It's amazing how God NEVER ceases to suprise me.
Here I am...super stressed about school...super anxious and worried...
NOT wanting to do ANYTHING with people...just study.
I have also been dealing with so much fear.
If you don't already know, i am in an amazing relationship.
It's so amazing and such a blessing it scares me sometimes.
I feel like i either don't deserve him or I am just not mature enough to handle it.
Both are bullshit but honestly..its hard to think otherwise when God so randomly blesses you with such an amazing person.
I have been feeling the spiritual stronghold of failure seep into my relationship.
it's been freaking me out.
I dont know what happened but i had NO confidence in God what so ever.
I had no confidence in His plan, or the love He has given me.
Esp. the Love He has given me through my boyfriend.
i had NO idea.
I was so spiritually dry and exhausted.
Exhausted from crying, worrying, and failing.
And GOd just spoke to me.
I sat in a group of people friday night and we talked about where we were at.
we were all so honest.
CRU has never felt so raw...its been so shallow to me for so long..so gospel only oriented.
till now.
i planned to do hw. brought tons of it.
instead i got massive allergies and ended up taking so much medicine i passed out saturday afternoon.
literally.
never passed out before hahaha. layed on my bed. and died.
it was not what i planned. but i needed it.
then i woke up. and had great God time.
i prayed for the man i love.
i prayed and prayed.
I prayed for strength in my weakness.
and i was open. and vulnerable. and myself. around people i dont hang with much.
i was so thankful i had that community through my college years.
so thankful for them always being there.
so thankful they kept pushing me despite how drained they were.
it was such a blessing.
one i took for granted. most of this semester.
i got to be open and honest with God.
my view of my future changed.
Sure i don't know what the hell is going to happen with my life.
But God's plan will ALWAYS be Glorifying Him. No matter WHAT.
it will also, be the best plan for me. even if it has weird changes.
I am so thankful for a love based on the rock of Christ.
I am so thankful for a community that keeps me on that rock.
i am so thankful for parents who helped put me on that rock.
what an amazing weekend.

repeating chorus.

I have been learning a ton about relationships.
from how to be nice when i don't feel like it
to communicating long distance.
Its been super difficult.
but probably the most rewarding and fulfilling way of learning,
God has EVER blessed me with.
I have been so blessed by so many people that take the time to love me
and give me a wide range of advise.
From my mom to my friend Josh..
it just keeps coming and coming
and i love praying about it and thinking about it..
and applying most of it.
i love reading the Bible.
I love my friends.
and i am totally in love with my boyfriend and i refuse to be ashamed.


I have been learning a lot about myself as a musician.
I have been learning that I really do love practicing.
Esp. when it gets me somewhere.
I love it more than geology thats for SURE.
Yesterday was the first time i actually sang like i wanted to.
Like I practiced.
And I was singing my "dream song" at the same time.
I also am stoked to be singing harmony with 2 of my most talented friends.
Might even break out a bit of violin.
I am so stoked to see where all of this takes me.

I think its interesting when we are trying to get through the trials in our lives...
and we work and work and we are totally drained and don't know if we are going to make it
and God is all the sudden like:
"Hey you. Look around. Everything your doing applies to your relationship with me.
Everything your doing applies to what I have called you to do.
Every relationship you have requires as much work as your music.
It takes time..but in the end every difficult thing you learned
turns into something beautiful. Something creative.
Something different..something that glorifies me.
So shut up, quit complaining, quit worrying about it, and get to work."

In a Sweater Poorly Knit

The Lord always makes me apply what he teaches.
Whenever keith/josh/amy/patrick dodson talk about something ....it comes up in my life.
I get to experience it, and apply what im being taught.
like the opportunity to forgive and forget and move forward.
the opportunity to love without expectation.
The opportunity to treat others like God treats us.
instead of doing unto others as they deserve.

so while applying this to my life with a dear friend of mine
[that i honestly didnt think i would be able to call "dear friend" and mean it ever again]

...he tells me of a band,
that turned out to be a mirror image of how i feel most of the time.
i have been attempting to reach out to my boyfriend in a new way.
he listens to a TON of music that he cant stand
that i love because i love it.
so i figured i would try to adapt my ear to his tastes.
because i love him,
i already have somewhat an ear for the hard core/screamo genre,
[thanks to my best friend in HS being in MANY metal bands/working at BLBC]
but it wears me out quickly.
so i am trying to build endurance.
anyways...
this band is totally different from anything i have ever really listened to.
they have awesome instrumentalists who play awesome melodies and harmonies
but the lead singer has a horrible voice.
in fact.
he yells their lyrics outloud
with music in a background
practically ruining the music.
not really a screamo band
but a "hard core" one none the less.
one i relate to.
the lead singer may be obnoxious vocally
but
the lyrics are the most passionate i have heard in a while
and come from the soul.
in fact
they remind me of psalms.
they contain verses a musician only dreams of writing
with a creativity people will do anything to have.
I love how when i first started listening i judged.
then a friend told me to listen closer..
and i heard passion, love, truth, and honesty.
the voice wasn't pretty.
but the words it yelled/spoke
were perfect.
it reminded me that
maybe when we feel like just an annoying yelling voice with
awesome background music that is getting ruined by us
we aren't looking at life the way we should.
maybe we don't have the confidence in the Lord we thought we did..
or maybe our identity really isn't in Christ.
maybe we should stop being so concerned with how we sound
but what we are actually saying.
just a thought.


"you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!

I do not exist only you exist"

~mewithoutyou~

Crescendo

God is amazing...He has a watch and a plan.
And HE blessed me with a dear dear wise beautiful Godly friend/mentor
whom i am going through a study with
that is perfect for where I am at in life.
Its called Living Free and its by Beth Moore.
and this is a little something she wrote that is kind of changing my life.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny..
because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment..
because you "deserve better than this"
I cheat you of knowledge... because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing... because you're too full of me to forgive.
I cheat of you holiness..
because you refuse to admit you're wrong.
I cheat you of vision..
because you'd rather look in the mirror than out the window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship..
because no one knows the real you.
I cheat you of love..
because REAL romance DEMANDS sacrifice.
I cheat of you greatness in heaven
because I convince you to see your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.
Untrue.
I'm looking to make a fool of you.
GOd has so much for you I admit, but don't worry..
if you stick with me,
You'll never know.
~Beth Moore~

Now I Sing Freedom For All Of My Days

So this Easter was a bit different than the past.
Last year i was hard core into Easter.
I honestly did not really read my lent book alot
I didn't really give up anything..I tried but then felt stupid for it
cause i felt like i set myself up for failure.
I fasted but had a string cheese in the middle of the day Saturday.
I also was kinda iffy about the whole Easter service, because it was not as big of a deal to me I guess.
I don't know why.
Well, that all changed friday night.
knew the service would not be as sorrowful or scarring as last years..
but it was honestly the most intense time of worship and communion I have ever had.
It really brought to the surface a lot of the reasons why I felt the lacking of so much passion.
This entire weekend, I spent really going over this semester in my head.
it FLEW by as did the opportunity I had to make it TOTALLY different from the last.
I have full confidence my grades will be better and I won't fail.
But, I could have should have would have if have's wouldn't leave my mind.
Friday night I could barely sleep because
all those fill in the blank questions would not leave my head.
Lately I have had serious anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares.
Satan has a serious stronghold in my life that is wearing me down.
He tries his hardest to convince me DAILY that everything i do is pointless.
Every single relationship/friendship, every thing on my to-do list,
every musical note that comes out of my heart, mouth and body,
every word i say, action i put forth, step i take,
will ultimately lead to failure and its pointless to even try.
So this semester i have struggled, dragging my feet to put forth effort to TRY.
it hurts. every part of it hurts me. I get physically ill.
i know i know i sound SO dramatic.
well Satan is good at lying to girls with their emotions slash using emotions to lie to us.
He does that a lot to me.

Lately though, i have been seriously convicted by the strong hold of failure.
The shackles it holds me in are breaking and I can feel it.
I feel my passion for music slowly stirring inside me while
passions for other things are slowly fading.
I'm starting to view a big picture.
First I learned this through experiencing what it looks like to NOT let God's big picture affect your life.
It leads to brokenness and a feeling of failure and despair.
But praise God he rescues us from that..and blesses us with relationships that show us
how working hard and glorifying Him in EVERY aspect of our life pays off.
He also showed me that His picture is NOT mine in ANY way.
ESP. when i am NOT in the word, when i am NOT using my time, money, thoughts, and actions to Glorify Him.
and then of course, he showed me through my pastor Keith at Resonate.

The Holy Spirit is a POWERFUL being. and Lately, He has been working in AMAZING ways in my life
through my church.
Not ONLY has the Lord called me to use the spiritual gifts that He grew in me through CRU
next year on Resonate VSTAFF
but he ALSO
used the Metanarrative Sermon series to CHANGE.MY.LIFE.

So last night I could NOT sleep. Those fill in the blank questions were HAUNTING me something fierce.
I was super afraid about classes and school and decided to read the psalms.
I read through psalm 18-40, read 1 and 2 Corinthians, and did Laundry till about 330 am.
So Keith was talking today about the big picture and how even though all the little stories in
the story of the crucifixion made it all seem so chaotic and awful
God had a BIGGER plan that GLorified Him and His power.
He also read Psalm 22 and talked about how David prophesied this big plan
of the crucifixion
before crucifying people was even invented as a punishment for crime.
how amazing is that.
that in my anxiety i read through a psalm that showed a bigger picture.
a picture i way to often DONT look at or pay attention too.
even if its starring me in the face.
So often in this life all i can see is where I am at.
But there is something God is doing with my life
with the good and the bad and the successful parts and not so successful parts.
in Rob Bells book Droplets Like Stars
He talks about how is counselor has a sign that he pulls out every time Rob says words like
failure, waste and loss.
It says :

אלוהים זה לא בזבוז

The God That Does Not Waste.

what an amazing truth. God uses EVERYTHING to Glorify Him and show His bigger picture of salvation.
Now i can sing freedom for ALL of my days
because its ONLY by the power of the Cross I am saved.

Looking for music in a music box

I have a very dear friend named Jane.
she is an encourager, a lover, and a Grace giver.
She has the type of gentle tender hearted loving spirit I aspire to have.
Unfortunately i am too loud and crazy and outgoing to have this many days
but i still try.
Last semester while i was backed into a dark corner by Satan
my dear friend Jane told me about a CD that helped heal her heart many a time.
I immediatly said whatever but then she had me listen to a song called
From This One Place by Sara Groves.
The CD is her best work
she wrote it 2 years ago
she is in her 40's and has been making music for a lONG time.
knowing that her best CD was composed during her 40's made me feel better already.
and listening to this song made me realize that this CD is not a cheesy christian CD
like i thought it would be.
I have been thinking about what to blog and how to write out how i feel about my life right now.
this song explains it perfectly.
so thanks sara groves for reading my mind 2 years early and putting a melody to it.


From This One Place

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

the solid rock.

I search and search.
to only find what was starring me right in the face.
I don't care if people think I am moving to fast
God has a watch He knows what time it is.
I control my actions and thoughts and feelings to an extent
but he has a hold on my heart and soul and controls and consumes me
as a result of the Holy Spirit in me.
I refuse to not change my actions.
I refuse to settle for anything less than the Lords plan.
So these are the scriptures the Lord revealed to me.
i am going to memorize them to remind me
no one has a hold on me but the Lord.

"Just because doing something is technically legal, doesn't mean it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims." 1 Corinthians 8:12.

"The Weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself u against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. " 2 Cor 10:4-5

"Fight the Good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12

"As for God his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. HE is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. HE trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:30-36

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mudand mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their Trust in God."
Psalm 40:2-3

"Yet I am always with you. You hold me by your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into Glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And this earth has NOTHING i desire besides you.
MY flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26