Awake My Soul.

So this past spring semester, I went through a fabulous workbook by an amazing woman named Beth Moore called Breaking Free. It changed a lot about how i view my walk with God.
I am now reading the book that goes with that workbook. A bit out of order, I admit, but the workbook was so heavy i had to do one at a time. I have been learning so much about the Lord and myself that I am going to start specifically blogging about how that book is changing my life and my relationships with God and other people. The Lord is going to do some mighty things. I only expect it to happen both the most difficult and best way possible.

Part 1 and the beginning of Part 2. Chapters 1-4.
Key Verse: Isaiah 61:1-4.
Do I REALLY believe God?
I mean, if it came to a life and death situation, or the choice between being "alone" and being with someone for the rest of my life, would I REALLY choose the Lord? I can say I would all I want, but my recent thought processes would say other wise.
Honestly, I don't believe God is going to give me the best. It is a daily struggle for me to give up myself and my life to someone I won't physically see till my life is over. I believe He sent His son to die on the cross for me and that He loves me and all that. But lately I have been struggling with believing He will follow through. I have made myself an idol. I mean literally, myself, an idol. Beth Moore is using Isaiah and the first 33 chapters(i think that's what it was), to show that when God told the Israelites to only believe in Him, they didn't and thus made themselves and their sinful desires an idol. This means the desire to control my life is an idol. I believe God has good plans for me...in some aspects. I mean, going on an amazing Summer Project was His plan, and meeting my boyfriend at Winter Conference was in His plan, Resonate was in His plan, but sucking at school is really dragging me down. Not being able to use the talents I have to serve the Lord is hurting . I don't really see any sort of direction in my life at the moment. I don't see where i am going or what I am doing. All i see is that I will be doing ministry and that is awesome, but part of me wants a "real" job. Whatever that means. I am rambling. What I am trying to say is that the first thing i have learned from this book is that we never believe God as much as we think we do. There is ALWAYS something in the way of FULLY believing He is our God and nothing else is. There is always something distracting us from Him. Whether it's pride or fear, it is there. I wish this were not so.