ties and slurs

I love people. I love it when people speak truth into my life.
Unfortunately I am REALLY good at listening and just doing what they say to make them like or love me, or get some kind of approval.
I go to an AMAZING church called Resonate. Its different because its Raw and made up of a Raw group of college students and twenty to thirty somethings that feel the Lord's calling in their lives to serve the campus, the church, and the world. I love it when my pastor Keith Weiser says something that smacks my heart or kicks my butt or causes a tear followed by an action.
I especially love a married couple on staff. When I decided I was angry at God and felt very alone at WSU, this couple helped me deal with it. They laughed with me prayed for me and the wife of this couple and I decided to start meeting.
She is someone I look up to. I strive for a relationship with God like hers. A balance of Grace and Truth that helps her speak, a sort of intune-ness with the Holy Spirit constantly, and a love for people i wish i had. We meet every other week and its great.
But for some reason its been hard lately.
You see im in love with this guy, and he was totally not on my timeline. But he was on God's and its been a struggle figuring out how to love him. How to get past the temptations, work through the struggles, and be honest with people at the same time.
I feel like the Lord has called me to be a worship leader BUT some parts of my life right now do not reflect that calling at all.
This woman keeps me accountable to this, but lately i have not been letting her. It hurts when i know i do the wrong thing, when i push boundaries, when i do what i want cause i can.
It hurts when I feel like i have to lie to someone i love so much to please them. I don't want to. i want to be honest. But something inside me wants to be told im okay. Im never going to be okay. I am always going to struggle. I just don't want to be judged i guess. But I guess there is a difference between Judgment and Godly Rebuke.
So even though i thought about it, Im not going to lie.
I refuse to give into Satan.
As my friend Lo said today
"I don't like Satan, he's a bad person and i hate him and the things he does."
this is so true. and kind of an adorable way to say it.
I love it when I know I have the right people in my life.
this couple is the right people.
my boyfriend is the right person.
my friends are the right people.
this body of believers are the right people.

these 4 truths, are going to keep me from letting Satan lie.
and listen to Godly Rebuke. and take it.
and cry. and learn. and grow. and be broken.
In the Lord. And to Glorify the Lord.
Not to Please the People.
or the person.