang up the phone cause he was so exhausted he could not listen and needed to sleep or else he would get irritated reminded me i needed to have some serious one on one time with Jesus.
That one on one was a breakdown to the song You Are For Me by Kari Job which gets me EVERY time. I am so insecure. I hate it and I hate saying this but I can't stand my voice half the time and it doesn't help that my challenges every day in the music building trying desperately to get a degree constantly reminds me how good I am at failing. IT turns that passion that could have been a music note into a flood of tears. Lately the Lord has been teaching me a hell of a lot about strongholds, and failure is that stronghold i don't need in my life. It has me enslaved in shackles of lies I can't seem to get free from. Satan has me trapped right now and I just broke down telling the Lord i am sinking in sand and need him to be my solid rock and no one or nothing else.
I am sick of feeling like all my passion goes to hell. I am sick of feeling like I have this love for music that gets thrown out the window cause I SUCK at doing my homework and going to class and studying and taking tests and i'm always nervous cause i always think I am NEVER going to get any better. I can compare myself to people all day long. I can listen to people all day tell me how much they hate my voice or how i need to get better and better and how i am not good enough and if i cant do it now i will never be able to do it. im over it. I can't do it people. The only person that can is the Lord. He gave me this voice and he can take it away in a second. He gave me passion for some damn reason and I am sick of it going to Hell cause i think i have it under control and put it in something or someone who should NOT be having it or experiencing it.
I am sick of feeling dramatic and stupid for being myself. I am sick of dreading walking in the music building and being afraid of singing cause of people. this voice is God's and I don't give a damn anymore what anyone thinks. Im going to practice my ass off cause im sick of feeling like this all the time and breaking down cause im so nervous about messing up. It's His voice and if i don't glorify Him with it starting now He will take it away. I can't do school or relationships or life with out Him. This wall that is in front of me that I can't get past is going to get busted down by Jesus. Im too pissed to let it stand in my way anymore. I've cried too many tears for nothing.
my flesh and my heart and my mind and my body will always fail.
however...
His oath and covenant and blood support me in the whelming flood
when every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay
on Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.
I am SICK of sinking sand.
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