A little bit of my story:
I had a fabulous childhood. Probably one of the best a kid could ever ask for. My parents both did not have a great childhood, my mom especially. So when they got married and decided to have kids, they promised each other they would do nothing but pour out love on their children. My little brother and I were home-schooled till high school. We also went to the same church, Calvary Chapel of Olympia, till we graduated high school. I had every opportunity I could have ever dreamed of growing up. I did absolutely everything a little girl could want to do; from going to disneyland to horseback riding, to getting an American Girl Doll for Christmas and learning how to surf. I did everything...except get involved with Young Life. I guess it was because i went to a Christian high-school, or it might have been because my youth group was so amazing. I just never really got invovled..it was only at the public high-schools. My parents wouldn't let me go to young life camp because they said I didn't need to, so i never went.
Till this past week.
I'm not even in high-school, and I am pretty sure I love it just as much as all of them do.
I came to visit my boyfriend, he was generous enough to bring me. I have loved being here and being around him. We have been dating for 6 months now. Well, on Sunday we will have been. Seeing him use his talents to serve the Lord in a way that ministers to the hearts of the kids is so wonderful and I'm so blessed to have been here to encourage him. kind of crazy how God works. All of his co-workers have been asking me about our(Gus and I's) story, and every time I tell it, it amazes me where I was spiritually and emotionally, in December/January. I was ready to be a missionary, spend the rest of my life paying off school debt, while traveling the world playing music and hanging out with beautiful babies in different third world countries...maybe i would have dreads and maybe i would have been chillin' with my bestie Jessica Mcfaul on the beach in South America. Or maybe I would be in a band, like Hillsong. What never crossed my mind, however, was the thought of being in love. The idea of visiting my boyfriend whom i am in love with at Crooked Creek Ranch Young Life Camp, and hanging out with 400 high schoolers all week, would not have seemed appealing to me at the time. Now, however, I have officially feel in love with not only my boyfriend, but Young Life. I have met some amazing people, seen some amazing things, and experienced some awesome times with Gus.
The person that stood out to me the most I have met, is a guy named Zach. He has worked here a few times over the years, and everyone in the intern house and on staff loves the guy. He has a mental disability, but he does not let it affect the way he lives, or what he wants to do. While Gus was telling me a little bit about him, he told me Zach was writing a book. The next day I got the chance to ask Zach what his book was about. He told me a few summers ago he planned a 3 month, 18 state road trip to reunite with friends and family. The day before he left, he met a girl at a coffee shop, and 2 days later, they were talking about Jesus over breakfast. He said he then realized that if he was intentional with people and with being in relationships with people, a complete stranger would turn into a friend. I was amazed. Not only had this guy completely immersed his life in the healing power of Jesus Christ and conquered his disability, but also made an effort a lot of us don't make that God has called us to. As I sat in amazement listening to him, he told me his book is nothing but conversations with people he had on his road trip. I was pretty impressed, and told him I can't wait to read his book when it gets published.
Another group of people I got introduced to in a new way, were high-schoolers. I guess I built up a sort of resentment towards high schoolers, because my years of being in jr. high/high school were not always awesome..and i was FAR from being an awesome kid. I was mean to my friends and tried to immerse myself in youth group so I could mask my bad behavior. And this generation of high-schoolers don't have an awesome rep..similar to me ha. My heart softened though, as the week went on. Every activity these kids did was intentional to bring them and their group closer to their leaders and closer to the Lord. As the week went on, and the talks at Club got more and more intentional and intense, I started to realize that this is a lot like Campus Crusade for Christ, but for high schoolers. And these kids need Jesus just as much as I do. As much as the people at WSU need Him. For me to judge them or not be around them is ridiculous. Pretty soon they will end up like me and my friends, struggling to have a great community and walk with Christ out in this crazy world of ours...and Young LIfe introduces them to a walk with Christ and a better lifestyle. I loved everything about this camp and about this week. The thing that stood out to me the most was a time called real life, where a few of the leaders on Program, staff, and the worship leader of the week shared how they came to Christ through Young Life and how their lives have been touched by Jesus. THen after they finished (they split it up into 3 days), they brought out a lot of the leaders with cardboard signs, and one side had a sentence that described their life before jesus, then on the other side a sentence describing their current life. It was incredibly powerful. The one that stood out to me the most was:
"Religion left me feeling trapped"
"Relationship with Christ set me Free."
I know right? pretty amazing.
So over all...this week has been pretty amazing. Even though I had a rough day yesterday just because Gus and I were so tired, today is a new day and sadly it's my last. I hope to return ... maybe next summer...maybe work here? thinking that might be an amazing experience.
Anyways...long story short..young life is awesome. and i am sad i didn't fully get to embrace/understand/love it till now.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
pivot chords
A lot of things have been flowing my way at one time recently.
All of them because I chose to live a lifestyle where God is the one who directs my path. Lately, I have developed an idol called Security. This idol is a bitch. If i don't have some sort of security..whether it be financial, educational, or investment in my future, I flip. And it all came from the great habit of making future plans. Future Plans I decided that I wanted to happen, without really praying about it..just deciding that's the way it's going to be. Luckly I have an amazing mentor, who gives me amazing workbooks, that somehow are alive. I swear, this beth moore workbook i am going through, has been unfolding questions and topics that have to do exactly with what I am going through. Whether it be doubt, uncertainty, fear, pride, selfishness, etc. I have learned SO much in SO little time I just can't blog about it as much as I would like to. So this is a collaboration of the thoughts, quotes, and scriptures that are/ have been helping me get rid of the idol of security, the fear of uncertainty in my own life on earth, and the box i put God in.
" No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God First."~ Oswald Chambers
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." ~ Psalm 143:8
"The Key to Peace is authority. Peace is the fruit of an obedient, righteous life." ~ Beth Moore.
"You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on yoru pleasures." ~ James 4:2-3
"Discipline - somehow at times of great temptation and weakness,discipline flies like a bird out the window.
Lessons from The Past - We don't think straight when we get a surprise hard core attack.
What is Best For Us- our humannature is much too slef-destructive to automatically choose what is best in our weakest moments."
~ Beth Moore.
"It is God's will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid secual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionat lust like the heathen who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or should take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit."
~ 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
"If Any of you Lacks wisdom he should seek God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from hte Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does." ~ James 1:5-8
"Some of you say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to some city. We will stay there a year do business and make money. But you do not know what will happen tomorrow! Your life is like a mist. yu can see it for a short time, then it goes away. so you should say, 'if the Lord wants we will live and do this or that." ~ James 4:13-15
"Humility is not something we have till humbling ourselves is something we do." ~ Beth Moore.
"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him. He cannot save himself or say, 'is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"
~Isa. 44:20
"When we are not satisfied in Christ, we develop 2 things; a negative focus that leads to self righteousness and blindness, and a satisfaction vacuum that pulls us toward false solutions." ~ Beth Moore.
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God as called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if at some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." ~ Phillippians 3:13-16
All of them because I chose to live a lifestyle where God is the one who directs my path. Lately, I have developed an idol called Security. This idol is a bitch. If i don't have some sort of security..whether it be financial, educational, or investment in my future, I flip. And it all came from the great habit of making future plans. Future Plans I decided that I wanted to happen, without really praying about it..just deciding that's the way it's going to be. Luckly I have an amazing mentor, who gives me amazing workbooks, that somehow are alive. I swear, this beth moore workbook i am going through, has been unfolding questions and topics that have to do exactly with what I am going through. Whether it be doubt, uncertainty, fear, pride, selfishness, etc. I have learned SO much in SO little time I just can't blog about it as much as I would like to. So this is a collaboration of the thoughts, quotes, and scriptures that are/ have been helping me get rid of the idol of security, the fear of uncertainty in my own life on earth, and the box i put God in.
" No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God First."~ Oswald Chambers
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." ~ Psalm 143:8
"The Key to Peace is authority. Peace is the fruit of an obedient, righteous life." ~ Beth Moore.
"You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on yoru pleasures." ~ James 4:2-3
"Discipline - somehow at times of great temptation and weakness,discipline flies like a bird out the window.
Lessons from The Past - We don't think straight when we get a surprise hard core attack.
What is Best For Us- our humannature is much too slef-destructive to automatically choose what is best in our weakest moments."
~ Beth Moore.
"It is God's will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid secual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionat lust like the heathen who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or should take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit."
~ 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
"If Any of you Lacks wisdom he should seek God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from hte Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does." ~ James 1:5-8
"Some of you say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to some city. We will stay there a year do business and make money. But you do not know what will happen tomorrow! Your life is like a mist. yu can see it for a short time, then it goes away. so you should say, 'if the Lord wants we will live and do this or that." ~ James 4:13-15
"Humility is not something we have till humbling ourselves is something we do." ~ Beth Moore.
"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him. He cannot save himself or say, 'is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"
~Isa. 44:20
"When we are not satisfied in Christ, we develop 2 things; a negative focus that leads to self righteousness and blindness, and a satisfaction vacuum that pulls us toward false solutions." ~ Beth Moore.
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God as called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if at some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." ~ Phillippians 3:13-16
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Seasons
This past school year has moved me in so many ways...mostly because it was a roller coaster of emotion, decision, and change. There are few people in my life that move me. Move me spiritually, emotionally, and physically by changing my actions. Recently I have had what my friend Jocelyn Larsen calls, a “seasonal” friend; One whom God puts in your life for a season and a reason. A seasonal friend that moved my entire being, and has left an handprint on my heart.
I attend a church called Resonate on the WSU campus, one whose motto is “serving God is better in community.” There are very few churches that live up to the motto they put themselves under, and since Resonate never loses their vision through that motto, I attend. Wholeheartedly. Resonate is staffed with a bunch of people from Texas through some ministry connection I can’t remember the name of that is under the huge umbrella of the Southern Baptist Church. This ministry sends us interns, and my seasonal friend came for a school year to intern with the church. She did more than intern however. She defined the word serve. She defined the word love. She defined the word submission. If you know me, you know I like the real truth. When I need to hear something..i like brutal honesty. It’s how my parents have been towards me, and it pushes me to learn and grow. I appreciate learning through that more than anything. I think the brutality side comes from being a musician…that fire inside of you that pushes you brutally to be the best. This seasonal friend, is the only one I have had that has changed that side of me. When I needed love the most, she gave it. When I needed prayer and encouragement or just a favor, she was there. I feel like Jesus sends these people to remind us of how powerful is grace is. How it moves us in so many ways and therefore leads to transformation. Last semester was the worst 4 months of my life. The seasonal friend was there..sent from the Lord to remind me of His love through a time of such brokenness I drowned myself in ministry to feel like the Lord was present so I didn’t have to think about what I actually had to confront in the real world. And that was failure. Failure I put myself through and made for myself because I chose not to glorify the Lord with everything. Did I need to hear I was doing this? No, I already knew I had screwed up. Did I need a reminder on what forgiveness was? What unconditional love was? What Grace was? Hell yes. The Lord sent this seasonal friend to me to show me that. And oddly to also prepare me for a serious relationship. To give me of an example of the pursuit of holiness. It’s a tough thing to see, but that’s only because the beauty of it is so overwhelming. I crave that. And this seasonal friend is gone. Not forever, but from my presence. And it totally sucks. And it makes my heart ache..hurt…you know. I swear I’m not being dramatic. But like I said, I was moved. So thank you Jane Owen. Thank you for leaving the handprint on my heart. For making me want holiness and joy in the Lord more than anything. For showing me what true beauty is. For through comforting me, helping me see brokenness is the best thing for me at times. And through your time of grief, know your Pullman family and all the people you have moved(because I KNOW I am not the ONLY one), will always be here for you. Like you were for us. Thanks for showing us a glimpse of the love of Jesus Christ.
I attend a church called Resonate on the WSU campus, one whose motto is “serving God is better in community.” There are very few churches that live up to the motto they put themselves under, and since Resonate never loses their vision through that motto, I attend. Wholeheartedly. Resonate is staffed with a bunch of people from Texas through some ministry connection I can’t remember the name of that is under the huge umbrella of the Southern Baptist Church. This ministry sends us interns, and my seasonal friend came for a school year to intern with the church. She did more than intern however. She defined the word serve. She defined the word love. She defined the word submission. If you know me, you know I like the real truth. When I need to hear something..i like brutal honesty. It’s how my parents have been towards me, and it pushes me to learn and grow. I appreciate learning through that more than anything. I think the brutality side comes from being a musician…that fire inside of you that pushes you brutally to be the best. This seasonal friend, is the only one I have had that has changed that side of me. When I needed love the most, she gave it. When I needed prayer and encouragement or just a favor, she was there. I feel like Jesus sends these people to remind us of how powerful is grace is. How it moves us in so many ways and therefore leads to transformation. Last semester was the worst 4 months of my life. The seasonal friend was there..sent from the Lord to remind me of His love through a time of such brokenness I drowned myself in ministry to feel like the Lord was present so I didn’t have to think about what I actually had to confront in the real world. And that was failure. Failure I put myself through and made for myself because I chose not to glorify the Lord with everything. Did I need to hear I was doing this? No, I already knew I had screwed up. Did I need a reminder on what forgiveness was? What unconditional love was? What Grace was? Hell yes. The Lord sent this seasonal friend to me to show me that. And oddly to also prepare me for a serious relationship. To give me of an example of the pursuit of holiness. It’s a tough thing to see, but that’s only because the beauty of it is so overwhelming. I crave that. And this seasonal friend is gone. Not forever, but from my presence. And it totally sucks. And it makes my heart ache..hurt…you know. I swear I’m not being dramatic. But like I said, I was moved. So thank you Jane Owen. Thank you for leaving the handprint on my heart. For making me want holiness and joy in the Lord more than anything. For showing me what true beauty is. For through comforting me, helping me see brokenness is the best thing for me at times. And through your time of grief, know your Pullman family and all the people you have moved(because I KNOW I am not the ONLY one), will always be here for you. Like you were for us. Thanks for showing us a glimpse of the love of Jesus Christ.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
"....And I don't care who knows it!"
This will probably be the most honest I have ever been..so hold on to your hats.
Have you ever been in love?
I'm talking
heart aching
head over heels
barf inducing
one of the first things you think about in the morning is them..
one of the only people who makes you smile when you wanna punch someone....
you can't stand to miss a call or text from them...
you want to buy them things for no apparent reason...
the one person whose laugh and smile makes your heart so happy it feels like it may explode...
all the sudden every chick flick makes u cry and say "its uuuuuuusssss baaahhhhh"
(just kidding..thats just sad.)
all the sudden relationship books seem appealing..
flowers are prettier
coffee tastes better
ice cream is sweeter
The BIBLE makes you want to cry every time you open it
cause you are actually experiencing a love from Jesus Christ
you NEVER thought you would.
the food you eat together sends you to heaven
and you even spend all your money on gas to be with them.
(even when you know your going without food the next day)
and a kiss makes you feel like someone hooked you up to an electric chair
and so much electricity flows from your head to your toes that
your heart just might come right out of your chest
and land in their hand.
and it totally does every time he/she grabs your face and plants one.
cause you are so in love.
This is me.
I know I know, I have talked and talked about relationships not being for me.
and I could talk about what all the wise people in my life have said about my relationships.
But now, I am learning how to apply it.
Because I am so head over heels in love.
How do i know this?
I literally got to the point I was sitting myself down and trying to talk myself out of it
cause it felt so irrational, so unrealistic, so unlike anything else.
um sounds like the Love of Jesus Christ to me.
so irrational He would die on a cross cause of it.
so unrealistic He loves us unconditionally.
its SO unlike anything else.
and it is work.
hard work. money. time. energy.
and its the most fulfilling work i have ever experienced.
i have never strived to be so unconditional all the time with how i treat people.
and i have never in my wildest dreams, thought i would be seeing what I am.
I am reading this book, called Wild at Heart. It is changing how i view God.
and him..aka the boyfriend.
The book recently pointed out to me something quite amazing,
How the characteristics men and women have that are so different.. are all characteristics of the Lord.
being made in "His Image" has a whole new meaning all of the sudden.
All of the sudden it is so totally true..that I can't be connected with him unless I'm connected with the Lord.
how the hell am i supposed to understand men if i don't talk to God about it?
the ultimate pursuer and warrior of our hearts?
All of the sudden when I look at my boyfriend I see characteristics of God i could never posses or fully understand.
Unless i fully rely on the Lord's wisdom to help me respect those characteristics.
I am also learning a whole lot about myself too from that book.
About how the "stupid girl" side of me, is not so stupid.
the part of me that wants to be pursued, that wants to be loved, affirmed, etc.
that's from God. Christ TOTALLY wants to be pursued by us.
But how often do i forget to pursue the Lord, but strive to be pursued by my boyfriend.
all to often.
Some people may think
"what the hell Atalie, you've been dating for 4 months and your thinking like this already? How can you be in love?"
"Do you even KNOW what that means? Are you even thinking about protecting your heart?"
Well, I am what my friend Spencer Sorrell calls, "a rare bird."
When I was in 5th grade, i had my first crush. His name was AJ and all the girls at youth group thought he was SO cute.
I was one of those girls. And since my parents taught my sunday school, they knew I was gaga for him.
It made me so nervous to talk about him that i never did, but if you saw me then, you would be able to tell.
So my parents sat me down, actually my dad sat me down, and talked to me about relationships.
He talked to me about dating, and about what "protecting my heart" was, and about my relationship with God.
He also told me I am the most passionate person he knows, and he thought i should be careful.
He said it was great cause Christ is so passionate and has such a "give it all away" attitude with his love.
He also said he knew for a fact I am that way, and that i need to be really careful about who i give my heart to, and
how many times i give it away.
My parents never gave me "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" like the rest of my youth groups parents,
they basically told me
"Your smart. Your good with relationships. and you love Jesus. If you choose to date, make sure he is too.
Don't be stupid. WE would like you to wait to date till your older, but it's up to you and the Lord."
So I decided not to date. But I did decide to pray my face off. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart so that it's only His.
and to help me share it with just one other person...not 3 or 5. But one. Yep I have been praying to only date one person,
since i was in 5th grade. Sounds COMPLETELY unrealistic and totally nothing like anyone who lives in this day and age.
But I waited till i was 22 to kiss someone, hold hands with someone, and say I love You and mean it.
And boy do I mean it. It's worth it and i KNOW this relationship is going to be an amazing life changing one.
I just have to stop hating working so much. The lazy side of me doesn't want to be unconditional.
It wants to be selfish. And its so hard to get past my selfish desires and pursue selfless love.
And if my heart gets broken it gets broken. And since the Lord handed this relationship to me and it had NOTHING to do with me or how I felt at the time (since i was the most spiritually broken i have EVER been when I met him), I know the Lord would heal and restore my heart and it would still be okay cause i would Still follow after Him.
Loving this man is changing how I love the Lord in so many ways. its changing how I view the Lord's love for me.
Its changing everything.
and even though its difficult sometimes...its worth it.
I love you Gus Simpson. I won't give up on this.
Have you ever been in love?
I'm talking
heart aching
head over heels
barf inducing
one of the first things you think about in the morning is them..
one of the only people who makes you smile when you wanna punch someone....
you can't stand to miss a call or text from them...
you want to buy them things for no apparent reason...
the one person whose laugh and smile makes your heart so happy it feels like it may explode...
all the sudden every chick flick makes u cry and say "its uuuuuuusssss baaahhhhh"
(just kidding..thats just sad.)
all the sudden relationship books seem appealing..
flowers are prettier
coffee tastes better
ice cream is sweeter
The BIBLE makes you want to cry every time you open it
cause you are actually experiencing a love from Jesus Christ
you NEVER thought you would.
the food you eat together sends you to heaven
and you even spend all your money on gas to be with them.
(even when you know your going without food the next day)
and a kiss makes you feel like someone hooked you up to an electric chair
and so much electricity flows from your head to your toes that
your heart just might come right out of your chest
and land in their hand.
and it totally does every time he/she grabs your face and plants one.
cause you are so in love.
This is me.
I know I know, I have talked and talked about relationships not being for me.
and I could talk about what all the wise people in my life have said about my relationships.
But now, I am learning how to apply it.
Because I am so head over heels in love.
How do i know this?
I literally got to the point I was sitting myself down and trying to talk myself out of it
cause it felt so irrational, so unrealistic, so unlike anything else.
um sounds like the Love of Jesus Christ to me.
so irrational He would die on a cross cause of it.
so unrealistic He loves us unconditionally.
its SO unlike anything else.
and it is work.
hard work. money. time. energy.
and its the most fulfilling work i have ever experienced.
i have never strived to be so unconditional all the time with how i treat people.
and i have never in my wildest dreams, thought i would be seeing what I am.
I am reading this book, called Wild at Heart. It is changing how i view God.
and him..aka the boyfriend.
The book recently pointed out to me something quite amazing,
How the characteristics men and women have that are so different.. are all characteristics of the Lord.
being made in "His Image" has a whole new meaning all of the sudden.
All of the sudden it is so totally true..that I can't be connected with him unless I'm connected with the Lord.
how the hell am i supposed to understand men if i don't talk to God about it?
the ultimate pursuer and warrior of our hearts?
All of the sudden when I look at my boyfriend I see characteristics of God i could never posses or fully understand.
Unless i fully rely on the Lord's wisdom to help me respect those characteristics.
I am also learning a whole lot about myself too from that book.
About how the "stupid girl" side of me, is not so stupid.
the part of me that wants to be pursued, that wants to be loved, affirmed, etc.
that's from God. Christ TOTALLY wants to be pursued by us.
But how often do i forget to pursue the Lord, but strive to be pursued by my boyfriend.
all to often.
Some people may think
"what the hell Atalie, you've been dating for 4 months and your thinking like this already? How can you be in love?"
"Do you even KNOW what that means? Are you even thinking about protecting your heart?"
Well, I am what my friend Spencer Sorrell calls, "a rare bird."
When I was in 5th grade, i had my first crush. His name was AJ and all the girls at youth group thought he was SO cute.
I was one of those girls. And since my parents taught my sunday school, they knew I was gaga for him.
It made me so nervous to talk about him that i never did, but if you saw me then, you would be able to tell.
So my parents sat me down, actually my dad sat me down, and talked to me about relationships.
He talked to me about dating, and about what "protecting my heart" was, and about my relationship with God.
He also told me I am the most passionate person he knows, and he thought i should be careful.
He said it was great cause Christ is so passionate and has such a "give it all away" attitude with his love.
He also said he knew for a fact I am that way, and that i need to be really careful about who i give my heart to, and
how many times i give it away.
My parents never gave me "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" like the rest of my youth groups parents,
they basically told me
"Your smart. Your good with relationships. and you love Jesus. If you choose to date, make sure he is too.
Don't be stupid. WE would like you to wait to date till your older, but it's up to you and the Lord."
So I decided not to date. But I did decide to pray my face off. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart so that it's only His.
and to help me share it with just one other person...not 3 or 5. But one. Yep I have been praying to only date one person,
since i was in 5th grade. Sounds COMPLETELY unrealistic and totally nothing like anyone who lives in this day and age.
But I waited till i was 22 to kiss someone, hold hands with someone, and say I love You and mean it.
And boy do I mean it. It's worth it and i KNOW this relationship is going to be an amazing life changing one.
I just have to stop hating working so much. The lazy side of me doesn't want to be unconditional.
It wants to be selfish. And its so hard to get past my selfish desires and pursue selfless love.
And if my heart gets broken it gets broken. And since the Lord handed this relationship to me and it had NOTHING to do with me or how I felt at the time (since i was the most spiritually broken i have EVER been when I met him), I know the Lord would heal and restore my heart and it would still be okay cause i would Still follow after Him.
Loving this man is changing how I love the Lord in so many ways. its changing how I view the Lord's love for me.
Its changing everything.
and even though its difficult sometimes...its worth it.
I love you Gus Simpson. I won't give up on this.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It's amazing how God NEVER ceases to suprise me.
Here I am...super stressed about school...super anxious and worried...
NOT wanting to do ANYTHING with people...just study.
I have also been dealing with so much fear.
If you don't already know, i am in an amazing relationship.
It's so amazing and such a blessing it scares me sometimes.
I feel like i either don't deserve him or I am just not mature enough to handle it.
Both are bullshit but honestly..its hard to think otherwise when God so randomly blesses you with such an amazing person.
I have been feeling the spiritual stronghold of failure seep into my relationship.
it's been freaking me out.
I dont know what happened but i had NO confidence in God what so ever.
I had no confidence in His plan, or the love He has given me.
Esp. the Love He has given me through my boyfriend.
i had NO idea.
I was so spiritually dry and exhausted.
Exhausted from crying, worrying, and failing.
And GOd just spoke to me.
I sat in a group of people friday night and we talked about where we were at.
we were all so honest.
CRU has never felt so raw...its been so shallow to me for so long..so gospel only oriented.
till now.
i planned to do hw. brought tons of it.
instead i got massive allergies and ended up taking so much medicine i passed out saturday afternoon.
literally.
never passed out before hahaha. layed on my bed. and died.
it was not what i planned. but i needed it.
then i woke up. and had great God time.
i prayed for the man i love.
i prayed and prayed.
I prayed for strength in my weakness.
and i was open. and vulnerable. and myself. around people i dont hang with much.
i was so thankful i had that community through my college years.
so thankful for them always being there.
so thankful they kept pushing me despite how drained they were.
it was such a blessing.
one i took for granted. most of this semester.
i got to be open and honest with God.
my view of my future changed.
Sure i don't know what the hell is going to happen with my life.
But God's plan will ALWAYS be Glorifying Him. No matter WHAT.
it will also, be the best plan for me. even if it has weird changes.
I am so thankful for a love based on the rock of Christ.
I am so thankful for a community that keeps me on that rock.
i am so thankful for parents who helped put me on that rock.
what an amazing weekend.
Here I am...super stressed about school...super anxious and worried...
NOT wanting to do ANYTHING with people...just study.
I have also been dealing with so much fear.
If you don't already know, i am in an amazing relationship.
It's so amazing and such a blessing it scares me sometimes.
I feel like i either don't deserve him or I am just not mature enough to handle it.
Both are bullshit but honestly..its hard to think otherwise when God so randomly blesses you with such an amazing person.
I have been feeling the spiritual stronghold of failure seep into my relationship.
it's been freaking me out.
I dont know what happened but i had NO confidence in God what so ever.
I had no confidence in His plan, or the love He has given me.
Esp. the Love He has given me through my boyfriend.
i had NO idea.
I was so spiritually dry and exhausted.
Exhausted from crying, worrying, and failing.
And GOd just spoke to me.
I sat in a group of people friday night and we talked about where we were at.
we were all so honest.
CRU has never felt so raw...its been so shallow to me for so long..so gospel only oriented.
till now.
i planned to do hw. brought tons of it.
instead i got massive allergies and ended up taking so much medicine i passed out saturday afternoon.
literally.
never passed out before hahaha. layed on my bed. and died.
it was not what i planned. but i needed it.
then i woke up. and had great God time.
i prayed for the man i love.
i prayed and prayed.
I prayed for strength in my weakness.
and i was open. and vulnerable. and myself. around people i dont hang with much.
i was so thankful i had that community through my college years.
so thankful for them always being there.
so thankful they kept pushing me despite how drained they were.
it was such a blessing.
one i took for granted. most of this semester.
i got to be open and honest with God.
my view of my future changed.
Sure i don't know what the hell is going to happen with my life.
But God's plan will ALWAYS be Glorifying Him. No matter WHAT.
it will also, be the best plan for me. even if it has weird changes.
I am so thankful for a love based on the rock of Christ.
I am so thankful for a community that keeps me on that rock.
i am so thankful for parents who helped put me on that rock.
what an amazing weekend.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
repeating chorus.
I have been learning a ton about relationships.
from how to be nice when i don't feel like it
to communicating long distance.
Its been super difficult.
but probably the most rewarding and fulfilling way of learning,
God has EVER blessed me with.
I have been so blessed by so many people that take the time to love me
and give me a wide range of advise.
From my mom to my friend Josh..
it just keeps coming and coming
and i love praying about it and thinking about it..
and applying most of it.
i love reading the Bible.
I love my friends.
and i am totally in love with my boyfriend and i refuse to be ashamed.
I have been learning a lot about myself as a musician.
I have been learning that I really do love practicing.
Esp. when it gets me somewhere.
I love it more than geology thats for SURE.
Yesterday was the first time i actually sang like i wanted to.
Like I practiced.
And I was singing my "dream song" at the same time.
I also am stoked to be singing harmony with 2 of my most talented friends.
Might even break out a bit of violin.
I am so stoked to see where all of this takes me.
I think its interesting when we are trying to get through the trials in our lives...
and we work and work and we are totally drained and don't know if we are going to make it
and God is all the sudden like:
"Hey you. Look around. Everything your doing applies to your relationship with me.
Everything your doing applies to what I have called you to do.
Every relationship you have requires as much work as your music.
It takes time..but in the end every difficult thing you learned
turns into something beautiful. Something creative.
Something different..something that glorifies me.
So shut up, quit complaining, quit worrying about it, and get to work."
from how to be nice when i don't feel like it
to communicating long distance.
Its been super difficult.
but probably the most rewarding and fulfilling way of learning,
God has EVER blessed me with.
I have been so blessed by so many people that take the time to love me
and give me a wide range of advise.
From my mom to my friend Josh..
it just keeps coming and coming
and i love praying about it and thinking about it..
and applying most of it.
i love reading the Bible.
I love my friends.
and i am totally in love with my boyfriend and i refuse to be ashamed.
I have been learning a lot about myself as a musician.
I have been learning that I really do love practicing.
Esp. when it gets me somewhere.
I love it more than geology thats for SURE.
Yesterday was the first time i actually sang like i wanted to.
Like I practiced.
And I was singing my "dream song" at the same time.
I also am stoked to be singing harmony with 2 of my most talented friends.
Might even break out a bit of violin.
I am so stoked to see where all of this takes me.
I think its interesting when we are trying to get through the trials in our lives...
and we work and work and we are totally drained and don't know if we are going to make it
and God is all the sudden like:
"Hey you. Look around. Everything your doing applies to your relationship with me.
Everything your doing applies to what I have called you to do.
Every relationship you have requires as much work as your music.
It takes time..but in the end every difficult thing you learned
turns into something beautiful. Something creative.
Something different..something that glorifies me.
So shut up, quit complaining, quit worrying about it, and get to work."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
In a Sweater Poorly Knit
The Lord always makes me apply what he teaches.
Whenever keith/josh/amy/patrick dodson talk about something ....it comes up in my life.
I get to experience it, and apply what im being taught.
like the opportunity to forgive and forget and move forward.
the opportunity to love without expectation.
The opportunity to treat others like God treats us.
instead of doing unto others as they deserve.
so while applying this to my life with a dear friend of mine
[that i honestly didnt think i would be able to call "dear friend" and mean it ever again]
...he tells me of a band,
that turned out to be a mirror image of how i feel most of the time.
i have been attempting to reach out to my boyfriend in a new way.
he listens to a TON of music that he cant stand
that i love because i love it.
so i figured i would try to adapt my ear to his tastes.
because i love him,
i already have somewhat an ear for the hard core/screamo genre,
[thanks to my best friend in HS being in MANY metal bands/working at BLBC]
but it wears me out quickly.
so i am trying to build endurance.
anyways...
this band is totally different from anything i have ever really listened to.
they have awesome instrumentalists who play awesome melodies and harmonies
but the lead singer has a horrible voice.
in fact.
he yells their lyrics outloud
with music in a background
practically ruining the music.
not really a screamo band
but a "hard core" one none the less.
one i relate to.
the lead singer may be obnoxious vocally
but
the lyrics are the most passionate i have heard in a while
and come from the soul.
in fact
they remind me of psalms.
they contain verses a musician only dreams of writing
with a creativity people will do anything to have.
I love how when i first started listening i judged.
then a friend told me to listen closer..
and i heard passion, love, truth, and honesty.
the voice wasn't pretty.
but the words it yelled/spoke
were perfect.
it reminded me that
maybe when we feel like just an annoying yelling voice with
awesome background music that is getting ruined by us
we aren't looking at life the way we should.
maybe we don't have the confidence in the Lord we thought we did..
or maybe our identity really isn't in Christ.
maybe we should stop being so concerned with how we sound
but what we are actually saying.
just a thought.
"you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!
I do not exist only you exist"
~mewithoutyou~
Whenever keith/josh/amy/patrick dodson talk about something ....it comes up in my life.
I get to experience it, and apply what im being taught.
like the opportunity to forgive and forget and move forward.
the opportunity to love without expectation.
The opportunity to treat others like God treats us.
instead of doing unto others as they deserve.
so while applying this to my life with a dear friend of mine
[that i honestly didnt think i would be able to call "dear friend" and mean it ever again]
...he tells me of a band,
that turned out to be a mirror image of how i feel most of the time.
i have been attempting to reach out to my boyfriend in a new way.
he listens to a TON of music that he cant stand
that i love because i love it.
so i figured i would try to adapt my ear to his tastes.
because i love him,
i already have somewhat an ear for the hard core/screamo genre,
[thanks to my best friend in HS being in MANY metal bands/working at BLBC]
but it wears me out quickly.
so i am trying to build endurance.
anyways...
this band is totally different from anything i have ever really listened to.
they have awesome instrumentalists who play awesome melodies and harmonies
but the lead singer has a horrible voice.
in fact.
he yells their lyrics outloud
with music in a background
practically ruining the music.
not really a screamo band
but a "hard core" one none the less.
one i relate to.
the lead singer may be obnoxious vocally
but
the lyrics are the most passionate i have heard in a while
and come from the soul.
in fact
they remind me of psalms.
they contain verses a musician only dreams of writing
with a creativity people will do anything to have.
I love how when i first started listening i judged.
then a friend told me to listen closer..
and i heard passion, love, truth, and honesty.
the voice wasn't pretty.
but the words it yelled/spoke
were perfect.
it reminded me that
maybe when we feel like just an annoying yelling voice with
awesome background music that is getting ruined by us
we aren't looking at life the way we should.
maybe we don't have the confidence in the Lord we thought we did..
or maybe our identity really isn't in Christ.
maybe we should stop being so concerned with how we sound
but what we are actually saying.
just a thought.
"you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!
I do not exist only you exist"
~mewithoutyou~
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