Seasons

This past school year has moved me in so many ways...mostly because it was a roller coaster of emotion, decision, and change. There are few people in my life that move me. Move me spiritually, emotionally, and physically by changing my actions. Recently I have had what my friend Jocelyn Larsen calls, a “seasonal” friend; One whom God puts in your life for a season and a reason. A seasonal friend that moved my entire being, and has left an handprint on my heart.
I attend a church called Resonate on the WSU campus, one whose motto is “serving God is better in community.” There are very few churches that live up to the motto they put themselves under, and since Resonate never loses their vision through that motto, I attend. Wholeheartedly. Resonate is staffed with a bunch of people from Texas through some ministry connection I can’t remember the name of that is under the huge umbrella of the Southern Baptist Church. This ministry sends us interns, and my seasonal friend came for a school year to intern with the church. She did more than intern however. She defined the word serve. She defined the word love. She defined the word submission. If you know me, you know I like the real truth. When I need to hear something..i like brutal honesty. It’s how my parents have been towards me, and it pushes me to learn and grow. I appreciate learning through that more than anything. I think the brutality side comes from being a musician…that fire inside of you that pushes you brutally to be the best. This seasonal friend, is the only one I have had that has changed that side of me. When I needed love the most, she gave it. When I needed prayer and encouragement or just a favor, she was there. I feel like Jesus sends these people to remind us of how powerful is grace is. How it moves us in so many ways and therefore leads to transformation. Last semester was the worst 4 months of my life. The seasonal friend was there..sent from the Lord to remind me of His love through a time of such brokenness I drowned myself in ministry to feel like the Lord was present so I didn’t have to think about what I actually had to confront in the real world. And that was failure. Failure I put myself through and made for myself because I chose not to glorify the Lord with everything. Did I need to hear I was doing this? No, I already knew I had screwed up. Did I need a reminder on what forgiveness was? What unconditional love was? What Grace was? Hell yes. The Lord sent this seasonal friend to me to show me that. And oddly to also prepare me for a serious relationship. To give me of an example of the pursuit of holiness. It’s a tough thing to see, but that’s only because the beauty of it is so overwhelming. I crave that. And this seasonal friend is gone. Not forever, but from my presence. And it totally sucks. And it makes my heart ache..hurt…you know. I swear I’m not being dramatic. But like I said, I was moved. So thank you Jane Owen. Thank you for leaving the handprint on my heart. For making me want holiness and joy in the Lord more than anything. For showing me what true beauty is. For through comforting me, helping me see brokenness is the best thing for me at times. And through your time of grief, know your Pullman family and all the people you have moved(because I KNOW I am not the ONLY one), will always be here for you. Like you were for us. Thanks for showing us a glimpse of the love of Jesus Christ.

"....And I don't care who knows it!"

This will probably be the most honest I have ever been..so hold on to your hats.
Have you ever been in love?
I'm talking
heart aching
head over heels
barf inducing
one of the first things you think about in the morning is them..
one of the only people who makes you smile when you wanna punch someone....
you can't stand to miss a call or text from them...
you want to buy them things for no apparent reason...
the one person whose laugh and smile makes your heart so happy it feels like it may explode...
all the sudden every chick flick makes u cry and say "its uuuuuuusssss baaahhhhh"
(just kidding..thats just sad.)
all the sudden relationship books seem appealing..
flowers are prettier
coffee tastes better
ice cream is sweeter
The BIBLE makes you want to cry every time you open it
cause you are actually experiencing a love from Jesus Christ
you NEVER thought you would.
the food you eat together sends you to heaven
and you even spend all your money on gas to be with them.
(even when you know your going without food the next day)
and a kiss makes you feel like someone hooked you up to an electric chair
and so much electricity flows from your head to your toes that
your heart just might come right out of your chest
and land in their hand.
and it totally does every time he/she grabs your face and plants one.
cause you are so in love.
This is me.

I know I know, I have talked and talked about relationships not being for me.
and I could talk about what all the wise people in my life have said about my relationships.
But now, I am learning how to apply it.
Because I am so head over heels in love.
How do i know this?
I literally got to the point I was sitting myself down and trying to talk myself out of it
cause it felt so irrational, so unrealistic, so unlike anything else.
um sounds like the Love of Jesus Christ to me.
so irrational He would die on a cross cause of it.
so unrealistic He loves us unconditionally.
its SO unlike anything else.
and it is work.
hard work. money. time. energy.
and its the most fulfilling work i have ever experienced.
i have never strived to be so unconditional all the time with how i treat people.
and i have never in my wildest dreams, thought i would be seeing what I am.
I am reading this book, called Wild at Heart. It is changing how i view God.
and him..aka the boyfriend.
The book recently pointed out to me something quite amazing,
How the characteristics men and women have that are so different.. are all characteristics of the Lord.
being made in "His Image" has a whole new meaning all of the sudden.
All of the sudden it is so totally true..that I can't be connected with him unless I'm connected with the Lord.
how the hell am i supposed to understand men if i don't talk to God about it?
the ultimate pursuer and warrior of our hearts?
All of the sudden when I look at my boyfriend I see characteristics of God i could never posses or fully understand.
Unless i fully rely on the Lord's wisdom to help me respect those characteristics.
I am also learning a whole lot about myself too from that book.
About how the "stupid girl" side of me, is not so stupid.
the part of me that wants to be pursued, that wants to be loved, affirmed, etc.
that's from God. Christ TOTALLY wants to be pursued by us.
But how often do i forget to pursue the Lord, but strive to be pursued by my boyfriend.
all to often.
Some people may think
"what the hell Atalie, you've been dating for 4 months and your thinking like this already? How can you be in love?"
"Do you even KNOW what that means? Are you even thinking about protecting your heart?"
Well, I am what my friend Spencer Sorrell calls, "a rare bird."
When I was in 5th grade, i had my first crush. His name was AJ and all the girls at youth group thought he was SO cute.
I was one of those girls. And since my parents taught my sunday school, they knew I was gaga for him.
It made me so nervous to talk about him that i never did, but if you saw me then, you would be able to tell.
So my parents sat me down, actually my dad sat me down, and talked to me about relationships.
He talked to me about dating, and about what "protecting my heart" was, and about my relationship with God.
He also told me I am the most passionate person he knows, and he thought i should be careful.
He said it was great cause Christ is so passionate and has such a "give it all away" attitude with his love.
He also said he knew for a fact I am that way, and that i need to be really careful about who i give my heart to, and
how many times i give it away.
My parents never gave me "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" like the rest of my youth groups parents,
they basically told me
"Your smart. Your good with relationships. and you love Jesus. If you choose to date, make sure he is too.
Don't be stupid. WE would like you to wait to date till your older, but it's up to you and the Lord."
So I decided not to date. But I did decide to pray my face off. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart so that it's only His.
and to help me share it with just one other person...not 3 or 5. But one. Yep I have been praying to only date one person,
since i was in 5th grade. Sounds COMPLETELY unrealistic and totally nothing like anyone who lives in this day and age.
But I waited till i was 22 to kiss someone, hold hands with someone, and say I love You and mean it.
And boy do I mean it. It's worth it and i KNOW this relationship is going to be an amazing life changing one.
I just have to stop hating working so much. The lazy side of me doesn't want to be unconditional.
It wants to be selfish. And its so hard to get past my selfish desires and pursue selfless love.
And if my heart gets broken it gets broken. And since the Lord handed this relationship to me and it had NOTHING to do with me or how I felt at the time (since i was the most spiritually broken i have EVER been when I met him), I know the Lord would heal and restore my heart and it would still be okay cause i would Still follow after Him.
Loving this man is changing how I love the Lord in so many ways. its changing how I view the Lord's love for me.
Its changing everything.
and even though its difficult sometimes...its worth it.
I love you Gus Simpson. I won't give up on this.

It's amazing how God NEVER ceases to suprise me.
Here I am...super stressed about school...super anxious and worried...
NOT wanting to do ANYTHING with people...just study.
I have also been dealing with so much fear.
If you don't already know, i am in an amazing relationship.
It's so amazing and such a blessing it scares me sometimes.
I feel like i either don't deserve him or I am just not mature enough to handle it.
Both are bullshit but honestly..its hard to think otherwise when God so randomly blesses you with such an amazing person.
I have been feeling the spiritual stronghold of failure seep into my relationship.
it's been freaking me out.
I dont know what happened but i had NO confidence in God what so ever.
I had no confidence in His plan, or the love He has given me.
Esp. the Love He has given me through my boyfriend.
i had NO idea.
I was so spiritually dry and exhausted.
Exhausted from crying, worrying, and failing.
And GOd just spoke to me.
I sat in a group of people friday night and we talked about where we were at.
we were all so honest.
CRU has never felt so raw...its been so shallow to me for so long..so gospel only oriented.
till now.
i planned to do hw. brought tons of it.
instead i got massive allergies and ended up taking so much medicine i passed out saturday afternoon.
literally.
never passed out before hahaha. layed on my bed. and died.
it was not what i planned. but i needed it.
then i woke up. and had great God time.
i prayed for the man i love.
i prayed and prayed.
I prayed for strength in my weakness.
and i was open. and vulnerable. and myself. around people i dont hang with much.
i was so thankful i had that community through my college years.
so thankful for them always being there.
so thankful they kept pushing me despite how drained they were.
it was such a blessing.
one i took for granted. most of this semester.
i got to be open and honest with God.
my view of my future changed.
Sure i don't know what the hell is going to happen with my life.
But God's plan will ALWAYS be Glorifying Him. No matter WHAT.
it will also, be the best plan for me. even if it has weird changes.
I am so thankful for a love based on the rock of Christ.
I am so thankful for a community that keeps me on that rock.
i am so thankful for parents who helped put me on that rock.
what an amazing weekend.

repeating chorus.

I have been learning a ton about relationships.
from how to be nice when i don't feel like it
to communicating long distance.
Its been super difficult.
but probably the most rewarding and fulfilling way of learning,
God has EVER blessed me with.
I have been so blessed by so many people that take the time to love me
and give me a wide range of advise.
From my mom to my friend Josh..
it just keeps coming and coming
and i love praying about it and thinking about it..
and applying most of it.
i love reading the Bible.
I love my friends.
and i am totally in love with my boyfriend and i refuse to be ashamed.


I have been learning a lot about myself as a musician.
I have been learning that I really do love practicing.
Esp. when it gets me somewhere.
I love it more than geology thats for SURE.
Yesterday was the first time i actually sang like i wanted to.
Like I practiced.
And I was singing my "dream song" at the same time.
I also am stoked to be singing harmony with 2 of my most talented friends.
Might even break out a bit of violin.
I am so stoked to see where all of this takes me.

I think its interesting when we are trying to get through the trials in our lives...
and we work and work and we are totally drained and don't know if we are going to make it
and God is all the sudden like:
"Hey you. Look around. Everything your doing applies to your relationship with me.
Everything your doing applies to what I have called you to do.
Every relationship you have requires as much work as your music.
It takes time..but in the end every difficult thing you learned
turns into something beautiful. Something creative.
Something different..something that glorifies me.
So shut up, quit complaining, quit worrying about it, and get to work."

In a Sweater Poorly Knit

The Lord always makes me apply what he teaches.
Whenever keith/josh/amy/patrick dodson talk about something ....it comes up in my life.
I get to experience it, and apply what im being taught.
like the opportunity to forgive and forget and move forward.
the opportunity to love without expectation.
The opportunity to treat others like God treats us.
instead of doing unto others as they deserve.

so while applying this to my life with a dear friend of mine
[that i honestly didnt think i would be able to call "dear friend" and mean it ever again]

...he tells me of a band,
that turned out to be a mirror image of how i feel most of the time.
i have been attempting to reach out to my boyfriend in a new way.
he listens to a TON of music that he cant stand
that i love because i love it.
so i figured i would try to adapt my ear to his tastes.
because i love him,
i already have somewhat an ear for the hard core/screamo genre,
[thanks to my best friend in HS being in MANY metal bands/working at BLBC]
but it wears me out quickly.
so i am trying to build endurance.
anyways...
this band is totally different from anything i have ever really listened to.
they have awesome instrumentalists who play awesome melodies and harmonies
but the lead singer has a horrible voice.
in fact.
he yells their lyrics outloud
with music in a background
practically ruining the music.
not really a screamo band
but a "hard core" one none the less.
one i relate to.
the lead singer may be obnoxious vocally
but
the lyrics are the most passionate i have heard in a while
and come from the soul.
in fact
they remind me of psalms.
they contain verses a musician only dreams of writing
with a creativity people will do anything to have.
I love how when i first started listening i judged.
then a friend told me to listen closer..
and i heard passion, love, truth, and honesty.
the voice wasn't pretty.
but the words it yelled/spoke
were perfect.
it reminded me that
maybe when we feel like just an annoying yelling voice with
awesome background music that is getting ruined by us
we aren't looking at life the way we should.
maybe we don't have the confidence in the Lord we thought we did..
or maybe our identity really isn't in Christ.
maybe we should stop being so concerned with how we sound
but what we are actually saying.
just a thought.


"you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!

I do not exist only you exist"

~mewithoutyou~

Crescendo

God is amazing...He has a watch and a plan.
And HE blessed me with a dear dear wise beautiful Godly friend/mentor
whom i am going through a study with
that is perfect for where I am at in life.
Its called Living Free and its by Beth Moore.
and this is a little something she wrote that is kind of changing my life.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny..
because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment..
because you "deserve better than this"
I cheat you of knowledge... because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing... because you're too full of me to forgive.
I cheat of you holiness..
because you refuse to admit you're wrong.
I cheat you of vision..
because you'd rather look in the mirror than out the window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship..
because no one knows the real you.
I cheat you of love..
because REAL romance DEMANDS sacrifice.
I cheat of you greatness in heaven
because I convince you to see your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.
Untrue.
I'm looking to make a fool of you.
GOd has so much for you I admit, but don't worry..
if you stick with me,
You'll never know.
~Beth Moore~

Now I Sing Freedom For All Of My Days

So this Easter was a bit different than the past.
Last year i was hard core into Easter.
I honestly did not really read my lent book alot
I didn't really give up anything..I tried but then felt stupid for it
cause i felt like i set myself up for failure.
I fasted but had a string cheese in the middle of the day Saturday.
I also was kinda iffy about the whole Easter service, because it was not as big of a deal to me I guess.
I don't know why.
Well, that all changed friday night.
knew the service would not be as sorrowful or scarring as last years..
but it was honestly the most intense time of worship and communion I have ever had.
It really brought to the surface a lot of the reasons why I felt the lacking of so much passion.
This entire weekend, I spent really going over this semester in my head.
it FLEW by as did the opportunity I had to make it TOTALLY different from the last.
I have full confidence my grades will be better and I won't fail.
But, I could have should have would have if have's wouldn't leave my mind.
Friday night I could barely sleep because
all those fill in the blank questions would not leave my head.
Lately I have had serious anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares.
Satan has a serious stronghold in my life that is wearing me down.
He tries his hardest to convince me DAILY that everything i do is pointless.
Every single relationship/friendship, every thing on my to-do list,
every musical note that comes out of my heart, mouth and body,
every word i say, action i put forth, step i take,
will ultimately lead to failure and its pointless to even try.
So this semester i have struggled, dragging my feet to put forth effort to TRY.
it hurts. every part of it hurts me. I get physically ill.
i know i know i sound SO dramatic.
well Satan is good at lying to girls with their emotions slash using emotions to lie to us.
He does that a lot to me.

Lately though, i have been seriously convicted by the strong hold of failure.
The shackles it holds me in are breaking and I can feel it.
I feel my passion for music slowly stirring inside me while
passions for other things are slowly fading.
I'm starting to view a big picture.
First I learned this through experiencing what it looks like to NOT let God's big picture affect your life.
It leads to brokenness and a feeling of failure and despair.
But praise God he rescues us from that..and blesses us with relationships that show us
how working hard and glorifying Him in EVERY aspect of our life pays off.
He also showed me that His picture is NOT mine in ANY way.
ESP. when i am NOT in the word, when i am NOT using my time, money, thoughts, and actions to Glorify Him.
and then of course, he showed me through my pastor Keith at Resonate.

The Holy Spirit is a POWERFUL being. and Lately, He has been working in AMAZING ways in my life
through my church.
Not ONLY has the Lord called me to use the spiritual gifts that He grew in me through CRU
next year on Resonate VSTAFF
but he ALSO
used the Metanarrative Sermon series to CHANGE.MY.LIFE.

So last night I could NOT sleep. Those fill in the blank questions were HAUNTING me something fierce.
I was super afraid about classes and school and decided to read the psalms.
I read through psalm 18-40, read 1 and 2 Corinthians, and did Laundry till about 330 am.
So Keith was talking today about the big picture and how even though all the little stories in
the story of the crucifixion made it all seem so chaotic and awful
God had a BIGGER plan that GLorified Him and His power.
He also read Psalm 22 and talked about how David prophesied this big plan
of the crucifixion
before crucifying people was even invented as a punishment for crime.
how amazing is that.
that in my anxiety i read through a psalm that showed a bigger picture.
a picture i way to often DONT look at or pay attention too.
even if its starring me in the face.
So often in this life all i can see is where I am at.
But there is something God is doing with my life
with the good and the bad and the successful parts and not so successful parts.
in Rob Bells book Droplets Like Stars
He talks about how is counselor has a sign that he pulls out every time Rob says words like
failure, waste and loss.
It says :

אלוהים זה לא בזבוז

The God That Does Not Waste.

what an amazing truth. God uses EVERYTHING to Glorify Him and show His bigger picture of salvation.
Now i can sing freedom for ALL of my days
because its ONLY by the power of the Cross I am saved.