Now I Sing Freedom For All Of My Days

So this Easter was a bit different than the past.
Last year i was hard core into Easter.
I honestly did not really read my lent book alot
I didn't really give up anything..I tried but then felt stupid for it
cause i felt like i set myself up for failure.
I fasted but had a string cheese in the middle of the day Saturday.
I also was kinda iffy about the whole Easter service, because it was not as big of a deal to me I guess.
I don't know why.
Well, that all changed friday night.
knew the service would not be as sorrowful or scarring as last years..
but it was honestly the most intense time of worship and communion I have ever had.
It really brought to the surface a lot of the reasons why I felt the lacking of so much passion.
This entire weekend, I spent really going over this semester in my head.
it FLEW by as did the opportunity I had to make it TOTALLY different from the last.
I have full confidence my grades will be better and I won't fail.
But, I could have should have would have if have's wouldn't leave my mind.
Friday night I could barely sleep because
all those fill in the blank questions would not leave my head.
Lately I have had serious anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares.
Satan has a serious stronghold in my life that is wearing me down.
He tries his hardest to convince me DAILY that everything i do is pointless.
Every single relationship/friendship, every thing on my to-do list,
every musical note that comes out of my heart, mouth and body,
every word i say, action i put forth, step i take,
will ultimately lead to failure and its pointless to even try.
So this semester i have struggled, dragging my feet to put forth effort to TRY.
it hurts. every part of it hurts me. I get physically ill.
i know i know i sound SO dramatic.
well Satan is good at lying to girls with their emotions slash using emotions to lie to us.
He does that a lot to me.

Lately though, i have been seriously convicted by the strong hold of failure.
The shackles it holds me in are breaking and I can feel it.
I feel my passion for music slowly stirring inside me while
passions for other things are slowly fading.
I'm starting to view a big picture.
First I learned this through experiencing what it looks like to NOT let God's big picture affect your life.
It leads to brokenness and a feeling of failure and despair.
But praise God he rescues us from that..and blesses us with relationships that show us
how working hard and glorifying Him in EVERY aspect of our life pays off.
He also showed me that His picture is NOT mine in ANY way.
ESP. when i am NOT in the word, when i am NOT using my time, money, thoughts, and actions to Glorify Him.
and then of course, he showed me through my pastor Keith at Resonate.

The Holy Spirit is a POWERFUL being. and Lately, He has been working in AMAZING ways in my life
through my church.
Not ONLY has the Lord called me to use the spiritual gifts that He grew in me through CRU
next year on Resonate VSTAFF
but he ALSO
used the Metanarrative Sermon series to CHANGE.MY.LIFE.

So last night I could NOT sleep. Those fill in the blank questions were HAUNTING me something fierce.
I was super afraid about classes and school and decided to read the psalms.
I read through psalm 18-40, read 1 and 2 Corinthians, and did Laundry till about 330 am.
So Keith was talking today about the big picture and how even though all the little stories in
the story of the crucifixion made it all seem so chaotic and awful
God had a BIGGER plan that GLorified Him and His power.
He also read Psalm 22 and talked about how David prophesied this big plan
of the crucifixion
before crucifying people was even invented as a punishment for crime.
how amazing is that.
that in my anxiety i read through a psalm that showed a bigger picture.
a picture i way to often DONT look at or pay attention too.
even if its starring me in the face.
So often in this life all i can see is where I am at.
But there is something God is doing with my life
with the good and the bad and the successful parts and not so successful parts.
in Rob Bells book Droplets Like Stars
He talks about how is counselor has a sign that he pulls out every time Rob says words like
failure, waste and loss.
It says :

אלוהים זה לא בזבוז

The God That Does Not Waste.

what an amazing truth. God uses EVERYTHING to Glorify Him and show His bigger picture of salvation.
Now i can sing freedom for ALL of my days
because its ONLY by the power of the Cross I am saved.