I have a very dear friend named Jane.
she is an encourager, a lover, and a Grace giver.
She has the type of gentle tender hearted loving spirit I aspire to have.
Unfortunately i am too loud and crazy and outgoing to have this many days
but i still try.
Last semester while i was backed into a dark corner by Satan
my dear friend Jane told me about a CD that helped heal her heart many a time.
I immediatly said whatever but then she had me listen to a song called
From This One Place by Sara Groves.
The CD is her best work
she wrote it 2 years ago
she is in her 40's and has been making music for a lONG time.
knowing that her best CD was composed during her 40's made me feel better already.
and listening to this song made me realize that this CD is not a cheesy christian CD
like i thought it would be.
I have been thinking about what to blog and how to write out how i feel about my life right now.
this song explains it perfectly.
so thanks sara groves for reading my mind 2 years early and putting a melody to it.
From This One Place
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
the solid rock.
I search and search.
to only find what was starring me right in the face.
I don't care if people think I am moving to fast
God has a watch He knows what time it is.
I control my actions and thoughts and feelings to an extent
but he has a hold on my heart and soul and controls and consumes me
as a result of the Holy Spirit in me.
I refuse to not change my actions.
I refuse to settle for anything less than the Lords plan.
So these are the scriptures the Lord revealed to me.
i am going to memorize them to remind me
no one has a hold on me but the Lord.
"Just because doing something is technically legal, doesn't mean it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims." 1 Corinthians 8:12.
"The Weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself u against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. " 2 Cor 10:4-5
"Fight the Good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12
"As for God his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. HE is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. HE trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:30-36
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mudand mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their Trust in God."
Psalm 40:2-3
"Yet I am always with you. You hold me by your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into Glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And this earth has NOTHING i desire besides you.
MY flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26
to only find what was starring me right in the face.
I don't care if people think I am moving to fast
God has a watch He knows what time it is.
I control my actions and thoughts and feelings to an extent
but he has a hold on my heart and soul and controls and consumes me
as a result of the Holy Spirit in me.
I refuse to not change my actions.
I refuse to settle for anything less than the Lords plan.
So these are the scriptures the Lord revealed to me.
i am going to memorize them to remind me
no one has a hold on me but the Lord.
"Just because doing something is technically legal, doesn't mean it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims." 1 Corinthians 8:12.
"The Weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself u against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. " 2 Cor 10:4-5
"Fight the Good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12
"As for God his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. HE is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. HE trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:30-36
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mudand mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their Trust in God."
Psalm 40:2-3
"Yet I am always with you. You hold me by your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into Glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And this earth has NOTHING i desire besides you.
MY flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
ties and slurs
I love people. I love it when people speak truth into my life.
Unfortunately I am REALLY good at listening and just doing what they say to make them like or love me, or get some kind of approval.
I go to an AMAZING church called Resonate. Its different because its Raw and made up of a Raw group of college students and twenty to thirty somethings that feel the Lord's calling in their lives to serve the campus, the church, and the world. I love it when my pastor Keith Weiser says something that smacks my heart or kicks my butt or causes a tear followed by an action.
I especially love a married couple on staff. When I decided I was angry at God and felt very alone at WSU, this couple helped me deal with it. They laughed with me prayed for me and the wife of this couple and I decided to start meeting.
She is someone I look up to. I strive for a relationship with God like hers. A balance of Grace and Truth that helps her speak, a sort of intune-ness with the Holy Spirit constantly, and a love for people i wish i had. We meet every other week and its great.
But for some reason its been hard lately.
You see im in love with this guy, and he was totally not on my timeline. But he was on God's and its been a struggle figuring out how to love him. How to get past the temptations, work through the struggles, and be honest with people at the same time.
I feel like the Lord has called me to be a worship leader BUT some parts of my life right now do not reflect that calling at all.
This woman keeps me accountable to this, but lately i have not been letting her. It hurts when i know i do the wrong thing, when i push boundaries, when i do what i want cause i can.
It hurts when I feel like i have to lie to someone i love so much to please them. I don't want to. i want to be honest. But something inside me wants to be told im okay. Im never going to be okay. I am always going to struggle. I just don't want to be judged i guess. But I guess there is a difference between Judgment and Godly Rebuke.
So even though i thought about it, Im not going to lie.
I refuse to give into Satan.
As my friend Lo said today
"I don't like Satan, he's a bad person and i hate him and the things he does."
this is so true. and kind of an adorable way to say it.
I love it when I know I have the right people in my life.
this couple is the right people.
my boyfriend is the right person.
my friends are the right people.
this body of believers are the right people.
these 4 truths, are going to keep me from letting Satan lie.
and listen to Godly Rebuke. and take it.
and cry. and learn. and grow. and be broken.
In the Lord. And to Glorify the Lord.
Not to Please the People.
or the person.
Unfortunately I am REALLY good at listening and just doing what they say to make them like or love me, or get some kind of approval.
I go to an AMAZING church called Resonate. Its different because its Raw and made up of a Raw group of college students and twenty to thirty somethings that feel the Lord's calling in their lives to serve the campus, the church, and the world. I love it when my pastor Keith Weiser says something that smacks my heart or kicks my butt or causes a tear followed by an action.
I especially love a married couple on staff. When I decided I was angry at God and felt very alone at WSU, this couple helped me deal with it. They laughed with me prayed for me and the wife of this couple and I decided to start meeting.
She is someone I look up to. I strive for a relationship with God like hers. A balance of Grace and Truth that helps her speak, a sort of intune-ness with the Holy Spirit constantly, and a love for people i wish i had. We meet every other week and its great.
But for some reason its been hard lately.
You see im in love with this guy, and he was totally not on my timeline. But he was on God's and its been a struggle figuring out how to love him. How to get past the temptations, work through the struggles, and be honest with people at the same time.
I feel like the Lord has called me to be a worship leader BUT some parts of my life right now do not reflect that calling at all.
This woman keeps me accountable to this, but lately i have not been letting her. It hurts when i know i do the wrong thing, when i push boundaries, when i do what i want cause i can.
It hurts when I feel like i have to lie to someone i love so much to please them. I don't want to. i want to be honest. But something inside me wants to be told im okay. Im never going to be okay. I am always going to struggle. I just don't want to be judged i guess. But I guess there is a difference between Judgment and Godly Rebuke.
So even though i thought about it, Im not going to lie.
I refuse to give into Satan.
As my friend Lo said today
"I don't like Satan, he's a bad person and i hate him and the things he does."
this is so true. and kind of an adorable way to say it.
I love it when I know I have the right people in my life.
this couple is the right people.
my boyfriend is the right person.
my friends are the right people.
this body of believers are the right people.
these 4 truths, are going to keep me from letting Satan lie.
and listen to Godly Rebuke. and take it.
and cry. and learn. and grow. and be broken.
In the Lord. And to Glorify the Lord.
Not to Please the People.
or the person.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
all other ground is sinking sand....
i dont know why I am blogging right now. I just had a breakdown because so many feelings and thoughts have been flooding my head for the past two days. like REALLY intense things. Like being in love, like not wanting to be at WSU anymore, wondering where my passion for music went, wondering where my passion for singing went, wondering why I can't do anything right.
I love knowing I can't depend on my boyfriend and I'm not being sarcastic. I need Jesus more than anything, and by telling me he needed to hang up the phone cause he was so exhausted he could not listen and needed to sleep or else he would get irritated reminded me i needed to have some serious one on one time with Jesus.
That one on one was a breakdown to the song You Are For Me by Kari Job which gets me EVERY time. I am so insecure. I hate it and I hate saying this but I can't stand my voice half the time and it doesn't help that my challenges every day in the music building trying desperately to get a degree constantly reminds me how good I am at failing. IT turns that passion that could have been a music note into a flood of tears. Lately the Lord has been teaching me a hell of a lot about strongholds, and failure is that stronghold i don't need in my life. It has me enslaved in shackles of lies I can't seem to get free from. Satan has me trapped right now and I just broke down telling the Lord i am sinking in sand and need him to be my solid rock and no one or nothing else.
I am sick of feeling like all my passion goes to hell. I am sick of feeling like I have this love for music that gets thrown out the window cause I SUCK at doing my homework and going to class and studying and taking tests and i'm always nervous cause i always think I am NEVER going to get any better. I can compare myself to people all day long. I can listen to people all day tell me how much they hate my voice or how i need to get better and better and how i am not good enough and if i cant do it now i will never be able to do it. im over it. I can't do it people. The only person that can is the Lord. He gave me this voice and he can take it away in a second. He gave me passion for some damn reason and I am sick of it going to Hell cause i think i have it under control and put it in something or someone who should NOT be having it or experiencing it.
I am sick of feeling dramatic and stupid for being myself. I am sick of dreading walking in the music building and being afraid of singing cause of people. this voice is God's and I don't give a damn anymore what anyone thinks. Im going to practice my ass off cause im sick of feeling like this all the time and breaking down cause im so nervous about messing up. It's His voice and if i don't glorify Him with it starting now He will take it away. I can't do school or relationships or life with out Him. This wall that is in front of me that I can't get past is going to get busted down by Jesus. Im too pissed to let it stand in my way anymore. I've cried too many tears for nothing.
my flesh and my heart and my mind and my body will always fail.
however...
His oath and covenant and blood support me in the whelming flood
when every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay
on Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.
I am SICK of sinking sand.
I love knowing I can't depend on my boyfriend and I'm not being sarcastic. I need Jesus more than anything, and by telling me he needed to hang up the phone cause he was so exhausted he could not listen and needed to sleep or else he would get irritated reminded me i needed to have some serious one on one time with Jesus.
That one on one was a breakdown to the song You Are For Me by Kari Job which gets me EVERY time. I am so insecure. I hate it and I hate saying this but I can't stand my voice half the time and it doesn't help that my challenges every day in the music building trying desperately to get a degree constantly reminds me how good I am at failing. IT turns that passion that could have been a music note into a flood of tears. Lately the Lord has been teaching me a hell of a lot about strongholds, and failure is that stronghold i don't need in my life. It has me enslaved in shackles of lies I can't seem to get free from. Satan has me trapped right now and I just broke down telling the Lord i am sinking in sand and need him to be my solid rock and no one or nothing else.
I am sick of feeling like all my passion goes to hell. I am sick of feeling like I have this love for music that gets thrown out the window cause I SUCK at doing my homework and going to class and studying and taking tests and i'm always nervous cause i always think I am NEVER going to get any better. I can compare myself to people all day long. I can listen to people all day tell me how much they hate my voice or how i need to get better and better and how i am not good enough and if i cant do it now i will never be able to do it. im over it. I can't do it people. The only person that can is the Lord. He gave me this voice and he can take it away in a second. He gave me passion for some damn reason and I am sick of it going to Hell cause i think i have it under control and put it in something or someone who should NOT be having it or experiencing it.
I am sick of feeling dramatic and stupid for being myself. I am sick of dreading walking in the music building and being afraid of singing cause of people. this voice is God's and I don't give a damn anymore what anyone thinks. Im going to practice my ass off cause im sick of feeling like this all the time and breaking down cause im so nervous about messing up. It's His voice and if i don't glorify Him with it starting now He will take it away. I can't do school or relationships or life with out Him. This wall that is in front of me that I can't get past is going to get busted down by Jesus. Im too pissed to let it stand in my way anymore. I've cried too many tears for nothing.
my flesh and my heart and my mind and my body will always fail.
however...
His oath and covenant and blood support me in the whelming flood
when every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay
on Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.
I am SICK of sinking sand.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Unwanted Reprise.
I know what i want in this life. I know what I am called to. And i have no clue when the hell its happening or what the hell is going on. You think you've reached your lowest point...then the Lord brings you out of it teaching you to appreciate brokenness, teaching you that the lowest points are when you are closest. the lowest points are when the most beautiful unexpected things happen, like meeting the one person i never thought i would. thats right, him. I never thought this would ever happen. I kind of felt like i was so unworthy for it to ever happen to me I talked myself out of it and felt like the Lord could use me more without it. I looked at a relationship like a crutch. but its not. its teaching me more about myself than i ever wanted to know. Its teaching more about the beauty of the melody of my life than i ever imagined; like how great being patient was, how God used my singleness and prayer for 1 person only to minister to him and show him God's grace and unconditional Love. yea its great. I can honestly say I am in love. and i have never felt this way and its extremely emotional to be able to say all this passion inside i refused to share is slowly coming out in encouragement, laughter, kisses and prayer for him. but the best part is...nothing has changed. im still my failing ridiculous dramatic super passionate musical self. and i kind of hate it.
i am so freaking tired of random breakdowns. where all i want is the holy spirit to fix my heart already. This chip in the vessel of myself the Lord is molding, has not gone away yet. I still SUCK at school and im getting better musically but im so over feeling like im not good enough like i will never be good enough. i want so badly to be normal haha. i want so badly to do well. to succeed. to compose like brooke frasier slash misty edwards and be at my knees consistently. I get it takes brokenness to get to that place, but do i constantly need to feel like i am spiritually in sack-cloth and ashes? is there something wrong with me? there are some moments i cant speak and hardly breathe. i dont feel right. i dont feel like myself. i try to laugh it off. He tries to kiss it away..comfort it away...pray it away..and nothing works. Where is this solid rock? where is the Lord?
He is no where to be seen. The joys of my life have become stresses. CRU worship team has become a dread in my mind..this is no good. I have not been to Resonate in 3 weeks. and i don't miss it. is my heart moving on? where is the Lord? Because this is the darkest my heart has been in a long time. I feel dramatic and stupid for writing this but i really don't know what else to do. I can't sing without crying. I can't breath without negative thoughts. I don't see the Lord in anything. I dive into his word constantly reading and reading and reading and praying and searching and crying the frick out. and im writing music and im confident musically in myself to a point but something is pulling me back. there is a huge wall..built by satan; a giant pause in my melody. and it hurts.
i am so freaking tired of random breakdowns. where all i want is the holy spirit to fix my heart already. This chip in the vessel of myself the Lord is molding, has not gone away yet. I still SUCK at school and im getting better musically but im so over feeling like im not good enough like i will never be good enough. i want so badly to be normal haha. i want so badly to do well. to succeed. to compose like brooke frasier slash misty edwards and be at my knees consistently. I get it takes brokenness to get to that place, but do i constantly need to feel like i am spiritually in sack-cloth and ashes? is there something wrong with me? there are some moments i cant speak and hardly breathe. i dont feel right. i dont feel like myself. i try to laugh it off. He tries to kiss it away..comfort it away...pray it away..and nothing works. Where is this solid rock? where is the Lord?
He is no where to be seen. The joys of my life have become stresses. CRU worship team has become a dread in my mind..this is no good. I have not been to Resonate in 3 weeks. and i don't miss it. is my heart moving on? where is the Lord? Because this is the darkest my heart has been in a long time. I feel dramatic and stupid for writing this but i really don't know what else to do. I can't sing without crying. I can't breath without negative thoughts. I don't see the Lord in anything. I dive into his word constantly reading and reading and reading and praying and searching and crying the frick out. and im writing music and im confident musically in myself to a point but something is pulling me back. there is a huge wall..built by satan; a giant pause in my melody. and it hurts.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Lament.
Everyone wants to be in a relationship and every one wants to be loved and told they are amazing and etc. For a very very long time, I did not want to be in one or get married. I felt like the Lord said no. And praise God he did or else I would be a mess. I dont know what the heck God is doing right now or why this is happening but I feel like the word no has been his favorite word towards me lately. I feel like even though my parents are supportive the Lord is going to say no to summer project. I am preparing myself mentally physically emotionally and spiritually. It is going to kill me and break my heart but the Lord has a plan and i have to trust it.
As for this ridiculous heart of mine, i recently gave it away to someone who I thought was going to take care of it. Turns they couldn't handle it and knew it. They were broken spiritually and emotionally and didnt care. He wanted my heart and wanted to love it. He wanted to be with me but couldn't. His was too broken. And it sucks but I feel like I get to really learn how to love someone and not expect anything from them. As much as it hurts, I don't regret holding hands with him or letting him run his fingers through my hair or falling asleep in his arms either. He is amazing and the Lord is going to do mighty things in his life he probably can't even imagine. I am just grateful the Lord has called me to stick around and help him through it.
I get to be his friend. And really when we think about relationships there really is not anything different, maybe some physical stuff included but nothing other than that. At least according to the bible and the models we have of relationships through Adam and Even and the Lord and David and Jonathan we should love each other unconditionally despite not having a title.
ya it kinda sucks that i thought i was going to share something with someone but really I just get to learn all over again. Maybe thats the way its always supposed to be though. I want to be there for him and I want to show him what the Lord has showed me. cause i can. and because i care about him. Just wish i never let him hold my hand.
I am too passionate for my own good. Should have listened to Amy Jessica and Jane and been careful. Oh well. I learned.
As for this ridiculous heart of mine, i recently gave it away to someone who I thought was going to take care of it. Turns they couldn't handle it and knew it. They were broken spiritually and emotionally and didnt care. He wanted my heart and wanted to love it. He wanted to be with me but couldn't. His was too broken. And it sucks but I feel like I get to really learn how to love someone and not expect anything from them. As much as it hurts, I don't regret holding hands with him or letting him run his fingers through my hair or falling asleep in his arms either. He is amazing and the Lord is going to do mighty things in his life he probably can't even imagine. I am just grateful the Lord has called me to stick around and help him through it.
I get to be his friend. And really when we think about relationships there really is not anything different, maybe some physical stuff included but nothing other than that. At least according to the bible and the models we have of relationships through Adam and Even and the Lord and David and Jonathan we should love each other unconditionally despite not having a title.
ya it kinda sucks that i thought i was going to share something with someone but really I just get to learn all over again. Maybe thats the way its always supposed to be though. I want to be there for him and I want to show him what the Lord has showed me. cause i can. and because i care about him. Just wish i never let him hold my hand.
I am too passionate for my own good. Should have listened to Amy Jessica and Jane and been careful. Oh well. I learned.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Diminished Seventh.
Life is a learning process and for some reason I always live life the hard way. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, but I do. There are some things in life I am very sure of, and there are somethings in life I thought I was sure of. I am very sure of my love for Jesus Christ. I am very sure that I have so much passion in my weird heart that it scares me, so I choose to push it towards worshiping Christ. I have recently however, come to notice I have only been worshiping Christ one way, the only way I felt I was good at doing it. I used to say i choose to worship Christ with my life and how i live. Thats easier said than done.
When I went on Summer Project in 2008 my leader Michelle Essary gave me a letter. I keep it in my Bible to remind me that God calls me to worship the Lord through all aspects of my life, not just music. I have been failing at this hard core. I have been slacking in so. many. areas of my life it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I was excited because for a while I was sure I was going to get to blame it on medical reasons and take med's and it would be all better. But really, it was just me and my flesh choosing to do things the hard way, yet again. I have come to the end of this road that only leads me to a dead end.
I am sick and tired of learning things the hard way and making life difficult for myself because I don't apply myself. I see people who aren't even music majors playing their faces of just because they know when they dedicate themselves it glorifies the Lord whether it be worship music or some Italian Aria. I am sick of being a slacker and not working hard because I don't feel like it. it gets me no where.
Tonight at CRU when I was singing I felt like i should not have been on stage. I think as a result of not striving with my everything to worship the Lord through doing my best at everything I dove into, I am not being a worship leader at all. It is not always about the music.
So I came home feeling not good after a stressful evening and I just wanted to go to bed when I have TONS do tomorrow cause I put it off. I talked to my dear friends that I live with feeling like crying because I can't stop thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. They prayed for me. Then I realized its not about what I feel like doing its what my mom always says - its what I get to do. and i get to do it well. cause i can do it well. I can be talented if i want to but I choose not to be. I can accomplish things that glorify the Lord and even though they may not be what I think they are going to be they will reflect my heart and the Lord's glory.
One of my favorite worship songs ever written I first heard on summer project. I was sitting on the balcony of my apartment late late one night listening to my friends ipod on random and the song None But Jesus by Brooke Frasier came on. It was exactly how I felt about Jesus and I knew that I was going to write songs and sing songs like it one day. How/when/where i had/still have no idea. But I know its going to happen. I just slow down the process when I make it about how I feel and what I feel like doing. I waste my time my money my life my talent. My heart aches right now thinking of the years I have wasted not doing what I should, not saying what I should, not being what I should be. But I can't dwell on it I can move forward praying the Lord change my heart and heal my mind from its lazy state.
I have a very dear friend named Jane. She is so nice and wonderful and I want to be just like her. She makes me cry regularly because she is so wonderful and it is overwhelming the amount of Jesus that pours from her heart and life. She gave me a rose yesterday when we met up and talked. I wanted to cry. She also earlier in the year let me borrow a CD that has changed my life and impacted my heart. The CD is by Kari Jobe and she wrote an amazing song called You Are For Me that is a reminder of the Lords heart towards me.
Tonight when i was super discouraged and I didn't want to listen to music I did anyways. Its interesting the thing I am so discouraged about brings me so much comfort. Its amazing how broken I have been feeling. This whole entire semester. And how far away I feel from the Lord. I want to go to heaven so badly some days. I don't even care about what I have or have not experienced in life I just want Jesus here with me right now because I feel so alone. I don't know what has happened or why I feel this way. Anyways Jane regularly reminds me of things that I do not get told very often by people other than my parents. She gives me the most encouraging words I have ever received and yesterday she told me I had a beautiful voice and that I was beautiful and God was going to use me to impact hundreds of thousands of people through music. I hope that is true. I hope that why I feel this way now is prepairing me for that.
I know this blog does not make any sense but I feel like the Lord is changing my life hard core. I wish this happened earlier kinda, but not really. I just know that there is no one else for me, None but Jesus. Crucified to Set Me Free and I live to Bring Him Praise. This will be my life motto and this will be what keeps me going. My heart hurts like hell but its okay because the Lord forgives renews and restarts.
And the diminished Seventh will resolve.
When I went on Summer Project in 2008 my leader Michelle Essary gave me a letter. I keep it in my Bible to remind me that God calls me to worship the Lord through all aspects of my life, not just music. I have been failing at this hard core. I have been slacking in so. many. areas of my life it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I was excited because for a while I was sure I was going to get to blame it on medical reasons and take med's and it would be all better. But really, it was just me and my flesh choosing to do things the hard way, yet again. I have come to the end of this road that only leads me to a dead end.
I am sick and tired of learning things the hard way and making life difficult for myself because I don't apply myself. I see people who aren't even music majors playing their faces of just because they know when they dedicate themselves it glorifies the Lord whether it be worship music or some Italian Aria. I am sick of being a slacker and not working hard because I don't feel like it. it gets me no where.
Tonight at CRU when I was singing I felt like i should not have been on stage. I think as a result of not striving with my everything to worship the Lord through doing my best at everything I dove into, I am not being a worship leader at all. It is not always about the music.
So I came home feeling not good after a stressful evening and I just wanted to go to bed when I have TONS do tomorrow cause I put it off. I talked to my dear friends that I live with feeling like crying because I can't stop thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. They prayed for me. Then I realized its not about what I feel like doing its what my mom always says - its what I get to do. and i get to do it well. cause i can do it well. I can be talented if i want to but I choose not to be. I can accomplish things that glorify the Lord and even though they may not be what I think they are going to be they will reflect my heart and the Lord's glory.
One of my favorite worship songs ever written I first heard on summer project. I was sitting on the balcony of my apartment late late one night listening to my friends ipod on random and the song None But Jesus by Brooke Frasier came on. It was exactly how I felt about Jesus and I knew that I was going to write songs and sing songs like it one day. How/when/where i had/still have no idea. But I know its going to happen. I just slow down the process when I make it about how I feel and what I feel like doing. I waste my time my money my life my talent. My heart aches right now thinking of the years I have wasted not doing what I should, not saying what I should, not being what I should be. But I can't dwell on it I can move forward praying the Lord change my heart and heal my mind from its lazy state.
I have a very dear friend named Jane. She is so nice and wonderful and I want to be just like her. She makes me cry regularly because she is so wonderful and it is overwhelming the amount of Jesus that pours from her heart and life. She gave me a rose yesterday when we met up and talked. I wanted to cry. She also earlier in the year let me borrow a CD that has changed my life and impacted my heart. The CD is by Kari Jobe and she wrote an amazing song called You Are For Me that is a reminder of the Lords heart towards me.
Tonight when i was super discouraged and I didn't want to listen to music I did anyways. Its interesting the thing I am so discouraged about brings me so much comfort. Its amazing how broken I have been feeling. This whole entire semester. And how far away I feel from the Lord. I want to go to heaven so badly some days. I don't even care about what I have or have not experienced in life I just want Jesus here with me right now because I feel so alone. I don't know what has happened or why I feel this way. Anyways Jane regularly reminds me of things that I do not get told very often by people other than my parents. She gives me the most encouraging words I have ever received and yesterday she told me I had a beautiful voice and that I was beautiful and God was going to use me to impact hundreds of thousands of people through music. I hope that is true. I hope that why I feel this way now is prepairing me for that.
I know this blog does not make any sense but I feel like the Lord is changing my life hard core. I wish this happened earlier kinda, but not really. I just know that there is no one else for me, None but Jesus. Crucified to Set Me Free and I live to Bring Him Praise. This will be my life motto and this will be what keeps me going. My heart hurts like hell but its okay because the Lord forgives renews and restarts.
And the diminished Seventh will resolve.
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