God is amazing...He has a watch and a plan.
And HE blessed me with a dear dear wise beautiful Godly friend/mentor
whom i am going through a study with
that is perfect for where I am at in life.
Its called Living Free and its by Beth Moore.
and this is a little something she wrote that is kind of changing my life.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny..
because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment..
because you "deserve better than this"
I cheat you of knowledge... because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing... because you're too full of me to forgive.
I cheat of you holiness..
because you refuse to admit you're wrong.
I cheat you of vision..
because you'd rather look in the mirror than out the window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship..
because no one knows the real you.
I cheat you of love..
because REAL romance DEMANDS sacrifice.
I cheat of you greatness in heaven
because I convince you to see your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.
Untrue.
I'm looking to make a fool of you.
GOd has so much for you I admit, but don't worry..
if you stick with me,
You'll never know.
~Beth Moore~
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Now I Sing Freedom For All Of My Days
So this Easter was a bit different than the past.
Last year i was hard core into Easter.
I honestly did not really read my lent book alot
I didn't really give up anything..I tried but then felt stupid for it
cause i felt like i set myself up for failure.
I fasted but had a string cheese in the middle of the day Saturday.
I also was kinda iffy about the whole Easter service, because it was not as big of a deal to me I guess.
I don't know why.
Well, that all changed friday night.
knew the service would not be as sorrowful or scarring as last years..
but it was honestly the most intense time of worship and communion I have ever had.
It really brought to the surface a lot of the reasons why I felt the lacking of so much passion.
This entire weekend, I spent really going over this semester in my head.
it FLEW by as did the opportunity I had to make it TOTALLY different from the last.
I have full confidence my grades will be better and I won't fail.
But, I could have should have would have if have's wouldn't leave my mind.
Friday night I could barely sleep because
all those fill in the blank questions would not leave my head.
Lately I have had serious anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares.
Satan has a serious stronghold in my life that is wearing me down.
He tries his hardest to convince me DAILY that everything i do is pointless.
Every single relationship/friendship, every thing on my to-do list,
every musical note that comes out of my heart, mouth and body,
every word i say, action i put forth, step i take,
will ultimately lead to failure and its pointless to even try.
So this semester i have struggled, dragging my feet to put forth effort to TRY.
it hurts. every part of it hurts me. I get physically ill.
i know i know i sound SO dramatic.
well Satan is good at lying to girls with their emotions slash using emotions to lie to us.
He does that a lot to me.
Lately though, i have been seriously convicted by the strong hold of failure.
The shackles it holds me in are breaking and I can feel it.
I feel my passion for music slowly stirring inside me while
passions for other things are slowly fading.
I'm starting to view a big picture.
First I learned this through experiencing what it looks like to NOT let God's big picture affect your life.
It leads to brokenness and a feeling of failure and despair.
But praise God he rescues us from that..and blesses us with relationships that show us
how working hard and glorifying Him in EVERY aspect of our life pays off.
He also showed me that His picture is NOT mine in ANY way.
ESP. when i am NOT in the word, when i am NOT using my time, money, thoughts, and actions to Glorify Him.
and then of course, he showed me through my pastor Keith at Resonate.
The Holy Spirit is a POWERFUL being. and Lately, He has been working in AMAZING ways in my life
through my church.
Not ONLY has the Lord called me to use the spiritual gifts that He grew in me through CRU
next year on Resonate VSTAFF
but he ALSO
used the Metanarrative Sermon series to CHANGE.MY.LIFE.
So last night I could NOT sleep. Those fill in the blank questions were HAUNTING me something fierce.
I was super afraid about classes and school and decided to read the psalms.
I read through psalm 18-40, read 1 and 2 Corinthians, and did Laundry till about 330 am.
So Keith was talking today about the big picture and how even though all the little stories in
the story of the crucifixion made it all seem so chaotic and awful
God had a BIGGER plan that GLorified Him and His power.
He also read Psalm 22 and talked about how David prophesied this big plan
of the crucifixion
before crucifying people was even invented as a punishment for crime.
how amazing is that.
that in my anxiety i read through a psalm that showed a bigger picture.
a picture i way to often DONT look at or pay attention too.
even if its starring me in the face.
So often in this life all i can see is where I am at.
But there is something God is doing with my life
with the good and the bad and the successful parts and not so successful parts.
in Rob Bells book Droplets Like Stars
He talks about how is counselor has a sign that he pulls out every time Rob says words like
failure, waste and loss.
It says :
אלוהים זה לא בזבוז
The God That Does Not Waste.
what an amazing truth. God uses EVERYTHING to Glorify Him and show His bigger picture of salvation.
Now i can sing freedom for ALL of my days
because its ONLY by the power of the Cross I am saved.
Last year i was hard core into Easter.
I honestly did not really read my lent book alot
I didn't really give up anything..I tried but then felt stupid for it
cause i felt like i set myself up for failure.
I fasted but had a string cheese in the middle of the day Saturday.
I also was kinda iffy about the whole Easter service, because it was not as big of a deal to me I guess.
I don't know why.
Well, that all changed friday night.
knew the service would not be as sorrowful or scarring as last years..
but it was honestly the most intense time of worship and communion I have ever had.
It really brought to the surface a lot of the reasons why I felt the lacking of so much passion.
This entire weekend, I spent really going over this semester in my head.
it FLEW by as did the opportunity I had to make it TOTALLY different from the last.
I have full confidence my grades will be better and I won't fail.
But, I could have should have would have if have's wouldn't leave my mind.
Friday night I could barely sleep because
all those fill in the blank questions would not leave my head.
Lately I have had serious anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares.
Satan has a serious stronghold in my life that is wearing me down.
He tries his hardest to convince me DAILY that everything i do is pointless.
Every single relationship/friendship, every thing on my to-do list,
every musical note that comes out of my heart, mouth and body,
every word i say, action i put forth, step i take,
will ultimately lead to failure and its pointless to even try.
So this semester i have struggled, dragging my feet to put forth effort to TRY.
it hurts. every part of it hurts me. I get physically ill.
i know i know i sound SO dramatic.
well Satan is good at lying to girls with their emotions slash using emotions to lie to us.
He does that a lot to me.
Lately though, i have been seriously convicted by the strong hold of failure.
The shackles it holds me in are breaking and I can feel it.
I feel my passion for music slowly stirring inside me while
passions for other things are slowly fading.
I'm starting to view a big picture.
First I learned this through experiencing what it looks like to NOT let God's big picture affect your life.
It leads to brokenness and a feeling of failure and despair.
But praise God he rescues us from that..and blesses us with relationships that show us
how working hard and glorifying Him in EVERY aspect of our life pays off.
He also showed me that His picture is NOT mine in ANY way.
ESP. when i am NOT in the word, when i am NOT using my time, money, thoughts, and actions to Glorify Him.
and then of course, he showed me through my pastor Keith at Resonate.
The Holy Spirit is a POWERFUL being. and Lately, He has been working in AMAZING ways in my life
through my church.
Not ONLY has the Lord called me to use the spiritual gifts that He grew in me through CRU
next year on Resonate VSTAFF
but he ALSO
used the Metanarrative Sermon series to CHANGE.MY.LIFE.
So last night I could NOT sleep. Those fill in the blank questions were HAUNTING me something fierce.
I was super afraid about classes and school and decided to read the psalms.
I read through psalm 18-40, read 1 and 2 Corinthians, and did Laundry till about 330 am.
So Keith was talking today about the big picture and how even though all the little stories in
the story of the crucifixion made it all seem so chaotic and awful
God had a BIGGER plan that GLorified Him and His power.
He also read Psalm 22 and talked about how David prophesied this big plan
of the crucifixion
before crucifying people was even invented as a punishment for crime.
how amazing is that.
that in my anxiety i read through a psalm that showed a bigger picture.
a picture i way to often DONT look at or pay attention too.
even if its starring me in the face.
So often in this life all i can see is where I am at.
But there is something God is doing with my life
with the good and the bad and the successful parts and not so successful parts.
in Rob Bells book Droplets Like Stars
He talks about how is counselor has a sign that he pulls out every time Rob says words like
failure, waste and loss.
It says :
אלוהים זה לא בזבוז
The God That Does Not Waste.
what an amazing truth. God uses EVERYTHING to Glorify Him and show His bigger picture of salvation.
Now i can sing freedom for ALL of my days
because its ONLY by the power of the Cross I am saved.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Looking for music in a music box
I have a very dear friend named Jane.
she is an encourager, a lover, and a Grace giver.
She has the type of gentle tender hearted loving spirit I aspire to have.
Unfortunately i am too loud and crazy and outgoing to have this many days
but i still try.
Last semester while i was backed into a dark corner by Satan
my dear friend Jane told me about a CD that helped heal her heart many a time.
I immediatly said whatever but then she had me listen to a song called
From This One Place by Sara Groves.
The CD is her best work
she wrote it 2 years ago
she is in her 40's and has been making music for a lONG time.
knowing that her best CD was composed during her 40's made me feel better already.
and listening to this song made me realize that this CD is not a cheesy christian CD
like i thought it would be.
I have been thinking about what to blog and how to write out how i feel about my life right now.
this song explains it perfectly.
so thanks sara groves for reading my mind 2 years early and putting a melody to it.
From This One Place
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
she is an encourager, a lover, and a Grace giver.
She has the type of gentle tender hearted loving spirit I aspire to have.
Unfortunately i am too loud and crazy and outgoing to have this many days
but i still try.
Last semester while i was backed into a dark corner by Satan
my dear friend Jane told me about a CD that helped heal her heart many a time.
I immediatly said whatever but then she had me listen to a song called
From This One Place by Sara Groves.
The CD is her best work
she wrote it 2 years ago
she is in her 40's and has been making music for a lONG time.
knowing that her best CD was composed during her 40's made me feel better already.
and listening to this song made me realize that this CD is not a cheesy christian CD
like i thought it would be.
I have been thinking about what to blog and how to write out how i feel about my life right now.
this song explains it perfectly.
so thanks sara groves for reading my mind 2 years early and putting a melody to it.
From This One Place
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else
Thursday, March 11, 2010
the solid rock.
I search and search.
to only find what was starring me right in the face.
I don't care if people think I am moving to fast
God has a watch He knows what time it is.
I control my actions and thoughts and feelings to an extent
but he has a hold on my heart and soul and controls and consumes me
as a result of the Holy Spirit in me.
I refuse to not change my actions.
I refuse to settle for anything less than the Lords plan.
So these are the scriptures the Lord revealed to me.
i am going to memorize them to remind me
no one has a hold on me but the Lord.
"Just because doing something is technically legal, doesn't mean it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims." 1 Corinthians 8:12.
"The Weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself u against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. " 2 Cor 10:4-5
"Fight the Good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12
"As for God his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. HE is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. HE trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:30-36
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mudand mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their Trust in God."
Psalm 40:2-3
"Yet I am always with you. You hold me by your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into Glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And this earth has NOTHING i desire besides you.
MY flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26
to only find what was starring me right in the face.
I don't care if people think I am moving to fast
God has a watch He knows what time it is.
I control my actions and thoughts and feelings to an extent
but he has a hold on my heart and soul and controls and consumes me
as a result of the Holy Spirit in me.
I refuse to not change my actions.
I refuse to settle for anything less than the Lords plan.
So these are the scriptures the Lord revealed to me.
i am going to memorize them to remind me
no one has a hold on me but the Lord.
"Just because doing something is technically legal, doesn't mean it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims." 1 Corinthians 8:12.
"The Weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself u against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. " 2 Cor 10:4-5
"Fight the Good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12
"As for God his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. HE is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. HE trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:30-36
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mudand mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their Trust in God."
Psalm 40:2-3
"Yet I am always with you. You hold me by your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into Glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And this earth has NOTHING i desire besides you.
MY flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
ties and slurs
I love people. I love it when people speak truth into my life.
Unfortunately I am REALLY good at listening and just doing what they say to make them like or love me, or get some kind of approval.
I go to an AMAZING church called Resonate. Its different because its Raw and made up of a Raw group of college students and twenty to thirty somethings that feel the Lord's calling in their lives to serve the campus, the church, and the world. I love it when my pastor Keith Weiser says something that smacks my heart or kicks my butt or causes a tear followed by an action.
I especially love a married couple on staff. When I decided I was angry at God and felt very alone at WSU, this couple helped me deal with it. They laughed with me prayed for me and the wife of this couple and I decided to start meeting.
She is someone I look up to. I strive for a relationship with God like hers. A balance of Grace and Truth that helps her speak, a sort of intune-ness with the Holy Spirit constantly, and a love for people i wish i had. We meet every other week and its great.
But for some reason its been hard lately.
You see im in love with this guy, and he was totally not on my timeline. But he was on God's and its been a struggle figuring out how to love him. How to get past the temptations, work through the struggles, and be honest with people at the same time.
I feel like the Lord has called me to be a worship leader BUT some parts of my life right now do not reflect that calling at all.
This woman keeps me accountable to this, but lately i have not been letting her. It hurts when i know i do the wrong thing, when i push boundaries, when i do what i want cause i can.
It hurts when I feel like i have to lie to someone i love so much to please them. I don't want to. i want to be honest. But something inside me wants to be told im okay. Im never going to be okay. I am always going to struggle. I just don't want to be judged i guess. But I guess there is a difference between Judgment and Godly Rebuke.
So even though i thought about it, Im not going to lie.
I refuse to give into Satan.
As my friend Lo said today
"I don't like Satan, he's a bad person and i hate him and the things he does."
this is so true. and kind of an adorable way to say it.
I love it when I know I have the right people in my life.
this couple is the right people.
my boyfriend is the right person.
my friends are the right people.
this body of believers are the right people.
these 4 truths, are going to keep me from letting Satan lie.
and listen to Godly Rebuke. and take it.
and cry. and learn. and grow. and be broken.
In the Lord. And to Glorify the Lord.
Not to Please the People.
or the person.
Unfortunately I am REALLY good at listening and just doing what they say to make them like or love me, or get some kind of approval.
I go to an AMAZING church called Resonate. Its different because its Raw and made up of a Raw group of college students and twenty to thirty somethings that feel the Lord's calling in their lives to serve the campus, the church, and the world. I love it when my pastor Keith Weiser says something that smacks my heart or kicks my butt or causes a tear followed by an action.
I especially love a married couple on staff. When I decided I was angry at God and felt very alone at WSU, this couple helped me deal with it. They laughed with me prayed for me and the wife of this couple and I decided to start meeting.
She is someone I look up to. I strive for a relationship with God like hers. A balance of Grace and Truth that helps her speak, a sort of intune-ness with the Holy Spirit constantly, and a love for people i wish i had. We meet every other week and its great.
But for some reason its been hard lately.
You see im in love with this guy, and he was totally not on my timeline. But he was on God's and its been a struggle figuring out how to love him. How to get past the temptations, work through the struggles, and be honest with people at the same time.
I feel like the Lord has called me to be a worship leader BUT some parts of my life right now do not reflect that calling at all.
This woman keeps me accountable to this, but lately i have not been letting her. It hurts when i know i do the wrong thing, when i push boundaries, when i do what i want cause i can.
It hurts when I feel like i have to lie to someone i love so much to please them. I don't want to. i want to be honest. But something inside me wants to be told im okay. Im never going to be okay. I am always going to struggle. I just don't want to be judged i guess. But I guess there is a difference between Judgment and Godly Rebuke.
So even though i thought about it, Im not going to lie.
I refuse to give into Satan.
As my friend Lo said today
"I don't like Satan, he's a bad person and i hate him and the things he does."
this is so true. and kind of an adorable way to say it.
I love it when I know I have the right people in my life.
this couple is the right people.
my boyfriend is the right person.
my friends are the right people.
this body of believers are the right people.
these 4 truths, are going to keep me from letting Satan lie.
and listen to Godly Rebuke. and take it.
and cry. and learn. and grow. and be broken.
In the Lord. And to Glorify the Lord.
Not to Please the People.
or the person.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
all other ground is sinking sand....
i dont know why I am blogging right now. I just had a breakdown because so many feelings and thoughts have been flooding my head for the past two days. like REALLY intense things. Like being in love, like not wanting to be at WSU anymore, wondering where my passion for music went, wondering where my passion for singing went, wondering why I can't do anything right.
I love knowing I can't depend on my boyfriend and I'm not being sarcastic. I need Jesus more than anything, and by telling me he needed to hang up the phone cause he was so exhausted he could not listen and needed to sleep or else he would get irritated reminded me i needed to have some serious one on one time with Jesus.
That one on one was a breakdown to the song You Are For Me by Kari Job which gets me EVERY time. I am so insecure. I hate it and I hate saying this but I can't stand my voice half the time and it doesn't help that my challenges every day in the music building trying desperately to get a degree constantly reminds me how good I am at failing. IT turns that passion that could have been a music note into a flood of tears. Lately the Lord has been teaching me a hell of a lot about strongholds, and failure is that stronghold i don't need in my life. It has me enslaved in shackles of lies I can't seem to get free from. Satan has me trapped right now and I just broke down telling the Lord i am sinking in sand and need him to be my solid rock and no one or nothing else.
I am sick of feeling like all my passion goes to hell. I am sick of feeling like I have this love for music that gets thrown out the window cause I SUCK at doing my homework and going to class and studying and taking tests and i'm always nervous cause i always think I am NEVER going to get any better. I can compare myself to people all day long. I can listen to people all day tell me how much they hate my voice or how i need to get better and better and how i am not good enough and if i cant do it now i will never be able to do it. im over it. I can't do it people. The only person that can is the Lord. He gave me this voice and he can take it away in a second. He gave me passion for some damn reason and I am sick of it going to Hell cause i think i have it under control and put it in something or someone who should NOT be having it or experiencing it.
I am sick of feeling dramatic and stupid for being myself. I am sick of dreading walking in the music building and being afraid of singing cause of people. this voice is God's and I don't give a damn anymore what anyone thinks. Im going to practice my ass off cause im sick of feeling like this all the time and breaking down cause im so nervous about messing up. It's His voice and if i don't glorify Him with it starting now He will take it away. I can't do school or relationships or life with out Him. This wall that is in front of me that I can't get past is going to get busted down by Jesus. Im too pissed to let it stand in my way anymore. I've cried too many tears for nothing.
my flesh and my heart and my mind and my body will always fail.
however...
His oath and covenant and blood support me in the whelming flood
when every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay
on Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.
I am SICK of sinking sand.
I love knowing I can't depend on my boyfriend and I'm not being sarcastic. I need Jesus more than anything, and by telling me he needed to hang up the phone cause he was so exhausted he could not listen and needed to sleep or else he would get irritated reminded me i needed to have some serious one on one time with Jesus.
That one on one was a breakdown to the song You Are For Me by Kari Job which gets me EVERY time. I am so insecure. I hate it and I hate saying this but I can't stand my voice half the time and it doesn't help that my challenges every day in the music building trying desperately to get a degree constantly reminds me how good I am at failing. IT turns that passion that could have been a music note into a flood of tears. Lately the Lord has been teaching me a hell of a lot about strongholds, and failure is that stronghold i don't need in my life. It has me enslaved in shackles of lies I can't seem to get free from. Satan has me trapped right now and I just broke down telling the Lord i am sinking in sand and need him to be my solid rock and no one or nothing else.
I am sick of feeling like all my passion goes to hell. I am sick of feeling like I have this love for music that gets thrown out the window cause I SUCK at doing my homework and going to class and studying and taking tests and i'm always nervous cause i always think I am NEVER going to get any better. I can compare myself to people all day long. I can listen to people all day tell me how much they hate my voice or how i need to get better and better and how i am not good enough and if i cant do it now i will never be able to do it. im over it. I can't do it people. The only person that can is the Lord. He gave me this voice and he can take it away in a second. He gave me passion for some damn reason and I am sick of it going to Hell cause i think i have it under control and put it in something or someone who should NOT be having it or experiencing it.
I am sick of feeling dramatic and stupid for being myself. I am sick of dreading walking in the music building and being afraid of singing cause of people. this voice is God's and I don't give a damn anymore what anyone thinks. Im going to practice my ass off cause im sick of feeling like this all the time and breaking down cause im so nervous about messing up. It's His voice and if i don't glorify Him with it starting now He will take it away. I can't do school or relationships or life with out Him. This wall that is in front of me that I can't get past is going to get busted down by Jesus. Im too pissed to let it stand in my way anymore. I've cried too many tears for nothing.
my flesh and my heart and my mind and my body will always fail.
however...
His oath and covenant and blood support me in the whelming flood
when every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay
on Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.
I am SICK of sinking sand.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Unwanted Reprise.
I know what i want in this life. I know what I am called to. And i have no clue when the hell its happening or what the hell is going on. You think you've reached your lowest point...then the Lord brings you out of it teaching you to appreciate brokenness, teaching you that the lowest points are when you are closest. the lowest points are when the most beautiful unexpected things happen, like meeting the one person i never thought i would. thats right, him. I never thought this would ever happen. I kind of felt like i was so unworthy for it to ever happen to me I talked myself out of it and felt like the Lord could use me more without it. I looked at a relationship like a crutch. but its not. its teaching me more about myself than i ever wanted to know. Its teaching more about the beauty of the melody of my life than i ever imagined; like how great being patient was, how God used my singleness and prayer for 1 person only to minister to him and show him God's grace and unconditional Love. yea its great. I can honestly say I am in love. and i have never felt this way and its extremely emotional to be able to say all this passion inside i refused to share is slowly coming out in encouragement, laughter, kisses and prayer for him. but the best part is...nothing has changed. im still my failing ridiculous dramatic super passionate musical self. and i kind of hate it.
i am so freaking tired of random breakdowns. where all i want is the holy spirit to fix my heart already. This chip in the vessel of myself the Lord is molding, has not gone away yet. I still SUCK at school and im getting better musically but im so over feeling like im not good enough like i will never be good enough. i want so badly to be normal haha. i want so badly to do well. to succeed. to compose like brooke frasier slash misty edwards and be at my knees consistently. I get it takes brokenness to get to that place, but do i constantly need to feel like i am spiritually in sack-cloth and ashes? is there something wrong with me? there are some moments i cant speak and hardly breathe. i dont feel right. i dont feel like myself. i try to laugh it off. He tries to kiss it away..comfort it away...pray it away..and nothing works. Where is this solid rock? where is the Lord?
He is no where to be seen. The joys of my life have become stresses. CRU worship team has become a dread in my mind..this is no good. I have not been to Resonate in 3 weeks. and i don't miss it. is my heart moving on? where is the Lord? Because this is the darkest my heart has been in a long time. I feel dramatic and stupid for writing this but i really don't know what else to do. I can't sing without crying. I can't breath without negative thoughts. I don't see the Lord in anything. I dive into his word constantly reading and reading and reading and praying and searching and crying the frick out. and im writing music and im confident musically in myself to a point but something is pulling me back. there is a huge wall..built by satan; a giant pause in my melody. and it hurts.
i am so freaking tired of random breakdowns. where all i want is the holy spirit to fix my heart already. This chip in the vessel of myself the Lord is molding, has not gone away yet. I still SUCK at school and im getting better musically but im so over feeling like im not good enough like i will never be good enough. i want so badly to be normal haha. i want so badly to do well. to succeed. to compose like brooke frasier slash misty edwards and be at my knees consistently. I get it takes brokenness to get to that place, but do i constantly need to feel like i am spiritually in sack-cloth and ashes? is there something wrong with me? there are some moments i cant speak and hardly breathe. i dont feel right. i dont feel like myself. i try to laugh it off. He tries to kiss it away..comfort it away...pray it away..and nothing works. Where is this solid rock? where is the Lord?
He is no where to be seen. The joys of my life have become stresses. CRU worship team has become a dread in my mind..this is no good. I have not been to Resonate in 3 weeks. and i don't miss it. is my heart moving on? where is the Lord? Because this is the darkest my heart has been in a long time. I feel dramatic and stupid for writing this but i really don't know what else to do. I can't sing without crying. I can't breath without negative thoughts. I don't see the Lord in anything. I dive into his word constantly reading and reading and reading and praying and searching and crying the frick out. and im writing music and im confident musically in myself to a point but something is pulling me back. there is a huge wall..built by satan; a giant pause in my melody. and it hurts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
